Every night I have this new routine: do something to get me closer to moving to Tokyo. Japan is a tough job market, even for teachers. Another thing that has been a part of this routine has been the inability to fall asleep. Yes, my friends, insomnia. I think there are a lot of reasons for it but I feel the biggest reason is stress. I’m not normally a stressed out person but I guess things are stacking up.
So here is a short story about faith, insomnia, and peace. How those go together I don’t really know but here’s the story anyways. The other night I was applying for jobs and was actually starting to feel sleepy. This is a first in a long time. I think it’s the first time I’ve felt sleepy and not just tired since I’ve been back (maybe 5 weeks, then?). I tried to go to sleep but it was just not working out which led me to start getting really frustrated. I just felt like everything was not working out. Keep in mind I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks and I’m unhappy with a few things right now so I guess I was kind of pouting. Then I remembered something, my steps are ordered. I remembered a time when I was co-leader for a trip to West Africa and my co-leader was praying for me. Afterwards, he reminded me that my steps were ordered and not to worry about the future like I do because it wasn’t something to worry about. After this memory, I felt peace. I know that I still have to work hard, explore every opportunity, apply for as many jobs as I can find; but it’s okay. My step was slightly springier the next day and I slept decent.
This is next part is only semi related to the above, but since this isn’t an essay or anything I don’t need to have nice transitions. I will say though that by not writing transitions, I feel like a really awful writer. I think of it this way though, if the blog’s purpose if for you to know what’s going on in my life, what better way to hear it than the way I think it? I know, good theory. Today I played the what-if game. I’m kind of obsessed with it and it helps me feel better about most decisions. The way to play is think of something you are about to do and then think of the craziest/worst thing that could happen as an outcome. Great game. Also a kinda scary game and the only time I wasn’t happy that I played was when I got my tattoo. Anyways, I played that game about Japan and realized even if it doesn’t work out, everything will still work out. I realize that is a really unclear statement, but I’m sure you can put it together.
I have to remind myself often that what I hate about my job isn’t my job, it’s my boss. It’s really awful, but I can’t even look at him. Literally. When he goes by, I look away. We do not speak at work, not at all. Today I realized that sometimes my stress and anger with my boss comes out with my students and it made me very unhappy for realize. I like teaching, I like playing with them, challenging them, showing them how to learn. I feel awful for getting impatient, frustrated, not allowing them to explore. Now I realize I have to make a conscious effort to show them love, kindness, and provide a creative atmosphere for them to learn. Yeah, I sound kinda like a hippy, but I really believe it’s good for them to have a creative atmosphere. And I’ll stop there and not go in depth with my teaching philosophies. I just want them to know they are not their grade, they can explore and be wrong and it’s okay. Sometimes learning is about mistakes.
Everyday I find myself trying really, really hard to see the good in everything. I know there’s good. The most difficult part about feeling sad or frustrated is I’m not really sure I know how to handle it for long periods of time. I want to change it, but I really don’t know how. I know my life is not a very difficult thing by any measure, but I am still glad to have my family and friends to support me when I feel knocked down by it all. And when I say glad I mean that I do really think that if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t make it.
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