Today, I finally did something I have been wanting to do for the past two years. I studied, I woke up early, and I arrived at the embassy by 8:00 am. A bit early, but I was nervous and had never been to the embassy before. Being there felt strangely relaxing and comforting, not stressful and busy like I thought it would be. Everyone seemed friendly and welcoming which, when you think about it, makes absolute sense for an embassy. I was ready and my initial negative feelings went away as I finally took the foreign service officer test. I know it's such a small step, but it's the first step and it had to be taken in order for any other steps to be possible. To be offered a job with the foreign service would be really amazing and I'm hoping to get further in the process than a test at the embassy. But...I'm at the beginning.
Which brings me to wonder...why did I wait two years? What was I waiting FOR?! The true answer is I was waiting for my own insecurities to abate before I tried for anything I truly wanted. Once I got to Japan, I realized that would never happen and if I wanted my life to be a life I loved I had to take the chance of failure. So I applied.
I know it's just a test and I don't even know if I passed but just the act of taking it made me feel empowered and like I was getting back to feeling strong and confident. Next, is grad school applications and the GRE. I want to shape a life I love to live, a life I feel I can be proud of. I want to realize my happiness and maintain it so I can contribute something to the world. Because, when I'm unhappy, I don't contribute very much.
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