Oh, how things have changed

I just finished reading a facebook post from a person I have never met. Their husband is fighting a fierce battle with cancer and she is by his side. That battle is something I have no experience with but have seen people fight in a dilapidated hospital in the middle of nowhere. She is understandably desperate for God to heal her husband and give them time together on this Earth to proclaim His gospel or do whatever else they think they will do on this Earth.

I admire her for her faith. I admire them both. I cannot imagine what sort of pain that is or how difficult it is to keep trusting God. I don't know. I will pray for his healing and I sincerely believe God can bring that healing. BUT. There is always that but isn't there? I think there are many that would believe me even inserting a but means I have no faith. That is not the case.

The thing is, I don't know what God's will is. Cancer is ugly and vicious, I know this. Sickness often is. I do not believe sickness comes from God but I also know for a fact that not everyone gets well. People die. Everyday people die. I have seen innocent babies die for preventable reasons. God could have healed them and He didn't. I don't know why and at this point in my life the why doesn't matter. God is still good, He still has a plan, He is still sovereign.

The horrible truth is: her husband may not get better. He may die. What makes it horrible is I feel guilty for thinking of that when I read her facebook posts and all the comments standing with her in faith. God has the entire situation in His hands and I will trust that I don't know what's good and what's bad because I DON'T. I have a human mind with human limitations...I cannot fathom what God has in store. I just can't. Realizing that is quite scary because I could be in the exact same situation as this woman or her husband and in that time I would need to believe that God is still good, He still has a plan, and He is still sovereign.

Ohhhhh, how things have changed! I no longer feel entitled or as if I "deserve" anything. I have seen so many justifiably deserving people get forgotten and left  behind for no logical reason at all. People murdering and raping based on decades old grudges. The world is not a fair place and facing that is heartbreaking. I just hope to never lose sight of who God really is. He is always good, He always has a plan, He is always sovereign.

The poison of wrong decisions

As I wrote about last time, I am thinking a lot about timing, measure and balance. I sincerely feel that roughly 6 months ago I lost my timing, have taken too much with my current organization, and my life is completely out of balance. I can feel it resonating throughout everything and it is the most uncomfortable feeling.

6 months ago I had the opportunity to walk away from my current organization and move on. Instead of doing this, I decided to re-sign a contract and stay for an additional year. It was such a mistake. I believe I made the decision out of fear; I was comfortable with my organization and so far had a good experience. I knew that I should move on but simply did not want to. Since then, life has been teaching me the very difficult lesson of learning to listen to yourself. I hope I do not forget it.

I honestly do not like going to work, answering my email, or doing anything related to my current job. I will not say I hate it because hate is so....poisonous...but then again, I feel as if not liking my job is like poison. It has such a negative effect on everything and is so frustrating. I believe the work I do is important and it's not a matter of valuing the outcome or not, it is more about knowing this just isn't the place for me.

The hope is soon I can move forward and get to a place where I feel as if I am progressing, learning, and growing in my profession.

Timing, measure, balance

After a weekend trip to Uganda, which was tiring and rushed, I woke up this morning considering how I spent my time. This thought didn't just concern my Uganda trip, it was concerning how I spent my time on any given day. My work is often draining, requires long hours, includes difficult communication across language barriers, and produces lots of pressure. When I have time off, I typically want to spend it doing close to nothing. This is not like my personality, though, and often makes me feel lazy and causes a lot of self hate. It really is a vicious cycle of exhaustion, laziness, guilt, sadness, repeat. I don't think this is healthy.

A friend and mentor once told me that feeling content in life was always a challenge. He found that evaluating and making right decisions was made up of three things: timing, measure, and balance. Timing was considering if what you were doing was the right time. This applies to everything: if it's not the right time, not everything will be right. Measure considers in what amount you are doing something. That is an odd way to phrase it but if you look at your life, you cannot do every single thing everyday for hours on end, you need to have the proper measure. Finally, there was balance. Getting enough rest to sustain yourself, working enough to be productive, etc. If all of those things were in harmony, you felt content and happy. I really liked this theory because it seems biblical to me (Ecc 3) and after incorporating it into my own life and thinking, it feels right. If one of those things is off with my decisions, the timing, measure or balance, it doesn't work so well. I understand there is much more to it than just this simple explanation but I think those three things are a good foundation.

I'd really like to end my vicious cycle of disliking my action and do more to bring myself into harmony. Time to look at the timing, measure, and balance of the things in my life! 2014 begins!

My addiction

I have discovered I am addicted. I can't decide what my addiction is but I am very aware that I am most definitely addicted.
I started doing aid work 13 months ago. I had no idea what I was getting into; I was just a wide eyed, naive, eager woman who wanted to make some sort of difference. 13 months later I feel a little less wide eyed and naive but every bit as eager as I was before...and maybe even more eager than before. I recently clicked on a link to a cool blog and ended up stumbling upon a website called chasing misery. Here is the excerpt that especially caught my eye:

"The name for the anthology comes from a conversation that the Head of the Editorial Team, Kelsey Hoppe, had while in Indonesia following the 2004 tsunami in which hundreds of thousands of people died and so many more lost their homes, families and livelihoods. After a long day, she was sitting on the roof of a house with a friend, tired, sad and thought ‘what a strange life this is, what a strange profession – ‘chasing human misery’ around the world as we go from one emergency response to the next." --http://www.chasingmisery.com/the-book/

That hit me because I do sometimes encounter feeling that way. I have been in the same place for my entire aid work career thus far but ever since we moved out of an emergency response I have felt that old familiar feeling of needing to move on. I think I may have been designed for disaster response. During an emergency response, everything is different. Agencies are forced to partner for the benefit of the beneficiaries, you do whatever it takes to get the job done, you learn as you go, qualifications don't matter as long as the job gets done, it's just more challenging and dare I say it, FUN. Once the emergency fades, politics get involved, people start showing off, qualifications are suddenly all that matter, and people put off doing the job no matter what for doing the job according to policies. It's not as fun. 
The other night I met a colleague working for another agency and shared a summarized version of the above excerpt and asked him what he thought. He shared a fantastic point of view by telling me he didn't look at it as chasing misery but instead bringing hope. I love that. The reason it resonates is because I do believe that is closer to the truth. I don't feel a buzz because people are suffering, witnessing that part is difficult, I feel the buzz because I am able to do something about it. The aim is to give them some hope so they can have the strength to pick themselves up. 
One thing I have learned over and over is that life is not fair. It simply is not. I may be addicted to responding to emergencies but maybe a better way to phrase that is I am addicted to bringing hope. The world would be amazing if everyone could find a similar addiction. 

difficult/great

Things that have been difficult lately:

1. Rainy season. It makes the road muddy, breaks our vehicles, and brings disease. Oh, rainy season...you are difficult.
2. Death. Community forced abortion, a loved staff member, and the many more dying everyday...it wears you down. So many questions, doubts, sadness...lots of emotions. 
3. Relationships. Starting, ending, transitioning. That is difficult.

Things that have been great:

1. I signed up for another year contract. Yay! I value my work and I'm happy to continue.
2. I'm going to England to see friends I haven't seen in so long! It makes my soul happy.
3. Cat hasn't died. Yes, to me, this is great. 

Strange update...just had to get some events in writing.

This is not an original thought

I never update. When I do, I am never very eloquent or descriptive of what life has really been like. I am sincerely sorry for that since I look back on these entries often and am so appreciative when I write something that actually captures what I was experiencing at the time. This time, I will also not share what's going on in my life. I will, however, share an awesome link to another blog post which shares some opinions I agree with. I value beauty just like everyone. This is proven by me wearing makeup, doing my hair, painting my nails, generally desiring to look beautiful. However...I am a little less than impressed with the fact that beauty=value. That is why I loved this link:

http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

I do have to say, I also loved the Dove video and was very happy to see women describe other women in a positive way. I kind of hate when women turn on each other. We should really be each other's biggest supporters because I get way more nervous about another woman's approval than I do a man's. I could be the odd one out on that one...but I doubt it.

Hopefully I will write soon with some original thoughts and experiences!

There is no answer

I got the wonderful opportunity to visit Zurich on my way home from R&R yesterday. Standing on the shores of Lake Zurich looking out to snow peaked mountains and beautiful homes I was happy. Switzerland seems like a generally happy place. I didn't have much time to be there, just a few hours, but I was happy I got to see a new place.
While I was there, I got a little time to look at the beautiful scenery and ponder some things. The question I kept coming back to was, "Why?" Why do people do what they do? Why did they have to do it the way they did? Why? After every pondering, this is the question my brain ended with. I let me my mind roll over it several times before I realized, there is never a real answer for why. Someone can tell you what they think or feel but maybe that isn't the real why. Maybe no one really knows the exact why to explain what was done. Sometimes it's not even one person or a person, it just is. And that is the thought I ended with, the resolution I found; sometimes, everything just is. I think that's okay.