disconnected thoughts

I have this green notebook that I wrote in when I went to Niger/Nigeria for a month. I co-led the trip and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I found the notebook while I was moving a few months back and really wanted to read it, knowing that I had written a lot about what I was going through during the entire trip. I haven't read it yet, it seems too intimidating, kind of scary. It would probably be important at this point to add some perspective to why it may seem more scary to me now: I am thinking about the possibility of moving to Africa. The stay would be longer than a month but no more than one year.

There are times it feels like I am considering having a dream come true, living in Africa, and other times it feels like the timing is off. Then again, thinking back on every amazing thing I've done I can easily see the timing is usually "off" but ends up being perfect. Honestly, I often think about if I am ready to give up being comfortable in America to adjust to a different country, a country that would most likely not be comfortable for a lot of reasons. It's a very selfish thought but it is real. I also wonder if moving there would be my way of escaping where I am now.

There are a lot of questions.... Which is WHY I decided to not deeply explore any answers, apply for the job, and deal with things as they came. Not many companies in America are willing to hire me so I figure if this company wants to give me a chance maybe it's God telling me this is the right way. As I was editing my resume and writing a cover letter for the job I realized I have cultivated more experience for a job like this than any other job I have been applying for, as if I was moving towards this my whole life. That also felt scary.

I feel like lately there have been a lot of life decisions to make. When I was younger, these decisions seemed so easy. I knew what I wanted, I worked, and I got it. Now I feel like things are a bit cloudier, I'm not exactly sure what I want and there is much more at stake when I accept or chase certain opportunities.

I probably should read that notebook. I think it would help me remember why I feel so passionate about a continent I only spent a grand total of two months in my entire life. Remembering my passion would make the decision a lot easier.