Crazy, emotional, lost hamster haze.

I've always thought that I was a fair person. In the past, I always did my best to be fair and not let my emotions get the best of me. Perhaps I haven't done a perfect job and if I looked back would be disappointed in myself. Recently, I haven't had to look back at all since I can see how I am acting almost immediately after I act. I have noticed that ever since I started up a relationship, I have not been fair and I have often let my emotions get the best of me. I can't explain it and I can't justify it, all I can say is that being in love with someone and working through things can make me feel crazy. I have never felt more guilty, giddy, happy, angry, frustrated, content, and satisfied all at once. And even in the times when I feel truly crazy, I am still so thankful. Maybe it's because I AM crazy? I have no idea.
Completely unrelated, I got a hamster! It's a dwarf hamster named Rio and I am shockingly so happy to have a pet. Shockingly because I am not really a pet kind of person--completely contrary to how 12 year old me thought I would be at this age. Unfortunately, Rio escaped about 3 days ago and I'm pretty sure he found his way outside and is lost forever/dead. I was VERY sad but also happy that hamster's only cost 600yen (about $6). This also may explain why I'm not a good pet person. Sometimes I side with logic a little too much. What else is cheap like hamsters? Natural cures.
Coconut oil is basically the best thing to ever come from coconut's. You can use it as a canker sore cure! This stuff is good for EVERYTHING! It's great for cooking, moisturizer, tanning lotion, mouthwash, canker sore relief and that list goes on and on. I put some oil in my mouth and for real, the pain almost immediately went down. It's not numb or anything, the pain is just much less. Very cool.
In other news, I am antsy and want another goal to work towards since the fsot is over. I get the results in a week but can't count on it so...I need to do something else. I SHOULD study and take the gre but I have zero motivation to do so. I guess I just need to push until it feels right. Good advice for some instances, terrible for others. Keep that in mind.

One step at a time

Today, I finally did something I have been wanting to do for the past two years. I studied, I woke up early, and I arrived at the embassy by 8:00 am. A bit early, but I was nervous and had never been to the embassy before. Being there felt strangely relaxing and comforting, not stressful and busy like I thought it would be. Everyone seemed friendly and welcoming which, when you think about it, makes absolute sense for an embassy. I was ready and my initial negative feelings went away as I finally took the foreign service officer test. I know it's such a small step, but it's the first step and it had to be taken in order for any other steps to be possible. To be offered a job with the foreign service would be really amazing and I'm hoping to get further in the process than a test at the embassy. But...I'm at the beginning.
Which brings me to wonder...why did I wait two years? What was I waiting FOR?! The true answer is I was waiting for my own insecurities to abate before I tried for anything I truly wanted. Once I got to Japan, I realized that would never happen and if I wanted my life to be a life I loved I had to take the chance of failure. So I applied.
I know it's just a test and I don't even know if I passed but just the act of taking it made me feel empowered and like I was getting back to feeling strong and confident. Next, is grad school applications and the GRE. I want to shape a life I love to live, a life I feel I can be proud of. I want to realize my happiness and maintain it so I can contribute something to the world. Because, when I'm unhappy, I don't contribute very much.