patience

So what now? This was the first question I asked myself after the shaking stopped. I've experienced earthquakes before but never one this strong and long-lasting. I doubt this is something I can forget but just in case, I want to write about what happened.
I was at school when it happened. About 10-15 minutes before the mom's show up we put all the students in one room so it's easier to call their name to go home. Some mom's had begun showing up when we felt a slight shake. It felt like an average earthquake so we told the kids to stay still. Then, the shaking got more violent and it was clear this was not an average earthquake. We yelled at the students to go outside, they looked at us blankly, we yelled again, they ran. There were a few toddlers who were terrified at this point since no one had ever felt shaking like this before and they knew everyone was scared. They had no idea what was happening. On my way out of the building I scooped up two toddlers and ran. At this point, I didn't feel scared. I didn't really feel anything except an urgency to get myself and the students away from danger. After that, I wanted to make sure they weren't scared since all of their parents weren't there yet.
Eventually, the shaking did stop and people started trying calling their husbands, friends, family members and had no service. Cell phones weren't working. When I realized this I realized this earthquake was definitely a big deal. I waited with some students until their mothers showed up and then went back into my school to get my things so I could go home. I still had after school lessons to teach at a different location. When I went back into the school it was still swaying and our office had papers and books all over the floor. There wasn't any real damage, just a mess. You could still hear the building creaking and the earth adjusting. No one knew what to do. No one had ever been in a situation like this before. Everyone was wanting to go check on their family and then I realized I was in Narita alone. This was when I began feeling scared.
I had no choice but to just carry on with regular life. As I was riding my bike, I started to feel myself going up and down and I could hear rattling. I stopped my bike and felt the big aftershock. It felt almost as violent as the initial quake. Before riding to my school I rode around my neighborhood to release some tension. As I rode past an old man he told me a tsunami was coming. I wasn't sure what to do with that information since no one was really evacuating and everyone seemed so calm. I made my way to my school for the after school lessons and met up with a mother from my school. She said she also had no phone service but that I should try email as she had heard that was working better. I was told since there was no phone service or any way to contact the students or for them to contact us, I should wait about an hour and a half to see if anyone shows up. I spent some of the time trying to contact Omar and on facebook to see if he'd updated anything. The aftershocks were happening about every 5 minutes. Some were pretty strong, others were mild. These didn't bother me until I imagined what it would be like to experience earth shaking every five minutes on my own in my apartment on the fourth floor. At this thought, I emailed a friend asking if I could stay with her. I was so thankful after the email went through and she said yes since I was starting to feel scared.
While I waited to see if students would show up and when I wasn't trying to contact people, I was able to read some news on what had happened and where. I saw pictures of the tsunami and caught up on what had happened so far. It was shocking. I have never been so close to such a large disaster. I honestly didn't know what to think. I didn't know if I should be very afraid, not go home, find an evacuation place, get a plane ticket home, I had no real knowledge of the extent of the disaster. No one really did. All we knew was that this quake was huge and we weren't even the hardest hit. Of course, no students showed up. I checked with my boss before I left to make sure we still had Saturday classes and, of course, we did.

I went back to my apartment to check on things. On the way I saw an old couple walking towards the nearest evacuation center with hard hats on, overnight bags and flashlights in hand. I wondered if I should take the hint. Of course, when I got back to my apartment, everything was in disarray. Everything had been shaken across whatever room it was in. Thankfully, nothing had been broken. My hamsters were going nuts but all were okay. I gave them a lot of food (I think Pei Pei is a stress eater), cleaned up a little bit, unplugged everything that could be unplugged, and left my apartment. Even if it is safe to stay there, I don't like to stay in that tiny apartment by myself. Even before the quake I hated it. After the quake, it is almost unbearable.

That night, I was so thankful to stay with a friend since the aftershocks kept happening about every 5 minutes. With every shake it was easy to wonder, was the huge quake that just happened a pre-shock? Nobody knows. Even if it wasn't, every aftershock still brings risk and can easily remind you of your fear. I was glad not to be alone. Because of the aftershocks, I barely slept at all and was instead shaken awake every hour or so. It was like a constant reminder that this quake was not one I could easily forget or quickly leave behind. Instead of sleeping, I tried to talk to as many people as I could back in the States on chat and skype. I knew they couldn't understand what was happening but it was a comfort to me just to be able to talk.

The next morning it seemed as if the aftershocks were further apart and less severe than before. This calmed me down a little. Looking out the window I expected to find panic and damage but it looked like nothing had happened. It seemed eerily calm. I went to get my bike so I could get to work and couldn't find my bike anywhere! I thought maybe I had misplaced it so I looked in the only other place it would be and it wasn't there either! Someone had taken my bike! While stealing bikes isn't uncommon in Japan, I was outraged that someone would do that at a time like this. Besides that, it had been locked so how did they even steal it? I was bewildered but it DID take my mind off of everything else and I still had time to walk to work. I go to work to find that the other teacher had not called or shown up. She had assumed Saturday classes would be canceled and my boss decided two teachers was enough anyways so we went to school. Most students had already called in absent, but since not all phones were working, my boss thought it would be best to go to school and wait for those who may show up. Only two students showed up. We ended up cleaning up the school and leaving around noon. I learned from the students that many places around Narita had no power. There were still regular aftershocks, even during the lessons. It was really distracting, but none were severe. While working I felt no stress or worry. I could concentrate on the task and put everything else out of my mind. I wish I could feel this way when I am alone feeling the aftershocks.

After work I tried to go see Omar, but the trains were only running to limited areas and there were none going to Tokyo. I had to stay the night by myself and hope the next day the trains would run. By now I was more scared than I have ever been in my life. I didn't know what the future would bring, I had heard the power was going to go out. I was alone in a place where I am an outsider, where I still can't understand anything, and I had to face it basically by myself. Even though I have some friends in the area, most of them are also foreigners and can't help as much as they would even like to. It's a tricky situation. As I walked back to my house I stopped in a store and saw that people had already started stocking up on everything. Some shelves were almost bare and there was no water anywhere. This was 24 hours after the first quake. I was a little bit surprised since I didn't think Narita had been really affected by the quake. It was scary, yes, but I didn't know it meant I should stock up on things in preparation. The stress and fear were really starting to grow in me and I was discovering more and more that I know almost nothing about what to do in a disaster. I can react quickly during it, but afterwards I feel lost. I've never been through it before and I tend to learn from experience. In this case, that is the worst way possible to learn. Thankfully, I live in Japan and despite the fact that this was a huge disaster, they have not lost their sense of calm and order. Even if everyone is in a rush to stock up, no one is looting. Instead, everyone is waiting patiently in lines to get anything they may need. It's an incredible thing to see.

The next morning I woke up early because there were three large aftershocks within an hour and I couldn't get back to sleep after them. I got ready hoping the trains would be running and I could get out a city I felt trapped in. THANKFULLY, all trains were running back on regular schedule and on Sunday morning I was able to see Omar.

His city is very different from mine. Here, I felt no aftershocks and no panic. People are still stocking up as much as possible and preparing for the planned power outages, but it doesn't seem as bare as my city. It feels so much safer here. Upon arriving, I was already dreading going back to my city. Back to the seemingly never-ending shaking, the shortage of supplies, and the loneliness (my new enemy). I woke up Monday morning to a huge blessing in disguise: due to planned power outages, most trains were not running and NO trains out of the city I was in were running at all. While I was feeling some relief, I knew I still had to convince my boss I couldn't make it back today. At first, she was unwilling to believe it wasn't possible. She checked herself and then saw that it would be close to impossible to get back today. The only way was by bus and then train, but most buses going into Tokyo are already full. I feel sad and guilty that I am missing my school's graduation tomorrow, but I also feel relieved that I can be safe and with someone I love for one more day.

That brings me to now. It's still Monday and I need to figure out a way to get home tomorrow. I heard from some friends that my city now has run out of gasoline, drinking water (in most places), and has many empty shelves in the supermarket as well. It seems worse there than it is where I am now. I know that this blog has seemed completely void of emotion, but I'm trying to keep my emotions under control for now. I have been worried, scared, stressed, and unsure of so much since Friday afternoon that I just want to feel peace and calm. I understand that I was by far not the hardest hit and cannot even comprehend what it is like just a few hours away from here. However, I am trying to process what has happened to me and feel guilty for feeling like I can't handle it by myself. I want to be strong but I'm finding it really difficult. When I think about it, I can't even figure out why it has effected me so deeply. I want to be able to brush it away and think everything is going to improve, but even through the apparent calm all around me I can sense that other people are afraid, too. I know that things will get better and I know that I will do my best to help the people of Japan recuperate, so for now I am trying my best to control myself and live day by day until everything can be more normal.

That's my update for now. I hope to update again in a couple of days so everyone back home can understand my situation. Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, and chats. They seriously help.