Normalcy

I decided not to leave Japan. I think people all around the world have mixed opinions about this. Many people are being whipped into a frenzy fueled by information they're gathering from various media sources. I made my decision based on prayer, gut instinct, advice from people I respect, and gathering information from sources I actually trust. Based on all of this, I decided leaving wasn't my best option. I understand where all the fear is coming from and I have been reading the news, but where I live is safe and the radiation levels are not something I need to worry about. One thing that does suck is that I should stay away from milk. But, really, if switching to soy milk is my main concern...it's not worth uprooting my life for. I haven't addressed everything I had to consider when making my decision, but I would like to touch on one thing.
When I was trying to figure out what to do a lot of people thought it would be a good idea to get away for awhile until things settle down. My question is this: where would I go and what would I do and what would count as "settling down"? As far as I'm concerned, things HAVE settled down where I live. Beyond that, are people not realizing that I LIVE here? I'm not vacationing, I'm not just chilling out and sitting around my apartment, this is where I live. My job is here. Just leaving on short notice isn't a decision I take very lightly. I was surprised by the number of people that thought it was an option for me to just go away for three weeks and come back. If I did that, I would come back to lots of bills and zero income. Not my idea of a great getaway idea.
With all that being said, the whole situation has made me realize how ready I really am to transition out of Japan and on to the next thing. Now is not the time for this transition, but I'm excited for when it will happen. Throughout this entire ordeal I've been impressed with the Japanese people and how they've handled it all. I met a man the other day and when I asked him how he felt about leaving he said, "This is my life. Whatever happens, happens. I can't just run away." Even though I'm not Japanese, that's how I felt too. I realize it is an option for me to run away, but where would I run to and what would I do when I got there? It didn't seem like a great option to me.
From now on my posts might not be as exciting as they were this week. I definitely should have written more to take advantage. There were so many things that happened in this short week that I never documented and I should have. One thing that I remembered today as I was riding the train back to my apartment is seeing Shinjuku station two days after the quake. If you've ever been to Shinjuku station you know it is always really busy. However, when my train rolled into that station on Sunday afternoon it was basically empty. It was a really strange thing to see.
Now it is back to normalcy. Back to Narita, back to real life, but before a true return to normalcy....BACK TO KOREA!!!

I need a premonition, gut instinct, or some general firm advice

It's only been a couple days and yet I feel like it's been much longer. I'm sure as I begin writing I'll find I don't have much to update on but I feel as if I've experienced more than I actually have.

My last post I focused much more on events and much less on how I felt about them. This post might be more emotional and personally thoughtful, but I hope it still gives you an idea of what it's like in the Tokyo area now.

Since my last update, I have been staying away from my city and in Omar's city instead. My city is still experiencing aftershocks at a magnitude 5 and above. If you've never felt a 6.0 earthquake, I can tell you that experiencing them regularly is not an exciting, fun, event. Not for most people anyways. The aftershocks are getting less frequent and less severe but I'm happy to be away from the shaking for awhile. They're still predicting another big aftershock to hit Tokyo but as the days go on, the risk goes down. However, last night we felt an earthquake that hit Shizuoka (Mt. Fuji rejion) that registered at a 6.2 and I wonder if that could be the earthquake everyone was expecting. It's hard to predict things like that and who knows how the earth will react to being rattled around like it was. But it's not the earthquakes that everyone is worried about anymore. We already experienced our once in a lifetime huge shaker followed by a deadly tsunami...we're not so worried over another earthquake. It's the radiation that has everyone panicked now.

The situation at Fukushima wasn't very alarming at first. Even after the first explosion the government wasn't sending any sort of message that there was real danger to surrounding cities. I can't say the same for now. The strange thing about this situation is I don't feel panicked about it. I felt panicked about aftershocks, not being able to understand all of the emergency messages being broadcasted in Japanese, and being alone. Radiation? I am thinking about my options, but it doesn't make me feel panicked. As the situation in Japan gets more developed, the days go on, and the death toll climbs I feel that the most important thing for me is to stay calm. I don't want to make decisions based on fox news trying to elicit a reaction from people back in America by creating fear with their headlines. For now, I know I'm safe. I do need to think about the future but can do that in safety and not feel like split second decisions are required to ensure my safety. Something that does make it a bit more of a priority is the fact that some airlines are re-routing and canceling flights to Tokyo. This could make it harder to get a flight out if I decide to. Also, France has sent planes to evacuate their nationals, Britain and Australia are recommending their nationals consider leaving Tokyo, and America has decided to take a much more cautious approach to the situation in Tokyo than Japan is. I'm honestly not sure what to think.

Yesterday, as I was thinking about my situation I was sitting in the BX where I'm staying. Groups of people were walking by and I noticed they weren't dressed like American military, they were Australian. My guess is they are a rescue team working on the efforts in Miyagi. A little while later, the Japanese rescue team strolled through. It was really cool to see rescue teams right in front of me, to know that effort was being put out and Japan wasn't alone.

In other events, I've been reading some comments in places such as facebook regarding some issues that this quake has brought up. Namely, the safety of nuclear power. I may just be sensitive, but I think it's a bit too soon to be arguing the greatness of nuclear power when millions of people are questioning their safety.

For now, I'm staying calm and relaxed, trying to process all the information I have, and doing my best to look into the future and trust my instincts on what to do next. I feel safe now and think I will stay in Japan, but I have to see how the situation develops and not wait too long to make a decision. If you have any thoughts about this, you should leave me a comment!

patience

So what now? This was the first question I asked myself after the shaking stopped. I've experienced earthquakes before but never one this strong and long-lasting. I doubt this is something I can forget but just in case, I want to write about what happened.
I was at school when it happened. About 10-15 minutes before the mom's show up we put all the students in one room so it's easier to call their name to go home. Some mom's had begun showing up when we felt a slight shake. It felt like an average earthquake so we told the kids to stay still. Then, the shaking got more violent and it was clear this was not an average earthquake. We yelled at the students to go outside, they looked at us blankly, we yelled again, they ran. There were a few toddlers who were terrified at this point since no one had ever felt shaking like this before and they knew everyone was scared. They had no idea what was happening. On my way out of the building I scooped up two toddlers and ran. At this point, I didn't feel scared. I didn't really feel anything except an urgency to get myself and the students away from danger. After that, I wanted to make sure they weren't scared since all of their parents weren't there yet.
Eventually, the shaking did stop and people started trying calling their husbands, friends, family members and had no service. Cell phones weren't working. When I realized this I realized this earthquake was definitely a big deal. I waited with some students until their mothers showed up and then went back into my school to get my things so I could go home. I still had after school lessons to teach at a different location. When I went back into the school it was still swaying and our office had papers and books all over the floor. There wasn't any real damage, just a mess. You could still hear the building creaking and the earth adjusting. No one knew what to do. No one had ever been in a situation like this before. Everyone was wanting to go check on their family and then I realized I was in Narita alone. This was when I began feeling scared.
I had no choice but to just carry on with regular life. As I was riding my bike, I started to feel myself going up and down and I could hear rattling. I stopped my bike and felt the big aftershock. It felt almost as violent as the initial quake. Before riding to my school I rode around my neighborhood to release some tension. As I rode past an old man he told me a tsunami was coming. I wasn't sure what to do with that information since no one was really evacuating and everyone seemed so calm. I made my way to my school for the after school lessons and met up with a mother from my school. She said she also had no phone service but that I should try email as she had heard that was working better. I was told since there was no phone service or any way to contact the students or for them to contact us, I should wait about an hour and a half to see if anyone shows up. I spent some of the time trying to contact Omar and on facebook to see if he'd updated anything. The aftershocks were happening about every 5 minutes. Some were pretty strong, others were mild. These didn't bother me until I imagined what it would be like to experience earth shaking every five minutes on my own in my apartment on the fourth floor. At this thought, I emailed a friend asking if I could stay with her. I was so thankful after the email went through and she said yes since I was starting to feel scared.
While I waited to see if students would show up and when I wasn't trying to contact people, I was able to read some news on what had happened and where. I saw pictures of the tsunami and caught up on what had happened so far. It was shocking. I have never been so close to such a large disaster. I honestly didn't know what to think. I didn't know if I should be very afraid, not go home, find an evacuation place, get a plane ticket home, I had no real knowledge of the extent of the disaster. No one really did. All we knew was that this quake was huge and we weren't even the hardest hit. Of course, no students showed up. I checked with my boss before I left to make sure we still had Saturday classes and, of course, we did.

I went back to my apartment to check on things. On the way I saw an old couple walking towards the nearest evacuation center with hard hats on, overnight bags and flashlights in hand. I wondered if I should take the hint. Of course, when I got back to my apartment, everything was in disarray. Everything had been shaken across whatever room it was in. Thankfully, nothing had been broken. My hamsters were going nuts but all were okay. I gave them a lot of food (I think Pei Pei is a stress eater), cleaned up a little bit, unplugged everything that could be unplugged, and left my apartment. Even if it is safe to stay there, I don't like to stay in that tiny apartment by myself. Even before the quake I hated it. After the quake, it is almost unbearable.

That night, I was so thankful to stay with a friend since the aftershocks kept happening about every 5 minutes. With every shake it was easy to wonder, was the huge quake that just happened a pre-shock? Nobody knows. Even if it wasn't, every aftershock still brings risk and can easily remind you of your fear. I was glad not to be alone. Because of the aftershocks, I barely slept at all and was instead shaken awake every hour or so. It was like a constant reminder that this quake was not one I could easily forget or quickly leave behind. Instead of sleeping, I tried to talk to as many people as I could back in the States on chat and skype. I knew they couldn't understand what was happening but it was a comfort to me just to be able to talk.

The next morning it seemed as if the aftershocks were further apart and less severe than before. This calmed me down a little. Looking out the window I expected to find panic and damage but it looked like nothing had happened. It seemed eerily calm. I went to get my bike so I could get to work and couldn't find my bike anywhere! I thought maybe I had misplaced it so I looked in the only other place it would be and it wasn't there either! Someone had taken my bike! While stealing bikes isn't uncommon in Japan, I was outraged that someone would do that at a time like this. Besides that, it had been locked so how did they even steal it? I was bewildered but it DID take my mind off of everything else and I still had time to walk to work. I go to work to find that the other teacher had not called or shown up. She had assumed Saturday classes would be canceled and my boss decided two teachers was enough anyways so we went to school. Most students had already called in absent, but since not all phones were working, my boss thought it would be best to go to school and wait for those who may show up. Only two students showed up. We ended up cleaning up the school and leaving around noon. I learned from the students that many places around Narita had no power. There were still regular aftershocks, even during the lessons. It was really distracting, but none were severe. While working I felt no stress or worry. I could concentrate on the task and put everything else out of my mind. I wish I could feel this way when I am alone feeling the aftershocks.

After work I tried to go see Omar, but the trains were only running to limited areas and there were none going to Tokyo. I had to stay the night by myself and hope the next day the trains would run. By now I was more scared than I have ever been in my life. I didn't know what the future would bring, I had heard the power was going to go out. I was alone in a place where I am an outsider, where I still can't understand anything, and I had to face it basically by myself. Even though I have some friends in the area, most of them are also foreigners and can't help as much as they would even like to. It's a tricky situation. As I walked back to my house I stopped in a store and saw that people had already started stocking up on everything. Some shelves were almost bare and there was no water anywhere. This was 24 hours after the first quake. I was a little bit surprised since I didn't think Narita had been really affected by the quake. It was scary, yes, but I didn't know it meant I should stock up on things in preparation. The stress and fear were really starting to grow in me and I was discovering more and more that I know almost nothing about what to do in a disaster. I can react quickly during it, but afterwards I feel lost. I've never been through it before and I tend to learn from experience. In this case, that is the worst way possible to learn. Thankfully, I live in Japan and despite the fact that this was a huge disaster, they have not lost their sense of calm and order. Even if everyone is in a rush to stock up, no one is looting. Instead, everyone is waiting patiently in lines to get anything they may need. It's an incredible thing to see.

The next morning I woke up early because there were three large aftershocks within an hour and I couldn't get back to sleep after them. I got ready hoping the trains would be running and I could get out a city I felt trapped in. THANKFULLY, all trains were running back on regular schedule and on Sunday morning I was able to see Omar.

His city is very different from mine. Here, I felt no aftershocks and no panic. People are still stocking up as much as possible and preparing for the planned power outages, but it doesn't seem as bare as my city. It feels so much safer here. Upon arriving, I was already dreading going back to my city. Back to the seemingly never-ending shaking, the shortage of supplies, and the loneliness (my new enemy). I woke up Monday morning to a huge blessing in disguise: due to planned power outages, most trains were not running and NO trains out of the city I was in were running at all. While I was feeling some relief, I knew I still had to convince my boss I couldn't make it back today. At first, she was unwilling to believe it wasn't possible. She checked herself and then saw that it would be close to impossible to get back today. The only way was by bus and then train, but most buses going into Tokyo are already full. I feel sad and guilty that I am missing my school's graduation tomorrow, but I also feel relieved that I can be safe and with someone I love for one more day.

That brings me to now. It's still Monday and I need to figure out a way to get home tomorrow. I heard from some friends that my city now has run out of gasoline, drinking water (in most places), and has many empty shelves in the supermarket as well. It seems worse there than it is where I am now. I know that this blog has seemed completely void of emotion, but I'm trying to keep my emotions under control for now. I have been worried, scared, stressed, and unsure of so much since Friday afternoon that I just want to feel peace and calm. I understand that I was by far not the hardest hit and cannot even comprehend what it is like just a few hours away from here. However, I am trying to process what has happened to me and feel guilty for feeling like I can't handle it by myself. I want to be strong but I'm finding it really difficult. When I think about it, I can't even figure out why it has effected me so deeply. I want to be able to brush it away and think everything is going to improve, but even through the apparent calm all around me I can sense that other people are afraid, too. I know that things will get better and I know that I will do my best to help the people of Japan recuperate, so for now I am trying my best to control myself and live day by day until everything can be more normal.

That's my update for now. I hope to update again in a couple of days so everyone back home can understand my situation. Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, and chats. They seriously help.

When I quit, I become the student.

I quit my job the other day and through the experience learned some things. I was surprised in the end how it turned out since during the entire ordeal I felt angry, stressed, and overall shitty. When I first put in my resignation, I had to tell my boss's husband since my regular boss was out having surgery. I wanted to put in the notice as soon as I got the other job so my school would have plenty of time to find another foreign teacher since that's a tough thing in my city. He was slightly less than understanding. He wasn't angry or aggressive in any way but I could tell he wasn't happy either. It was a bit awkward. Then, when my regular boss talked to me about it, the entire situation did a 180. She gave me some life advice and basically sent me on my way. Here is my synopsis of what she said.

1. If you have goals, you can't stay in one place.
I loved that she said this. I was feeling a little guilty about leaving since I do love the school, but she understood that my goals in life require more than experience at a kindergarten. She knew that I had learned what I needed to learn there and had to have a new experience.

2. Always do your best.
I'll gloss over the part where she implied that the marriages between the parents at our school were strong because of her counseling and skip to the part where she said that always doing your best in the moment will enable you to reap rewards in the future that you could have never foreseen. It was fantastic to be reminded that what I'm doing now DOES have a future consequence and always doing my best will ensure that the consequence is deserved. Hopefully it's positive.

3. With passion, you don't mind the difficult parts.
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that after over a year of working with my boss she noticed my passion, but I was a bit taken aback. Her actual words were, "I think the future will be difficult, but you have a passion so even the difficult things will seem easy for you." Amazingly encouraging. After thinking about it, I completely agree. If you're passionate about a certain goal or place you want to be in life, you don't really care how difficult it is. You power through until you get what or where you want to be. I do anyways.

In the end, she talked to be for almost an hour about life, my goals, and the job I was moving to. I realized that I wasn't actually angry with the school itself even though I did face some injustices. I had gotten all I could from the place and I was ready for the next step. I have learned from the past and know that transition is a really emotional thing for me but I hope I can accept this transition with less difficulty than I did that last one.