Since I've gotten to Tokyo my life has been filled with packing, moving, uncertainty and stress. Not the sort of stress that you might imagine, but the sort of stress that accompanies not having any clue what will happen next month. I feel like my life is better with a certain sort of stability like knowing I will be getting a paycheck next month. In the past two months my life has gotten much more stable with a job I enjoy and knowing my way around Tokyo better.
With everything settling a bit, I finally feel like my whole self is waking up from this weird numb survival mode. It's not as if before I was merely surviving because I definitely wasn't. It's just that before I didn't see things from a "this is my home" perspective. Everything felt oddly far away and I did things out of knowing I had to or should do those things. I am just now feeling like I want to do things that I would do somewhere I lived. A couple examples: start a regular Japanese class, go to a gym, go grocery shopping, get a phone with a monthly plan, and open a bank account. Before most of these things may have seemed hasty or unreasonable considering my situation, but now I know I'm staying here so I want a sense of normalcy. It's great :).
I finally finished this tv series I've been watching. It's actually a relief. Not sure that I've ever watched a tv show out of a sense of duty to finish. This show was a constant string of cheating couples and it was starting to get to me considering I was just told about a situation involving cheating recently.
It's shocking to me how deeply I'm affected by someone's bad relationship decisions that don't directly involve me. Watching the entire thing unfold has made me feel like no matter what, people are flawed. And even if you think you can trust someone else, they could always deceive you or leave you or decide to stop loving you. It's always their choice. Knowing that is so scary.
So, in reference to me seeking stability, I think I found a place to stay starting in March. Definitely stoked about that. Also found a couple places to do free Japanese lessons and I'm going to try and find these places tomorrow. I haven't looked into a gym yet...but once I have housing I think that'll be easier.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
WORD VOMIT!
I often neglect this blog because I feel like I have nothing of worth to put in it or I know I don't really want to put the energy into making what I have to say sound like it's of worth. But because I have neglected it for so long and am now convinced no one reads this anymore, I can write whatever I want without thinking about what someone may say.
The past week or so my mind has been on relationships. I've been dating someone for four months now and recently a good friend of mine has been telling me about her relationship issues. People can be so messed up sometimes and that is saying it politely. Not only are people messed up but when they get into a relationship all that mess slops onto the other person and then the other person doesn't know what to do with it, so they project it back and no one talks about what really needs to be talked about. There are so many different ways a relationship could go wrong and there is no predicting what will happen in any given situation. It's scary, risky, weird, and yes, also amazing.
I have always understood that relationships were full of wonderful things that were balanced out with difficult things. I have always understood this but never lived it. I have never had to deal with the reality of how delicate relationships can be. How two people can be living parallel to one another in completely different worlds and one day just crash and completely break each other. I get that people heal and "get over" things, but once your heart is given to someone, I think a piece of it will always stay with them and you can't really get over that. It just sucks. Sometimes relationships just suck. So far, my relationship has been going really well but I'm scared something will happen. I KNOW that I can deal with it if that happens and not to worry but I FEEL protective of my heart.
Without any transition whatsoever, it was supposed to snow today and did NOT. I was unhappy. It started to rain and I wanted to stop teaching and rant about the injustices of weather. Unfortunately, four year old's don't understand rants and can only connect with the injustices of not enough attention or sugar.
My brain is lazy. I am supposed to be studying Japanese or for the GRE or looking into the FSO test. Instead, I am watching The L Word so I can figure out who killed Jennifer Schecter and YES this show is super old. A part of me reminds myself of all the things I should be doing: look for an apartment, update my resume, apply for jobs closer to where I want to live, read the news, look at grad schools...and another part of me thinks I just don't feel like doing those things. LAZY!!! I'm sure I'll get over it.
To end, I have become increasingly intolerant of cheating. I think it is disgusting and even have trouble watching tv shows that contain cheating. Sometimes I even skip scenes in the L Word since that show is one long string of someone cheating on someone else. Cheating is stupid and breaks people. Don't do it.
The past week or so my mind has been on relationships. I've been dating someone for four months now and recently a good friend of mine has been telling me about her relationship issues. People can be so messed up sometimes and that is saying it politely. Not only are people messed up but when they get into a relationship all that mess slops onto the other person and then the other person doesn't know what to do with it, so they project it back and no one talks about what really needs to be talked about. There are so many different ways a relationship could go wrong and there is no predicting what will happen in any given situation. It's scary, risky, weird, and yes, also amazing.
I have always understood that relationships were full of wonderful things that were balanced out with difficult things. I have always understood this but never lived it. I have never had to deal with the reality of how delicate relationships can be. How two people can be living parallel to one another in completely different worlds and one day just crash and completely break each other. I get that people heal and "get over" things, but once your heart is given to someone, I think a piece of it will always stay with them and you can't really get over that. It just sucks. Sometimes relationships just suck. So far, my relationship has been going really well but I'm scared something will happen. I KNOW that I can deal with it if that happens and not to worry but I FEEL protective of my heart.
Without any transition whatsoever, it was supposed to snow today and did NOT. I was unhappy. It started to rain and I wanted to stop teaching and rant about the injustices of weather. Unfortunately, four year old's don't understand rants and can only connect with the injustices of not enough attention or sugar.
My brain is lazy. I am supposed to be studying Japanese or for the GRE or looking into the FSO test. Instead, I am watching The L Word so I can figure out who killed Jennifer Schecter and YES this show is super old. A part of me reminds myself of all the things I should be doing: look for an apartment, update my resume, apply for jobs closer to where I want to live, read the news, look at grad schools...and another part of me thinks I just don't feel like doing those things. LAZY!!! I'm sure I'll get over it.
To end, I have become increasingly intolerant of cheating. I think it is disgusting and even have trouble watching tv shows that contain cheating. Sometimes I even skip scenes in the L Word since that show is one long string of someone cheating on someone else. Cheating is stupid and breaks people. Don't do it.
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