Even when you remove yourself from your normal life, life still goes on. Even when you are living in a hard place, working in difficult circumstances, dealing with things you never planned on needing to face, life still happens. Everything you left behind is still with you, nothing ever actually gets left behind. I have had to learn this so many times.
November has been very difficult for me. I think when things are difficult people look for reasons, we always want to justify any pain we have to endure. Especially if it's pain we can't do anything about.
Everybody dies and that I can deal with, I can work through the cycle of mourning and knowing that whoever died was in my life for a reason and that is something to celebrate. My grandma was a feisty woman and I always admired that about her. She definitely had a fire to her that I think I inherited. She always spoke her mind but really tried to be kind to people. As much as she could insult people (and she could!), practically, she was kind to everyone she met. I can be happy remembering she was my grandma.
Every relationship does not have to die. It's hard to watch someone go from being absolutely in love with you to hating you in a very short amount of time. There is no cycle of mourning for that, there is no procedure to remembering them. You're not even supposed to remember them. They are still alive, their love is not unconditional, they took whatever you gave and shattered it. It doesn't matter what you promised each other, what plans you made, the words you said, the love that was exchanged, none of that matters. When one person decides that the relationship is over, the other person just has to...let it die. They are supposed to forget the promises, pretend love is still real, and try to find someone else.
Falling in love is like being on drugs, everything is beautiful and happy. Every day is euphoric. It doesn't matter when you fight because you know you'll make up because that person loves you and that is sacred, such a special thing. Love deserves to be protected and fought for. Falling out of love is hell. It feels like your insides are breaking, literally. Like you can't breathe normally anymore, it's difficult to really think clearly, everything you hear sounds like a lie, and everything seems unjust.
Regardless, as I said before, life goes on. Life will not always be like this, it will go on. More people will com into my life and more people will die. More people will hurt me and more things will remind me that I cannot escape life. Life has good things and bad things, it is a crazy mix. It is all life.
This reminds me of an excerpt from The Brother's Karamazov which says, "Do you know I've been sitting here thinking to myself: that if I didn't believe in life, if I lost faith in the woman I love, lost faith in the order of things, were convinced, in fact, that everything is a disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devil-ridden chaos, if I were struck by every horror of man's disillusionment- still I should want to live and, having once tasted of the cup, I would not turn away from it till I had drained it!" That is what I believe. Life is too precious to want to stop. Life is too amazing to let someone or something ruin it all. People are people. No matter what, they will betray you, lie to you, disappoint you, and amaze you.
November has been very difficult for me. I think when things are difficult people look for reasons, we always want to justify any pain we have to endure. Especially if it's pain we can't do anything about.
Everybody dies and that I can deal with, I can work through the cycle of mourning and knowing that whoever died was in my life for a reason and that is something to celebrate. My grandma was a feisty woman and I always admired that about her. She definitely had a fire to her that I think I inherited. She always spoke her mind but really tried to be kind to people. As much as she could insult people (and she could!), practically, she was kind to everyone she met. I can be happy remembering she was my grandma.
Every relationship does not have to die. It's hard to watch someone go from being absolutely in love with you to hating you in a very short amount of time. There is no cycle of mourning for that, there is no procedure to remembering them. You're not even supposed to remember them. They are still alive, their love is not unconditional, they took whatever you gave and shattered it. It doesn't matter what you promised each other, what plans you made, the words you said, the love that was exchanged, none of that matters. When one person decides that the relationship is over, the other person just has to...let it die. They are supposed to forget the promises, pretend love is still real, and try to find someone else.
Falling in love is like being on drugs, everything is beautiful and happy. Every day is euphoric. It doesn't matter when you fight because you know you'll make up because that person loves you and that is sacred, such a special thing. Love deserves to be protected and fought for. Falling out of love is hell. It feels like your insides are breaking, literally. Like you can't breathe normally anymore, it's difficult to really think clearly, everything you hear sounds like a lie, and everything seems unjust.
Regardless, as I said before, life goes on. Life will not always be like this, it will go on. More people will com into my life and more people will die. More people will hurt me and more things will remind me that I cannot escape life. Life has good things and bad things, it is a crazy mix. It is all life.
This reminds me of an excerpt from The Brother's Karamazov which says, "Do you know I've been sitting here thinking to myself: that if I didn't believe in life, if I lost faith in the woman I love, lost faith in the order of things, were convinced, in fact, that everything is a disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devil-ridden chaos, if I were struck by every horror of man's disillusionment- still I should want to live and, having once tasted of the cup, I would not turn away from it till I had drained it!" That is what I believe. Life is too precious to want to stop. Life is too amazing to let someone or something ruin it all. People are people. No matter what, they will betray you, lie to you, disappoint you, and amaze you.
2 comments:
Ashley, I wish so much I could give you a big hug right now! But since I can't, hopefully my words will convey the love :)
I'm so proud of you for taking chances, for doing what many wouldn't dare, for never giving up. You're so resilient--although you go through some crazy stuff, you always come out stronger.
Your appreciation for life never ceases to amaze me. I think it's one reason people are drawn to you. Where I struggle with wanting to give up or run away from life's difficulties or life itself, you see the messy preciousness of it. You're a good reminder to me.
Know that you have people who love you and who are praying for you!
With a big hug...
Michelle M
Post a Comment