Trying to find a balance

I am better and completely believe in the healing powers of kimchi. Maybe what I mean is that I now know how great cabbage and spice are…even though Russia should have already taught me about cabbage.
Sometimes I wonder why good or bad things happen to certain people. How much of what happens to us is what we choose and how much is the ‘luck of the draw’? Is there just fate or is there just free will? I don’t think there is just one, but what’s the balance, how does that work? It’s insane to me how much of life we can’t really explain. Things happen because they happen. Sometimes it’s because we choose but sometimes it has nothing to do with what we choose. I had a friend who experienced a really rough night last night and she reminded me of this train of thought when she said, “Ashley, I know it sounds dumb but it’s when nights like last night happen that I think, what did I do for that to happen to me? I’m not a bad person, I never mean for anyone to feel hurt by my actions, so what did I do?” And the bittersweet answer to that is maybe she did nothing. Maybe it just happened that way and had nothing to do with her. It’s bitter because that’s just life and it’s sweet because she couldn’t have prevented it anyways and there’s nothing to regret. But I’ve been where she was. I have thought, ‘what did I do to deserve this situation?’. Who hasn’t? I wonder if there will ever be a point in my life when I think I have everything I want.
The other interesting half to this topic is maybe situations are not bad themselves but really our perception is what creates the negative reaction. Maybe. Living overseas has made me realize how different perceptions can really be. I always knew there were different sides to a story but I don’t know that I realized how different those sides could really be. How you are brought up to see something is how you will see it. If I hand a customer change with my left hand in America no one even thinks twice, but here they wouldn’t hand you something with their left hand only. And they are brought up to view someone giving you something with their bare left hand as negative. It’s interesting to realize point of view is SO diverse.

Life can be a little sweet but life can be a little shitty. --RHCP

Being sick just gives me a reason to be selfish

Wasn’t I just sick? I’m thinking my last sickness somehow didn’t count because I am sick again. This time legitimately sick in the way that you feel gross when you wake up and have an interesting time falling asleep, get a little worse everyday, and then hopefully get a bit better after you hit sickness bottom. I have an effing cold (or bird flu if you want to make it sound exotic). Boo. I taught a lot of my classes the word sick today so I guess I can attribute my cold to expanding the children of Korea’s vocabulary. And there’s the silver lining.
I’ve noticed over the years that when I am sick I tend to get a bit dramatic and all “poor me”. I think that’s the selfish me coming out. That also may shine through in this little update I’m about to give.
I’ve been in Korea for about 2 ½ months now…approaching the 3 month mark. Historically, this is about the time I start missing things from home. Right now I miss scalding hot water coming from my showerhead, people speaking English all around me, the number four button being an option in the elevator (they don‘t put the number 4 they just put the letter F since the number 4 looks like the word for death), studying (yes, I am that nerdy), calling anyone I want in America whenever I want and not having to say, ’I’m sorry, I’m on my computer, can you hear me better…now??’, the insanity of the holidays, the airport in December, reading the ingredients on the back of food and body products, and driving. Also snow, but there are places in America that I would also be missing that last one, so it only half counts. I realize that list has some weird things on it but you never really know what sort of things make you feel like home until you don’t have them anymore. Biggest pet peeve in Korea? That I can’t read ingredient labels. Seriously. I need to get a move on with learning Korean food words.
I went to the DMZ and if I was in a better mood, I would tell you all the awesome things I learned. Really though, I did find out a lot about North Korea that I didn’t know. It is insane how sheltered and closed off that country is. I was reminded of how ignorant I like to be of world happenings today when I read an article about how China likes to censor what information gets into their country. What’s the deal there? They don’t want their citizens to know what’s going on? I’m not sure I quite understand how a country advancing as quickly as China can afford to censor their people from information most of the world has access to. Doesn’t that sort of put their people at an informational disadvantage? I think it does, but who am I? Clearly not anyone at all close to influencing the Chinese government. Also, looking at it objectively, America also censors information…maybe just not as blatantly as China.
I’m currently looking at which grad schools I want to apply to. I’m not applying until next year, but I want to start preparing now or I’ll never do it.
Over the past few weeks I have realized that I talk about eggs too much, get very passionate about whatever book I happen to be reading, and am a pushover when it comes to cheating during made up card games like pumpernickel. Life is wonderful when you are learning.
And here are some lyrics to a song that makes me smirk when I realize my current situation:
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take but since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake (New Soul--Yael Naim)

Yoga is really more of an anger issue than a relaxation technique

I officially hate yoga. I realize that people do yoga to relax, clear their heads, feel better and more positive about life…but it just makes me angry. Maybe it would have been okay if my instructor was an English speaker who told me nice things like “focus on your core…breathe slowly…really concentrate on clearing out your center…” or whatever it is my instructor is saying, but in Korean. The only words I understand are ‘left’ ‘right’ and ‘switch’. I also somehow caught onto whenever he was telling us to put one of our limbs down. Not sure how that happened…but my brain got it. This week the anger came to a head and last night at my last class EVER of yoga I sat there during my least favorite poses and refused to do them. I realize this proves that I have regressed significantly when it comes to maturity and constructive communication, but I just couldn’t pretend anymore. My body naturally bends in ways it really shouldn’t, so this man though I liked yoga and had done it back in the states. I feel that I proved to him my hate for yoga when I just looked at him and instead of forcing me to “Ashley, again” he just let me give him a dirty look. What a kind man. He really is a kind man though, he gave me a neti pot! Nevertheless, I am going back to running.
I bought a plane ticket to Taiwan today. Craziness. I’m pretty stoked though…it should be warm enough to make me feel like it’s not New Years. Then again, for China, it WON’T be New Years. That should be a good adventure…find New Year’s in a country that runs on a lunar calendar. I have no doubts in my skills though, I will find the scene or create one myself.
Let’s see, what are some life highlights…. One of my most fluent and youngest English speakers drew me a picture that said, “This is for you, Teacher. I love you.” And I nearly cried. It was so sweet. There is a REASON her class is one of my favorites and I look forward to it everyday. Also, a little girl who I have had MAJOR issues with teaching (I.e. when we began, she could BARELY read and had SOMEHOW passed all her phonics classes?!?!?!) gave me a gift today. Lately, she has been getting WAY better, actually being able to read words and is speaking more which makes me very, very happy. She gave me two pens that said ‘Korea’ on them and had handmade Korean dolls on them. It sounds weird, but they are really cool pens.
I am feeling like I am progressing in personal growth. Finally. I started writing about some goals I have for myself and why I decided to come to Korea, which helped a lot with making me feel grounded and confident in my decisions. I’ve been getting a little irritated with Korean lately. It doesn’t help that I think it is an ugly language and don’t have any personal draw to it…I’m not way into learning a language for things like survival. I can survive with English. I am trying to force myself to learn anyways and know that eventually I’ll become intrigued by Korean. Hopefully that time comes sooner rather than later.

Holidays and the crazy things I do

So….how to process it all. I am getting better and better at this thing called culture shock mostly because it seems every culture is the same and simply expresses it differently. Once you find the common thread, what is left to be shocked over?
It doesn’t feel like Christmas in Korea because I’m not constantly being bombarded with reminders of how much money I need to spend since it’s CHRISTMAS and what ELSE do you do on Christmas but buy ridiculously expensive things for everyone in your life?! I’ve always loved every part of Christmas but the gifts. I think a couple years ago is when I stopped enjoying gifts. It just seems so ridiculous to feel pressured to buy things for people simply because that is what you did (or at least what the media screamed you should do). I understand the importance of tradition, I understand that there is the desire to show your loved ones that you love them by giving them something, but it feels so fake and forced. I always loved being able to relax, eat, joke around, watch movies, and just be with everyone I loved because it was Christmas. And then there was the candlelight Christmas Eve service…so beautiful. For some reason, I still cannot sleep on Christmas Eve…the excitement I felt as a child always creeps back up again and I just lay in bed with my eyes wide open and a smile on my face. I don’t know if that will happen this year. I don’t know though…I watched ‘Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!’ in one of my more advanced English classes the other night and cried when it got to the part where Linus tells the Christmas story out of the Bible. Then, tonight, I watched a scene from ‘The Polar Express’ and could not stop smiling. So, maybe that Christmas spirit is creeping up!
I do yoga here in Korea but for the past couple of times I have had to force myself to go. My instructor is unbelievably kind, but I just don’t really like yoga. I am already flexible, so I don’t really feel like it’s pushing me to new heights. All I feel it doing is inflict pain on random body parts because the language barrier causes me to pull muscles instead of gently stretch them. The instructor is always saying, “Ashley, slow, slow.” But when he isn’t watching and trying to instruct in Korean, I tend to go fast, fast. I definitely messed up my neck and in between my shoulders tonight. Go me. I think I’m going to go back to running.
The guy I do the language exchange with told me that a Russian professor he knows will let me start attending her classes for free. I am so excited! The only snags I see in this plan are 1. I hope the time of the classes match the times I can go and 2. I don’t know Korean and she doesn’t know English…so it looks like I will be learning Korean and Russian at the same time. I honestly think I know enough Russian for her to be able to explain any misunderstanding in Russian and it will be okay, but if not, then my Korean will also be getting better. Insane. I’m pretty excited and REALLY hope I can do the class. I’m hoping to meet her tomorrow when I go with my friend to his University.
I made chicken noodle soup pretty much from scratch the other night. Even though it’s not hard, it tasted amazing and that made me proud of myself.
I finally watched ‘Blood Diamond’ about a week ago and realized how in love with Africa I really am. A friend of mine said he doesn’t think it would take much to “fix” Africa, but then what would we have to “fix” next. I’m not sure I agree and I’m not sure one can really use an excuse like that to justify not doing it. There was a part in the movie where Leo DiCaprio’s character is talking to an African dude who asks Leo if he thinks there are good or bad people. Leo’s character says that he doesn’t think there are good or bad people, there are just people who DO good and bad things. Even a bad person can be redeemed by a good action. I found it very interesting, true, and somewhat disturbing how capable any person is of doing whatever they feel they have to. I’ve also been listening to a LOT of business/economic NPR programs. It’s very interesting hearing about all the pieces of the puzzle that make up the current economic state of the world. Learning about the hyperinflation happening in Zimbabwe blew my mind. How that mess will get figured out is beyond me.
I think this is enough of an update for now. My Thanksgiving turned out to be FANTASTIC and I got to eat stuffing made from scratch by me. There, of course, were other wonderful things to eat and my Irish friend that taunted me over how many Thanksgiving’s he was getting ended up giving me turkey. All was well. J