Oh, how things have changed

I just finished reading a facebook post from a person I have never met. Their husband is fighting a fierce battle with cancer and she is by his side. That battle is something I have no experience with but have seen people fight in a dilapidated hospital in the middle of nowhere. She is understandably desperate for God to heal her husband and give them time together on this Earth to proclaim His gospel or do whatever else they think they will do on this Earth.

I admire her for her faith. I admire them both. I cannot imagine what sort of pain that is or how difficult it is to keep trusting God. I don't know. I will pray for his healing and I sincerely believe God can bring that healing. BUT. There is always that but isn't there? I think there are many that would believe me even inserting a but means I have no faith. That is not the case.

The thing is, I don't know what God's will is. Cancer is ugly and vicious, I know this. Sickness often is. I do not believe sickness comes from God but I also know for a fact that not everyone gets well. People die. Everyday people die. I have seen innocent babies die for preventable reasons. God could have healed them and He didn't. I don't know why and at this point in my life the why doesn't matter. God is still good, He still has a plan, He is still sovereign.

The horrible truth is: her husband may not get better. He may die. What makes it horrible is I feel guilty for thinking of that when I read her facebook posts and all the comments standing with her in faith. God has the entire situation in His hands and I will trust that I don't know what's good and what's bad because I DON'T. I have a human mind with human limitations...I cannot fathom what God has in store. I just can't. Realizing that is quite scary because I could be in the exact same situation as this woman or her husband and in that time I would need to believe that God is still good, He still has a plan, and He is still sovereign.

Ohhhhh, how things have changed! I no longer feel entitled or as if I "deserve" anything. I have seen so many justifiably deserving people get forgotten and left  behind for no logical reason at all. People murdering and raping based on decades old grudges. The world is not a fair place and facing that is heartbreaking. I just hope to never lose sight of who God really is. He is always good, He always has a plan, He is always sovereign.

The poison of wrong decisions

As I wrote about last time, I am thinking a lot about timing, measure and balance. I sincerely feel that roughly 6 months ago I lost my timing, have taken too much with my current organization, and my life is completely out of balance. I can feel it resonating throughout everything and it is the most uncomfortable feeling.

6 months ago I had the opportunity to walk away from my current organization and move on. Instead of doing this, I decided to re-sign a contract and stay for an additional year. It was such a mistake. I believe I made the decision out of fear; I was comfortable with my organization and so far had a good experience. I knew that I should move on but simply did not want to. Since then, life has been teaching me the very difficult lesson of learning to listen to yourself. I hope I do not forget it.

I honestly do not like going to work, answering my email, or doing anything related to my current job. I will not say I hate it because hate is so....poisonous...but then again, I feel as if not liking my job is like poison. It has such a negative effect on everything and is so frustrating. I believe the work I do is important and it's not a matter of valuing the outcome or not, it is more about knowing this just isn't the place for me.

The hope is soon I can move forward and get to a place where I feel as if I am progressing, learning, and growing in my profession.

Timing, measure, balance

After a weekend trip to Uganda, which was tiring and rushed, I woke up this morning considering how I spent my time. This thought didn't just concern my Uganda trip, it was concerning how I spent my time on any given day. My work is often draining, requires long hours, includes difficult communication across language barriers, and produces lots of pressure. When I have time off, I typically want to spend it doing close to nothing. This is not like my personality, though, and often makes me feel lazy and causes a lot of self hate. It really is a vicious cycle of exhaustion, laziness, guilt, sadness, repeat. I don't think this is healthy.

A friend and mentor once told me that feeling content in life was always a challenge. He found that evaluating and making right decisions was made up of three things: timing, measure, and balance. Timing was considering if what you were doing was the right time. This applies to everything: if it's not the right time, not everything will be right. Measure considers in what amount you are doing something. That is an odd way to phrase it but if you look at your life, you cannot do every single thing everyday for hours on end, you need to have the proper measure. Finally, there was balance. Getting enough rest to sustain yourself, working enough to be productive, etc. If all of those things were in harmony, you felt content and happy. I really liked this theory because it seems biblical to me (Ecc 3) and after incorporating it into my own life and thinking, it feels right. If one of those things is off with my decisions, the timing, measure or balance, it doesn't work so well. I understand there is much more to it than just this simple explanation but I think those three things are a good foundation.

I'd really like to end my vicious cycle of disliking my action and do more to bring myself into harmony. Time to look at the timing, measure, and balance of the things in my life! 2014 begins!