The day the earth shifted

March 11 is only a few days away and it will mark one year since a tsunami and 9.0 earthquake struck the East coast of Japan. I know I was far enough south to be safe, but I cannot say I was far enough away to be completely unaffected. The past couple of days I have found myself thinking about that event a lot.

I know I will never forget it. It was a very warm, spring day. I was two weeks away from finishing my job at the pre-school and starting my job at the middle school. Lots of transition was going on and I was just beginning to feel like I was getting the hang of living in Japan. I had routines, friends, and I was even speaking and understanding Japanese enough to feel comfortable! I felt so optimistic about my future there and was hoping my upward trend would continue. It was the end of the school day, 2:45 pm, so all of our students were assembled into one room to wait for their parents. A few parents had already come to pick up their children, the other teacher's and I were waiting in the doorway to call for the child to gather their things as we saw their parents arrive. Dora the Explorer was playing on the tv. At 2:46 pm, in the middle of laughing with a co-teacher, we started to feel a little shaking. I remember thinking it felt larger than normal, but I told my co-worker it was no big deal anyways and just to wait it out. Of course, the students looked at us and we said it was okay, just stay sitting. There were no desks in that classroom and, luckily, the school was designed to always be close to the outdoors by being built in the midst of a bamboo forest. The shaking did not stop. Instead, it got increasingly more violent to the point that we decided it was safer to not be in our school anymore. The eraser board was slamming back and forth against the wall, a teacher ran to make sure the tv didn't fall on any students, and we scooped up children too scared to walk as we made our way to the playground.

Watching the building sway was absolutely surreal. I felt like my mind was videotaping it all the while thinking, "no way is this real." Everything shook. Even after the earthquake itself finished, everything continued to shake. I can remember thinking the Earth was furious with us for some reason. It actually felt like that Earth was so angry it shook and afterwards, it trembled. I know that a lot of people may not think this experience was traumatizing for me or maybe think it should not have been traumatizing, but I look back and still know it was horrible. Who do you turn to after something like that?

There are many things about that day I will never forget. Being one of the very few foreigners in my town never bothered me until the earthquake. I felt so lost and isolated, unable to understand most of the public messages being blared every few minutes throughout the town. I heard rumors of tsunami's but it wasn't until I went to a friend's apartment and saw live footage of the tsunami sweeping across Northeastern Japan that I understood exactly what everyone was talking about. I had no idea there was also a tsunami miles away from where I lived. While many seemed calm, others just looked as if they were waiting for something even worse to happen. I was so thankful for at least one friend who kept me company while aftershocks made sure the night was never still for more than a few minutes. Every foreigner I knew was making plans to go back home. If they weren't making plans to move, they were making plans to at least get as far south as they could. Looking back, I am glad I didn't let my emotions take over completely. If that had been the case, I would have found a flight home within a week or taken an offer to get on a government flight.

The entire experience was shocking. There is no other word for it. Whether anyone knew it or not, I had never felt like Japan was a home for me and this event put me over the edge of feeling like my time in Japan was finished. For a few weeks after the earthquake I was looking for reasons to either stay or leave. One week I would be convinced I should stay and then the next week I would think it was a good time to leave. After a series of unfortunate events involving someone I thought I could rely on turning on me, my bike getting stolen, and the chance that I'd have to move apartments presenting itself, I decided my time in Japan had indeed come to an end.

In the past I have relied quite heavily on intuition and how I feel about the future help me make decisions. Experiencing this disaster taught me that I could never predict what will happen and my emotions are a terrible indicator of anything to come. There are times intuition helps, but those times are usually laced with solid logic to back up that "feeling" one has. I thought my life was going awesome, so much better than the year before. I thought everything was finally working out, I was finally progressing and my plans would work. And then the Earth literally shifted.

I got angry for awhile. I felt like life was being so unfair. Then I started my new job at the middle school and found out some of the orphans from the tsunami were new students. I believe we had one student whose family moved to our town to start over and ove student was sent there with no family. I guess life had not been that unfair to me, I was still alive and my family was very safe back in America.

One thing I noticed about the Japanese throughout the entire crisis was the taboo nature of discussing your feelings. Everyone knew this disaster was horrible and stress expressed itself in physical ways, especially in children, but no one talked about how devastating it made them feel. I suppose feelings are irrelevant in situations like this, but I am sure this society norm of silence being forced on some traumatized children did not help their recovery. It was strange to me that it was almost as if the earthquake had never happened...except for the occasional earthquake alarm (indicating an approaching aftershock), helmets handed out for safety drills, and inspections of new cracks in the school building. I do remember a comical happening starting to become routine: I would be in the school office, which was a big room where all the teachers did lesson plans and other work, and suddenly hear an alarm screeching from someone's cell phone. Then, many Japanese teachers would stand up and go stand near the doorway leading outside or just look as if they were bracing themselves. The first time it happened I had no idea what was going on and if I was supposed to go somewhere or not. It was then explained to me that screeching was an earthquake alarm. It couldn't tell us how strong the quake would be, but it could tell us one had just happened close enough that we could expect to feel it. I started to hate that screeching sound and of course, heard it everywhere from then on.

There are so many things I could write about remembering March 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm and beyond. I know I had a great experience compared to so many who lived farther North. If you watch anything about what happened, this documentary is narrated by children. There is no better perspective to understand it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_AxnoNrr_8&context=C3043f09ADOEgsToPDskLs7TnOWlrtO6A6Hjz0VQJW

Conclusion

A friend once told me even if she got married she would still want to live in separate places. After much thought in study I have concluded: I agree.

Loving someone with a little distance involved makes things spicy and different. Surprises are easier and alone time is easier to find. It might sound a little selfish but in so many ways it seems less selfish if it's what is needed to add a little spark.

I love to work

I love to work. I don't hear a lot of people say this but I can honestly say I love to work. I love feeling like I accomplished something, helped someone, furthered my own financial cause (pay off debt!!), and completed a task. I love to learn, I love to help, I LOVE to work. The problem with this is: nobody wants me to work for them.

I think there could be an assortment of reasons for this, a different reason for every job that has rejected me. However, I can safely say a minimum of 50 jobs have rejected me since December. That's a lot. The one person they all have in common as an applicant being me...so what am I doing wrong? There has GOT to be something. The one thing about at least half of them that I cannot get past is: I am over qualified. WHY would they not want to hire someone that has MORE than enough experience and school for the job?!?!?! WHY?!?!?! And that might also be the problem. Maybe I should leave out that I have a Bachelor's and downgrade it to an Associate's degree to make people feel better.

Or MAYBE I am not friendly enough. I need to get out in the community and meet everyone until someone wants to give me a job.

This city is the worst city I have ever lived in. Hands down.

musings of the unemployed

Oh my, unemployment...we meet again!

I had a job but I quit. Normally I would not be quitting jobs so quickly when I have felt the pain of unemployment before, but this time...I just had to quit. It was actually a very hard decision and just as I felt like I was getting my financial life back on track, I took a steady paycheck out of the equation and it wasn't so on track anymore. Now I'm grappling with getting any job I can for any amount of income I can get and tracking down the job that is just right for me. I'm not sure that just right job exists in this so not right town.

This all leads me to thinking about that day I took the picture of Omar and that old man riding bikes. I had just returned from a trip to see my family back in America and Omar and I had decided to ride bikes in a town near Narita. We wanted to see something new and needed a little adventure. This old man befriended us on the bike trail and after he beckoned us to follow him he led us to his house to share homemade liquor and strange stories in broken Japanese. He did not know a single word of English. It sounds really creepy...especially if I add details like his birdcages filled with beetles and no trace of an indoor toilet...but at the time it was so magical! Days like that helped me believe life was so full of surprises and God was active in making sure I understood what joy could mean on a daily basis. I need a day like that. It was a silly day but worry was absent so it was a good day.

I know I took a risk moving to North Carolina, especially to a city where opportunity is lacking, but the hope is with the risk will come reward. I need to GROW in whatever way this city can offer. For now, maybe I will just take whatever job I can.

Barbeque

Right before I graduated college I was introduced to an awesome band by a hippy friend of mine. They are called Animal Liberation Orchestra. I have no idea why they are called this and I never researched it, I just found myself drawn in by a song they have called, "Barbeque". SUCH a great song. It's about realizing that dreaming does not equal living your dream and it's okay to destroy old dreams, dream new dreams, and not let life get you down with it's winding roads and detours--that's all part of it! The reason I'm telling this paragraph long story in the beginning of an entry: this song is exactly what I'm learning now.

Life can seem really hard and ridiculous sometimes and other times it seems so ridiculously easy. I'm in the seemingly hard and ridiculous stage at the moment. I foolishly thought it would be easy to transition back into American life since I had transitioned into Asian life...and forgot how difficult THAT was. Moving back to your home country and realizing your worth (as far as human capital goes) has drastically dropped since you last resided there is really depressing. I've been much too slowly realizing that it is time to re-evaluate where I see myself in five years and how I can aggressively work my way into that position. Which means I need to barbeque those old dreams an dream up some new dreams!

I also need to figure out how to resize my photo so you don't have to scroll down to see my entries.

...do I live??

Based on my lack of activity, I don't live at all! I've been dormant for months but lately I've been feeling that I should start this blog back up. Although, after looking at it, I think I need to re-think the design and make it more interesting. Even if this is just a place to write about life I want it to be fun to read and look at (like life itself)!

To get this blog up to speed on life lately all I can really say is I have been going through an intense series of pros and cons. Trying to realize the balance in everyday life. Any situation will bring pros and cons, my job in life lately has been realizing this and searching for the opportunities.

I'm adjusting to small town American life and I can't say it's for me but my journey has just begun! I still dream of earthquakes sometimes but the dreams are rare now and I'm not anxious. *sigh of relief*

SO...on a happier note, some things I have discovered/re-discovered....

Ever since I stopped biting my nails two years ago I have never left them unpolished/done. I

FINALLY picked up some of Sally Hansen Salon Effects nail color. It is so easy to use and gives your nails a design you would otherwise not be able to do in the amount of time it takes to stick these on! I think it's fun. Definitely worth a try.

They come in patterns like what you see on the left but you can also get solid colors. I was afraid they would peel off or chip quickly but as far as I can tell, they work just like nail polish and you remove them with nail polish remover. They're a fun alternative to nail polish and I can do patterns!

I found my strengths finder book! I finally got to unpack all the boxes I packed up so I could move to Asia and I found this little gem with my top five strengths stuck to the cover. :) VERY fun to look back and re-read this book. I originally got this book after feeling a bit lost after graduating University. I think it actually helped me see myself and realize what my strengths were good for. In any case, it's fun to read and realize how to use whatever strengths come out on top.

Even if small town life isn't for me, I know I can learn a lot here and hopefully keep up with this blog...for once. Even if no one reads this I do enjoy looking back on it and seeing how I've grown. 2012 will be an exciting year!

Irwin inspiration

When I was eighth grade I wanted to be a herpetologist. That is also known as a zoologist specializing in reptiles. Around this time I discovered the amazing Steve Irwin. Never had I seen a man SO passionate about what he did that he wanted the entire world to learn more about it and would risk his life for his passion. I thought it was beautiful and I was only 13.

I think that was one of my first encounters with passion. Beautiful passion. The kind of passion that is infectious and pure. I think passion is difficult for others to understand. I remember people saying that Irwin was crazy, illogical, ridiculous, and even that he put his children in danger for his passion. But...Irwin never saw it that way. I really admired that. I'm not sure he ever went a day without doing what he absolutely loved. Do I do that? More importantly, do I know what I love? Or, have I allowed the pressures of what I "should" be doing shape my life? I'm not sure.

When I first started dating Omar, I would get angry, sad, whatever emotion and tell him I didn't know why I was angry, sad, or whatever emotion. He would always say back that I did know and I needed to tell him. Turns out he was right and I did always know but I guess I just didn't want to think about it. I think following my passion is the same. Of course I know what I love and what makes me feel alive, I just probably don't want to think about and perceive it easier to just go along with what is expected of me. Even though...I could probably follow my passion AND do what is expected of me.

I don't want to give into pressures anymore. I want to live everyday with passion and doing what I love. I want to feel alive. Alive meaning the way you feel when you know you are doing what you were meant for in that moment and contributing to the world. The best feeling.

Really though, I think getting there takes more than a day. But everyday is closer!