Timing, measure, balance

After a weekend trip to Uganda, which was tiring and rushed, I woke up this morning considering how I spent my time. This thought didn't just concern my Uganda trip, it was concerning how I spent my time on any given day. My work is often draining, requires long hours, includes difficult communication across language barriers, and produces lots of pressure. When I have time off, I typically want to spend it doing close to nothing. This is not like my personality, though, and often makes me feel lazy and causes a lot of self hate. It really is a vicious cycle of exhaustion, laziness, guilt, sadness, repeat. I don't think this is healthy.

A friend and mentor once told me that feeling content in life was always a challenge. He found that evaluating and making right decisions was made up of three things: timing, measure, and balance. Timing was considering if what you were doing was the right time. This applies to everything: if it's not the right time, not everything will be right. Measure considers in what amount you are doing something. That is an odd way to phrase it but if you look at your life, you cannot do every single thing everyday for hours on end, you need to have the proper measure. Finally, there was balance. Getting enough rest to sustain yourself, working enough to be productive, etc. If all of those things were in harmony, you felt content and happy. I really liked this theory because it seems biblical to me (Ecc 3) and after incorporating it into my own life and thinking, it feels right. If one of those things is off with my decisions, the timing, measure or balance, it doesn't work so well. I understand there is much more to it than just this simple explanation but I think those three things are a good foundation.

I'd really like to end my vicious cycle of disliking my action and do more to bring myself into harmony. Time to look at the timing, measure, and balance of the things in my life! 2014 begins!

My addiction

I have discovered I am addicted. I can't decide what my addiction is but I am very aware that I am most definitely addicted.
I started doing aid work 13 months ago. I had no idea what I was getting into; I was just a wide eyed, naive, eager woman who wanted to make some sort of difference. 13 months later I feel a little less wide eyed and naive but every bit as eager as I was before...and maybe even more eager than before. I recently clicked on a link to a cool blog and ended up stumbling upon a website called chasing misery. Here is the excerpt that especially caught my eye:

"The name for the anthology comes from a conversation that the Head of the Editorial Team, Kelsey Hoppe, had while in Indonesia following the 2004 tsunami in which hundreds of thousands of people died and so many more lost their homes, families and livelihoods. After a long day, she was sitting on the roof of a house with a friend, tired, sad and thought ‘what a strange life this is, what a strange profession – ‘chasing human misery’ around the world as we go from one emergency response to the next." --http://www.chasingmisery.com/the-book/

That hit me because I do sometimes encounter feeling that way. I have been in the same place for my entire aid work career thus far but ever since we moved out of an emergency response I have felt that old familiar feeling of needing to move on. I think I may have been designed for disaster response. During an emergency response, everything is different. Agencies are forced to partner for the benefit of the beneficiaries, you do whatever it takes to get the job done, you learn as you go, qualifications don't matter as long as the job gets done, it's just more challenging and dare I say it, FUN. Once the emergency fades, politics get involved, people start showing off, qualifications are suddenly all that matter, and people put off doing the job no matter what for doing the job according to policies. It's not as fun. 
The other night I met a colleague working for another agency and shared a summarized version of the above excerpt and asked him what he thought. He shared a fantastic point of view by telling me he didn't look at it as chasing misery but instead bringing hope. I love that. The reason it resonates is because I do believe that is closer to the truth. I don't feel a buzz because people are suffering, witnessing that part is difficult, I feel the buzz because I am able to do something about it. The aim is to give them some hope so they can have the strength to pick themselves up. 
One thing I have learned over and over is that life is not fair. It simply is not. I may be addicted to responding to emergencies but maybe a better way to phrase that is I am addicted to bringing hope. The world would be amazing if everyone could find a similar addiction. 

difficult/great

Things that have been difficult lately:

1. Rainy season. It makes the road muddy, breaks our vehicles, and brings disease. Oh, rainy season...you are difficult.
2. Death. Community forced abortion, a loved staff member, and the many more dying everyday...it wears you down. So many questions, doubts, sadness...lots of emotions. 
3. Relationships. Starting, ending, transitioning. That is difficult.

Things that have been great:

1. I signed up for another year contract. Yay! I value my work and I'm happy to continue.
2. I'm going to England to see friends I haven't seen in so long! It makes my soul happy.
3. Cat hasn't died. Yes, to me, this is great. 

Strange update...just had to get some events in writing.

This is not an original thought

I never update. When I do, I am never very eloquent or descriptive of what life has really been like. I am sincerely sorry for that since I look back on these entries often and am so appreciative when I write something that actually captures what I was experiencing at the time. This time, I will also not share what's going on in my life. I will, however, share an awesome link to another blog post which shares some opinions I agree with. I value beauty just like everyone. This is proven by me wearing makeup, doing my hair, painting my nails, generally desiring to look beautiful. However...I am a little less than impressed with the fact that beauty=value. That is why I loved this link:

http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

I do have to say, I also loved the Dove video and was very happy to see women describe other women in a positive way. I kind of hate when women turn on each other. We should really be each other's biggest supporters because I get way more nervous about another woman's approval than I do a man's. I could be the odd one out on that one...but I doubt it.

Hopefully I will write soon with some original thoughts and experiences!

There is no answer

I got the wonderful opportunity to visit Zurich on my way home from R&R yesterday. Standing on the shores of Lake Zurich looking out to snow peaked mountains and beautiful homes I was happy. Switzerland seems like a generally happy place. I didn't have much time to be there, just a few hours, but I was happy I got to see a new place.
While I was there, I got a little time to look at the beautiful scenery and ponder some things. The question I kept coming back to was, "Why?" Why do people do what they do? Why did they have to do it the way they did? Why? After every pondering, this is the question my brain ended with. I let me my mind roll over it several times before I realized, there is never a real answer for why. Someone can tell you what they think or feel but maybe that isn't the real why. Maybe no one really knows the exact why to explain what was done. Sometimes it's not even one person or a person, it just is. And that is the thought I ended with, the resolution I found; sometimes, everything just is. I think that's okay.

Hospital Stories

The new year is upon us! One year ending and a new year beginning, there is always so much potential. I have not been a very faithful updater and while I feel slightly guilty for that I really don't feel that bad. Most people who read this have the ability to message or email me so if they *really* wanted updates, they would do one of those two things.
December was an interesting month. I spent a lot of time at the hospital. Part of that was observing surgeries and part of that was a disgusting staph infection. The surgeries I observed included a man who needed most of his small intestine removed. That was an interesting case because of the story that accompanied it. Here it is:
The story of this man began one Saturday night when me, my co workers, and some visitors were driving to the UN for a gathering. We were going through town when we noticed a huge crowd forming in front of a bar on the side of the road. It looked like chaos. Women were wailing and acting in the traditional way a woman acts when a family member dies. Most of the crowd was carrying sticks or other things they would use to beat someone. They were beating on the door of the bar and it also looked like they were beating someone on the ground. There was also a large fire. We wanted to stop but a car full of white people stopping to intervene during a mob scene is probably one of the most horrible ideas you could have around here so we just kept driving. When we got back to the compound, we checked to see if anyone had been brought for an emergency and found that one man had. He had been stabbed in his side and he arrived at the hospital with his intestines coming out the wound. He had emergency surgery that night. The next day, the doctor found the swelling in his abdomen was considerable and suspected there was another problem.
Meanwhile, in town where the chaos had been last night, there continued to be fighting. It seemed that at that bar, the night we drove by, a Maban man (the county we live in) and a Nuer man (another local tribe) had a disagreement over who the land belonged to. They were both drunk and it escalated quickly. It should also be noted that these people groups have had conflict for years so having a drunken fight has the potential to explode pretty easily. The Nuer man was so upset, he left the bar, returned with a knife, and stabbed the Maban man. Of course, this erupted into a brawl. This brawl continued into the next day as the Maban man's family wanted revenge badly. However, since the maban man hadn't died yet, things were just tense and hadn't gotten out of hand.
Once the doctor realized there may be another problem, he decided to open the man back up to look around. I observed this surgery. Once he opened him up he found almost his entire small intestine had died. The stabbing had cut the vein that supplied blood to that portion and they had been out of his body for too long the night before. The doctor re-sectioned his intestines but the damage was too extensive and the man died. I didn't stay for the whole surgery and was taking a shower when I heard gunshots close by. They sounded like they were at the market. There were a lot of gunshots though so I wasn't sure what was happening. Later, I found out once the family heard the man had died, they rioted in front of the bar he was stabbed at and the house of the man who killed him. They set fire to both places and beat people. The police had fired gunshots into the air to disperse the crowd. If they hadn't, who knows how far those people would have gone. Luckily, after the family felt they got revenge, the fighting stopped.
That is the story behind the man whose intestines were the first I ever saw in person.
Before I got to observe that surgery, I got to learn how to do stitches. That man's story was also funny. The cut was on his right thigh. He said his friend's wife had stabbed him there and it looked suspiciously as if she could have stabbed him from an angle which makes me think this man was trying to rape her. The hospital here is a very interesting place.
After both those things, I developed a horrible infection on my leg. In 24 hours it went from just a normal skin irritation to a full blown oozing, disgusting, painful, abscess. I got IV antibiotics and had it drained. It is just now healing completely. It took a couple weeks for there not to be a hole in the side of my leg. Infections are easy to get around here and dust gets into everything.

2012 has been an insane year. Beginning with frustration, love, and hope and ending with joy, satisfaction, and complete heartbreak. Life truly can be a roller coaster. Living in South Sudan has brought me more joy than almost anything else I have done in life. South Sudan has been the redeeming thing about 2012. In contrast, relationships have been the low point of 2012. I feel like I got betrayed a lot in 2012. It was a very disappointing year in terms of relationships, not just romantic but friendships as well. I can't say I think 2013 will be any better but I can say I will try to be more cautious. I think I tend to be reckless when it comes to relationships. People are flawed and I understand but I allow people to treat me badly quite often. I hope I am brave enough to change that in 2013.   

My favorite prayer

The prayer I have been wanting to pray lately begins like this: "God, you are fucking awesome." Really, every time I think about praying, this is what I think. I understand it is not quite proper and to some it would definitely be offensive but it is absolutely true.
I don't really swear but sometimes it feels appropriate. Sometimes, whatever you are saying needs a little extra emphasis. This is one of those times. God is fucking awesome.
When everything falls apart, when everything is going well, when I am sad, when I am happy, when everything is everything....God is really, really, awesome. He is always who He is. It is simple and it is comforting. He knows my path, He knows. I have to trust that He will put it all together the way it should go and my only job is to follow the peace.