life, life, life

I think this post can add some balance to my angry/frustrated posts that I've written lately. Honestly, I am really just trying to balance myself as I get thrown into a new world. I'm not using this blog as a place to attack people but I am using it as a place to work out my thoughts and feelings through talking about what I do in Africa. As you read this, if you read this, just remember it's a very personal thing and I don't really think about others as I write. This means I am not sending positive or negative messages to anyone and I rarely have anyone in mind as I write. Maybe I can sum this up in a few words: don't be offended by what you read, understand I am just trying to process life. With that being said, I am honest here. I try my best not to sugar coat things.

Since my last post I rode a camel, made cookies, and saw death for the first time. Two great things and one thing that is just reality.

A volunteer (Chelseas) here is leaving on Friday and one of the things she wanted to do is ride a camel. There is a tribe that comes through here (as I understand it) who are nomadic and have camels. I think they are technically displaced because they are usually in Blue Nile but I don't know for sure. Anyways, she had seen some camels in the market and really wanted to ride one. First, as we were walking to the market another NGO stopped their truck to ask if we wanted a ride to the market. We, of course, said yes and climbed in the back of his truck, stood up in the bed of his truck, and held on to a rail. It looked like we were in a parade! The funniest part were the people who saw us go by thought it was funny and we could hear, "Kawaja!" as we drove past. Once we got to the market we just walked until we saw camels and it didn't take long. We caught up to the camels and one of my co workers made small talk with a camel owner. Eventually, he just said the word, "girl" and pointed to the camel's back and said, "there". The camel owner was amused by this and immediately put the camel down so my friend could get on. Then she told me to get on, too! Haha, I've ridden a camel before but wasn't expecting to ride one this time! I did it anyways, of course. Why say no to a good camel ride? As we rode through...I don't know how to describe the area we went through...everyone would point and laugh and some people even followed us. It was really fun until we got off the camel. Getting on and off a camel is an adventure in itself but that is not the part that was un-fun. Once we got off some policemen or something were angry with us for something. I am actually really unclear about what happened because they were speaking Arabic and I can only understand very limited Arabic. They wanted money for something but we just kind of smiled, nodded, and walked away. They looked confused.

That night, Chelsea and I decided to make cookies. I got a recipe sent to me from a friend in Zambia. She understands the challenges of cooking with charcoal and sent me a recipe for no bake cookies. I understand no bake cookies are eaten everywhere but I have never had them before. They are very easy to make but since me and my partner in baking waited until night to make them, that made for an interesting time. The "kitchen" or mud hut we cooked them in has no lights. She had a head lamp but I had a flashlight that was a little difficult to maneuver. At one point I was shining it in my face and wondering why I couldn't see something. I clearly felt out of my element. We also realized that the kitchen is probably a great place for snakes since it's so warm and all the baby chicks like to hang out there. We kept an eye out for those snakes the whole time we were boiling ingredients! All the effort was worth it, though! They were gone in a day. I need to make a double batch next time and REALLY make the effort worth it.

Monday was technically a National Holiday for us, Martyr's Day. This holiday is to remember all those that died during the 21-year civil war between South Sudan and Sudan. I didn't really get to celebrate, I worked instead. I DID get to sleep in a little but had a meeting to go to a reports to finish before the meeting. Since all my reporting focuses on the hospital, I went to the hospital to collect the reports. While there, I went into the maternity clinic to get a report from someone and stumbled upon an emergency. A woman had come in with her premature twins. She had delivered both at home, I can't remember how long ago, and had recently noticed one was having a very hard time. Both had a skin infection which she had treated with some home remedy. One baby had a very bad infection and the home remedy had only made it worse and probably infected the blood. The other was getting worse but was nowhere near as bad. The baby with the bad infection had started gasping for breath, so the mother decided to bring the twins to the hospital. When I walked in, a health care worker was trying to get the baby to breathe. He had already started an IV so he could give it antibiotics to fight the infection but soon after it stopped breathing. The mother was holding the other twin and just sitting next to the baby that was being treated. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. The baby was so tiny, it didn't seem real. In the same room there were healthy babies, some born just half an hour earlier. As we watched, the clinic workers wrapped the baby in white cloth, told her they were sorry, and went on to treat the other twin. The mother cried but attended to her other baby. What else can you do? Life has to go on.

I've never seen anything like it before. It didn't make sense to me, this tiny baby dying. I have heard so many times before that death is part of life and life is a struggle from the moment you take your first breath but this was a very harsh reminder of how true those statements are. I have been far removed from many realities of life by growing up where I did. I still don't completely realize how sheltered I've been.

All in all, I am happy to be here. I am slowly learning what I need to know. Separating my new reality from my old one and realizing they cannot be compared. This is much different from that. I'm still getting used to the bucket "shower" but at least I have a way to get clean! A lot of great things are being done here and soon I will write about those things! For now, you have to deal with all my personal stories and emotional struggles. :)

A day off to reflect

Sunday here means a day off and it's a great time to reflect. For the past couple of days I have just been experiencing and not really processing. I was able to write a friend of mine an email last night and found myself beginning to work through some things I have seen. It's very easy to see things and know things but it's so different to really understand what is happening and come to terms with reality. I think I am a little too good and pretending reality is what it isn't. Here is some of what I wrote my friend:

Before I came, I really didn't know how I was going to react to refugees, death, suffering, hunger...all that. In my county, and all the refugee camps we serve, there is no more food. The refugees coming in are hungrier and sicker than the first wave that came. This either means they couldn't come with the first wave and had to wait, or the fighting is intensifying where they are, they were forced to flee, and have been without food longer. There are lots of hard parts to this but I feel like I don't feel any of it. Until I get on facebook.
 

 I cannot deal with the endless facebook posts about ending animal suffering. I cannot. Every time I see a picture posted of a stupid pig who can't roll around in his metal cage because fat americans want fatter pigs with a caption about how horrible this is...I want to post a picture of a malnourished child who is going to die because his government decided they would systematically kill him and all his relatives because they're black. I don't care about the pig. I don't care if my food is organic. I don't care if my chicken has been grass fed. I care about people, human beings. Maybe I wouldn't mind these posts if I EVER saw the same people advocate on behalf of their own species, but I never see those posts. It really frustrates me.

I know they are ignorant, live in a different world, have different pressing needs in their life, etc. I just have a difficult time being in both worlds: the world where 120,000 refugees are fighting to stay alive and the world where the people of facebook are crying out on behalf of a pig. I think the pig might have a better deal than some of the people here. At least he gets fed.

I know the media is the only source of information (sadly) for people far away so I know the world has forgotten about Sudan. The conflict isn't over, though, and it's disgusting what has taken over news channels instead. It should be a sign when two runners from Sudan get to the Olympics and immediately request asylum. Maybe something is happening in Sudan? I don't know. I am starting to work through some things and finding it difficult to even go on facebook without getting worked up.

That is the bulk of what I wrote on my frustration. I have only been here a few days but it is long enough to realize the situation here is bad. It makes me wish people could turn their attention to real issues that are going on in the world instead of focusing on such small things. I know America is having a rough time right now and I understand the need for them to be focusing on domestic issues but I really do wish more attention would be paid to the abuse of humans. 

When I lived in America I never really tried to help homeless people. Maybe once or twice but not regularly. So regrettable. I don't want to waste my energy on thinking about suffering pigs when my own people are suffering and going hungry on the streets of my own nation!It is a bad sign for the world if we as people have already given up on each other. A pig, cow, chicken, whatever, cannot help us unite and prosper. It is so important that we take care of each other.

Other than my little mind trying to come to terms with my new reality, I am going to try making cookies today. We only have a fire to use for cooking but I got a recipe for no bake cookies that just need a fire for boiling, should be interesting! I also got to hold a chick today! It was soooo itty bitty and looked like it had hatched recently. So cute. Once I get a little more settled I think I will have tons of POSITIVE adventures to write about along with all the challenges. This blog needs some balance!

Learning at the hospital

Today is not over yet but enough has happened that I want to write about.

There were some changes to the day that happened very early this morning which changed the day around a little. I didn't know anything had changed and I hadn't really been told yesterday what to do. However, I had been told I was going to be learning the Hospital Administrator's job so I could cover for him. He is going to medical school and they haven't hired his replacement yet so I get to learn his job for now. Because I knew this, I decided to tag along with our medical team to the hospital in the morning so I could see what it was all about.

We walked to the hospital, which is only a couple minutes away, and I got the pleasure of being able to greet a bunch of locals on the way. There is apparently a regular crew of kids that live nearby and play right outside our compound. They love to greet the staff as they walk by. It's always great to hear a bunch of kids yelling, "white person! (of course that is me translating the word they actually use since they don't speak english)" at you as you walk by. :) Once we arrived I was given a short tour of the grounds. It consists of several buildings set aside for different things, separated by gender. For example, we have a female ward for surgical patients and a male ward for surgical patients. The buildings are very basic cement buildings with beds inside. Each building can accommodate a different number of beds. I spent most of my morning in the maternity ward.

The maternity ward is the newest building and was very clean. It was interesting to see how they ran it. I don't have any experience in health care and can't really compare it to what a western system looks like but I can draw from the knowledge I do have. Most women here don't really have a primary care physician and I'm still unclear how they decide to visit our clinic when they're pregnant. It's unclear to me how they decide because women in all stages of pregnancy may show up. Today, a woman that was (estimated) 15 years old showed up for her first visit but may have been roughly 5 months along (she thought she was 7 months). She was surprising to me because she was so young, borderline SAM (severe acute malnourished), and positive for malaria. I think she may have also had a slight UTI. If I am remembering correctly, her only complaint was a headache. I couldn't believe it. Since I can't compare it to a western system I don't know how terrible all of this is on the scale of terribleness during pregnancy. I just assume it is rare for a woman to go to her doctor for a checkup and present all these symptoms. In fact, in America I always got the impression that pregnancy was very fragile. Here, life is hard to begin with and you have to be pretty tough to be thriving and pregnant. I did discover they have a pretty high miscarriage rate. Although, this is hard to confirm since it is nearly impossible to track due to most patients miscarrying at home and not coming to the hospital unless they can't stop the bleeding or other complications occur. 

I was really impressed with the sort of care we are able to provide them. We test them for diseases, we give helpful supplements and vaccines, and we listen for the heartbeat, among other things. I also learned how to check for the positioning of the baby, that was cool! I should have guessed it was possible to feel the bump and figure out where the baby was but I had never really thought about it before. I will also admit I got a little teary eyed when I heard the heartbeat of a baby for the first time. Something I know is quite different from the western symptom is that they have no epidural or pain relief for women during labor. I understand a lot of women in the west opt out of an epidural but here it isn't even an option. In addition, they traditionally make no noise during labor. Very interesting. A funny aspect of this is a woman will react horribly to a needle prick for a blood test and remain silent throughout labor. I can most definitely say in just two hours in the maternity ward I learned a ton.

After my hospital visit, I was able to learn a lot from the person I'll be covering until they hire someone else. This meant going through a ton of spreadsheets that are used to track what we do in the hospital. These reports then get used to track grants and budgets. Lots of reporting and tracking. Even though it seems mundane and boring, I think it is an amazing opportunity for me to learn how to manage a program. I also think it is interesting to track activities, notice health trends, and see on paper what sort of difference is being made.

Even though I didn't get to be very hands on today I felt as if I learned A TON. I know I still have loads to learn but I felt today was successful.

Fears

Finally, an update from Africa. I have only been here four days and feel like not much has happened. This feeling is totally wrong though because things have been weird ever since I got on African soil.

To begin with, I packed all my suitcases fully realizing one or more would be overweight. I accepted this and didn't care because I was moving somewhere for a year. The amazing part was when I got to the airport and one of the bags came out to be 56.5 pounds, 6.5 pounds over the limit, the gate agent ended up not charging me anything. That started my trip on a very positive note.

Then, two things happened that gave me an idea of how Africa might be. First, on my flight to Addis the man sitting in the middle asked to switch seats with me since I was in the aisle. I've never had anyone just ask like that since it's pretty common knowledge that aisle or window are preferred. No one wants the middle seat so I told him no. Second, at Addis airport some man demanded my recliner chair because I was on the computer and not sleeping yet so I didn't need it. Of course I told him no, too. After the second incident I noticed this pattern of communication, people thinking they could just have something is they asked me. Good thing I have no problem with saying no.

Once I got to Juba, no one had been told I would be there so I had to hang out awhile. This airport was a really interesting thing to see. It is itty bitty, there is no real order to how things happen, no baggage claim like I've ever seen, and people clamoring to get everywhere all at once. It was pretty amusing. I used an airport staff's phone and got in contact with someone so I could get out of there but not before the airport staff started getting worried for my well being. I guess they noticed the lonely American just hanging out. They kept asking me if someone was coming which ended up working out for me because they had no problem calling someone for me. Sometimes it works out to look helpless.

Juba itself was funny, it is the newest capital city in the world but I would never use the word "city" to describe it. It's just a mass of stores that sell things and I could never quite tell what they are selling. I stayed at a hotel in Juba and while the room was clean, the shower was quite cold. One night, there was this homeless and probably mentally ill woman standing near the entrance of my hotel. (The entrance was a big metal sliding door over dirt, by the way. I just didn't want anyone imagining a holiday inn or something. This was nothing like that.) I thought nothing of her and walked by but as I was walking by, she jabbed me really hard in the shoulder kind of pushing me. It caught me totally off guard! The people sitting at the entryway thought it was hilarious and I just kind of shrugged it off.

This morning was the experience that prompted the blog title. Recently, as in about a year ago, I started to develop a fear of flying. I guess it was the last bit of fear attached to the earthquake. I'm not exactly sure where the fear came from but it has been quite present for roughly a year. It hasn't stopped me from flying but it does make things a bit more tense. WELL funny thing is, the only way to get to my new work site is to fly in a tiny ass plane for 2 1/2 hours. Awesome. I was feeling a little anxiety last night but though that whatever is meant to be will be. What can I do in an airplane if it is crashing? Nothing, so why be so scared? I prayed and felt quite peaceful. The next morning, I still had peace about everything so I loaded up and went on my way. It was kind of cool to go to the airport to get on a private plane! The plane ride itself was actually really cool, not scary. I could feel the plane being pushed around a little but the ride was smooth and I could see everything!

Once we got close to my site, I could see the refugee camp from the air. It was huge. I saw all the plastic covering people's houses and was surprised at how many houses I saw. When I say houses, please understand I mean huts, tents, structures like this, not houses like we would find in America. We landed on a murram airstrip and my first itty bitty plane ride was over. I am so so happy it wasn't 2 1/2 hours of anxiety! It was a very peaceful ride.

This is already a long post, so I won't go into much detail about the day. I was able to walk through the refugee camp and see what we had going on here as well as attend a coordination meeting to give me an idea of which ngo's were doing what. Both things were incredible experiences in different ways.

Walking through the refugee camp was different than I thought it would be. In my mind, refugee camps are a place of suffering, disease, and death. That isn't really what I saw, though. I had never really thought through what the purpose of a refugee camp was: to find safety. Even though people are away from their homes and there is suffering and disease and death may happen, they are just trying to get on with life the best they can while they wait for their homes to be safe. The camp just looked like a huge village with lots of mud. I could say so much more about this but I will leave my thoughts on the camp here. I'll explore it more some other time.

The meeting was the first time I have ever been able to actually hear what goes into arranging services for people who have nothing. Food, health, nutrition, access...so many things go into trying to help the people get through what they are going through. It was so interesting to hear about it all.

I will end there. Much more happened and I'm not sure I really hit on all the highlights but this should give you an idea of what life has been like lately. I'm having so many new experiences daily...it will be difficult to write about it all!

Peace

I've known for about a month that I will be moving to Sudan. I've known but I haven't really put much thought into it. To me, it just was what it was, I was moving to Africa and that was my next step. Once that decision was made and that job was accepted I stopped wondering if this was right.

Rewind to one year ago.

I was AGONIZING over my decision to leave Japan. I couldn't decide what was right for me and why.

Why such a difference?

I sincerely believe this is what I am supposed to be doing and I can see a chain of events in my life that led me to this. I haven't been so sure of anything in a very long time. I feel joyful, at peace, and truly happy. Of course there are specific things and people I am very sad to leave behind or not have with me while I am there but I can't say no to this. Which leads me to this odd, nagging, negative thought I have sometimes: what if this ends up not working out?

I don't have an answer for that. I honestly don't. All I know is that I need to go.

I don't think I am a great writer nor do I think I am able to clearly express how I feel about things when they are happening. I have just completed my second day of orientation and the thought that keeps running through my head is, "HOW did I get this job?!" I feel so overwhelmed by how amazing this opportunity is and honored that I get to be a part of it. There have been so many moments when I want to cry because I can't believe I get to do what I am about to do. I know it is not about me but the reality is: I am about to be in the midst of a very intense, real, humanitarian disaster. And I get to do something about it. I am sure I won't be able to do all I want to and at first I won't know what to do at all but eventually, I will do something.

I cannot possibly put into words everything I am processing right now but I can say I am excited, clueless, amazed, a little nervous, and ready. I think I'm ready. We will see.