January

A friend of mine recently asked me if I ever felt guilty when I was working in South Sudan. The implication being that I would feel guilty for...having a way out, a different life, the sort of life considered more comfortable. I don't think there's really an easy answer to that. Do I feel guilty....
I feel guilty for not doing more when I was there, for not dealing with things as they came up and for not taking care of myself better. I feel guilty for some of the decisions I made and mostly stupid for how inexperienced and terrible I was at times. I can feel guilty for those things but it seems so strange to feel guilty for where I was born and the life I have. There were moments when I remembered that the people I met and was trying to help really had no way out and I could fly out and leave at any time.
Whenever I was uncomfortable it was always quite clear that was temporary. I was not always going to live in a tent or exist on a diet of goat and rice. When I look back on the moments of guilt or start to feel them creep in my next thoughts are always, "What is the guilt doing? What purpose is it serving?" Guilt can be a selfish emotion, something we punish ourselves with to make up for the thing that brought on the guilt. I am not going to feel guilty because I have choices and freedoms that others don't but I will use my discomfort to motivate myself to work towards change.

But sometimes...I would rather hide.