Desiring justification

Oh goodness, the journey continues. And so far, Japan wins for the CRAZIEST journey. I got fired. Yes, I know...shocking. I don't get fired, I don't even get verbal warnings. I do my job and for my whole life I have always done whatever job I had well. This time I made the mistake of trusting an absolutely crazy man with my job security. It obviously failed. I'm not going to go into detail about all that happened or try and explain it at all, really. I just want to say, I know that I did my best for that man and his family and have to accept that some people's poor management skill will lead to their own dissatisfaction. The only few good things that came out of it were meeting a new friend who also worked for him (and also got fired at the same time), once I stopped working for him I could have a life again, job hunt WAY more, see my friends more often, explore Tokyo, experience Japan in a real way and not just from his bitter, cynical viewpoint. The freedom was amazing.
I had been struggling with the decision to quit my nanny job for a couple weeks, (and yes, I only worked there 3 weeks), and felt huge relief when he asked me to leave. It was scary because I didn't know what I would do next, but I knew anything was better than staying in that house with him. I know for sure I never would have left that house unless I had found a full time teaching position. I would have stayed unhappy so it didn't look like I was quitting. Although, through it all I couldn't help but feel the universe had cheated me. It had tricked me into thinking I was getting a good transition job and it ended being a worse experience than my Korean boss. Even now I feel like my past two jobs deserve some sort of justification, something to make up for what I had to go through, (and yes I realize it could have been worse. But most things in life could be worse, that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy and just accept it).
NOW I live in Urawa at a hostel type place where I teach for housing. It's actually a convenient location, chill people, relaxed teaching, and overall, not a bad gig post crazy-man. Honestly, this whole experience up to now has taught me more about trusting God has me in His hands than anything else. I'm in the process of 4 interviews and a pre-screen for one school in the Tokyo area. I'm hoping at least one of these leads to an actual job and I am still applying for more jobs. And honestly, all of these things opened up AFTER I left his house. I really don't think I was supposed to be there to begin with and should have left when I had the feeling that was the wrong place for me. I'm extremely confident that something in or around Tokyo WILL work out, but as often happen with me, it will be last minute and slightly stressful.
I love being in Tokyo. Exploring, learning the language, meeting people, spending time with people I already know here; it all makes me feel SO HAPPY again. I climbed Mt. Takao the other day and met two Japanese guys. They climbed the mountain with me and my friend and then went out to eat/drink with us afterward. They were so much fun and taught us some Japanese while we taught them some English. Recently, me and my friend accidentally took the wrong train home and ended up at Tokyo station. Neither of us has any idea how it happened and it was too late to get another train back home. While stuck in Tokyo, we met a Brazilian guy and his Japanese girlfriend who could both speak fluent English. They helped us and seemed like super chill people to hang out with. It's encounters like those that make me want to stay here so bad. Just chance meetings with people that make the experience so much better.
So I am hoping and praying the hard work of applying, interviewing and networking all pays off and I can stay here. SO hoping and praying. Because for the first time in awhile, I am happy and feel joy on a daily basis.

atarashi

A new city, a new job, a new currency, a new language, new people, new relationships...a new life. I am starting over, yet again. In many ways it feels as if I am starting over for the first time but I know that I've done it before. Familiar feelings and reactions crop up and I am reminded this isn't a completely unknown experience.
Tokyo is a big city and one that I hope I have more time to explore. As of now, I am an au pair to a single father in his 50's. He has a live in Japanese girlfriend who helps him a lot, but since he does no housework and doesn't seem to possess the patience needed to raise 3 boys ages 5, 7, and 14, he needs more help than just her. He's extremely non-confrontational except for his underhanded "why aren't you reading my mind" sort of comments. For example, if he feels like the kids should be doing something that they are not doing, like eating dinner with him even though he never said he was going to eat and they ate earlier because they were hungry, he will continuously make comments like, "so I guess I'm eating alone. Well, this is lonely. I didn't know family dinners were so lonely." I personally wasn't aware that I was expected to wait until 8 pm for him to crawl out of his room so I could feed his 5 and 7 yr old sons dinner before their 8:30 bath. I have a lot of different thoughts about how children should be raised than him. It's an experience trying to navigate my way through his expectations and my reality. He is an exhausting man and I cannot wait to start teaching again. Silver lining: he has an oven and I have turned into a baking maniac. I can't stop. It's been too long since I've had an oven.
Even though my job is less than desirable at this point, it is only temporary and that was the understanding from the beginning. Everything else is wonderful. I love the people here, I am enjoying learning Japanese, the relationships I have here are fantastic, and exploring is FUN. Also, he hired a second au pair and she is from France. It is seriously so great having someone to work with that I can talk and relate to. We're learning Japanese together and in the process, I am also learning french. It's an interesting life!
I hope I find a teaching job in the next two months so I can stay here, otherwise my visa expires. :( I feel I have too many important things to figure out here before I go, two months isn't long enough. Even though lately I have been missing Korea, I know I am only missing familiarity and security. Soon, I will have that here, too.

Moray odeeyae?

I can't believe I haven't updated in two months...but time ran away from me. A lot has changed since then, so maybe a bullet point update would be best.

• I got a job au pairing in Tokyo. Sounds like a great deal and is definitely a perfect way for me to introduce myself to the city and figure out exactly what I want to do there and how I will do it. It's a single dad with 3 sons ages 6, 8, and 14. He has already been really awesome about talking to me about finding a teaching job and other options that I have there. He owns an art gallery and mainly needs help with organizing things.
• I have never had issues with leaving anywhere in my life and have never really cried because I was leaving a place, but I cannot stop crying when I think about leaving here. I feel like so much happened in one year and for me it was an intense experience. Honestly, the tears are a mixture of sadness, happiness, relief, and disbelief. It feels like a release of everything negative that I didn't let myself process just turning into liquid and coming out of my eyes.
• I got two new co workers that are great. I wish they would have come to Korea sooner so I could get to know them better.
• One of my students taught me a really cool new phrase. We were talking about nicknames and hers had something to do with food. She said that she had a beggar in her stomach meaning she ate a lot, like her stomach was always begging for food. I LOVED it and still do. So now when I'm hungry all day (which is often) I say my stomach is a beggar. For some reason, I am wildly amused by this.
• This is my LAST SUNDAY in Cheonan.
• I'm really thankful for the people that I had in my life this past year. While my boss made some things difficult, my friends made life fun. I learned so much, grew, and worked through a lot with them. More than I probably know.

My next entry will probably be from Tokyo. This life is crazy, it takes you places you would never predict. I love it.

Silver linings only exist because of the grossness they line

While walking home from my gym last night I got to thinking about differences. The differences between waiting and laziness, expecting and stupidity, faith and ignorance...so many thin lines that we are never really taught how to distinguish between. And really, you may have extremely strong faith that to many people LOOKS like ignorance but isn't. But how can you tell? How do you know when to keep pressing forward and when to find a different way? How do some people find these amazing opportunities and others flounder around for years? Who decides what people deserve and what they don't? I decided a long time ago that life is anything but fair. Opportunity doesn't seek out those most worthy, it seems like it just happens whenever it wants and whoever is around can take advantage. I am still trying so hard to be optimistic, I really am. I hate that the pessimism and negativity come out here, but that is what my life is right now. As always though, there IS a silver lining.
I was told a wonderful story about a bowl of jelly the other morning. Yeah, a bowl of jelly. Basically the story ended with: If God can provide them with a bowl of jelly, he can provide you with the perfect next step. I know that God is more than able, I believe my steps are ordered, I KNOW God can take care of me. I do wonder though if I am doing something to get in His way, I wonder if maybe I'm just not listening or not doing what I'm supposed to.
Another silver lining: this year I have learned more about the reality of people than I ever thought I would. True motivation, deception, culture, negotiation, blackmail, and consideration. One day I'll sort through it all, but it has definitely given me a fresh perspective that will help me the rest of my life for sure.

Sunday with Buddha

It's Sunday night and my apartment feels like an armpit. If you don't know what an armpit feels like, it's really humid and smells like clothes that won't dry. The smell is from my clothes that won't dry because it's humid, I don't have a dryer, and my laundry room is attached to my bedroom/living room/whatever room where I'm sitting now is supposed to be. That's my laundry room on the left with all the boxes on the floor that are now soaking wet due to sideways rain. I have also discovered that most mornings Korea smells like a wet dog. This is not the most attractive scent to associate with an entire country.

There's never that much to do on Sunday night but I always feel like the day is full. It didn't rain today and for Korea's three week rainy season, that is miraculous. Although, like I said before, all the rain makes Korea one giant armpit of nasty stickiness that refuses to leave your skin. SO I added to the grossness of it all by working up a sweat through climbing an obscene amount of stairs to see the largest sitting Buddha in Asia. In this picture you can't even see the end of the stairs...but it was a lot. To add to the experience, there were speakers in the woods next to the stairs that were playing Buddhist prayers. So I was climbing this massive amount of stairs, by myself, in sandals, in the sticky humidity listening to a creeper voice thanking Buddha for rain and love. It was an experience, to be sure.

I will say though, when I got to the top, it was pretty worth it.

The backdrop of the mountain against this huge Buddha and a temple just below was really pretty. It was also quiet and smelled clean, a rare thing in Korea. I think that's why I like temples here, they are generally away from the city so they are quiet and smell nice.
I found the nicest monk, too. I guess that all monks are probably really kind, but this one pointed out things he thought were pretty that I should take pictures of. I appreciated it, took the pictures and held back laughing in case he took it the wrong way. He even found a really nice bench for me to sit on.

This is a picture of the flower he wanted me to take a picture of. He beckoned me after he showed me where the water was (to be fair I was sweating and probably looked like I needed water, so I appreciated him pointing that out to me). Then, he pointed to this flower and said, "Ippoyo. Handpone" which means, "Beautiful. Cell phone." The cell phone part meaning he wanted me to take a picture of it. I thought it was a bit odd, bit was amused so I took a picture. I was about to walk away when he beckoned me again from inside what looked like a classroom. He wanted to show me this little balcony where you could see trees and a little waterfall and there was a bench to sit on. THEN he walked down to the end of the balcony and asked me to follow him and showed me where there was this tree growing peaches. He was super proud of them. Or maybe they were plums...either way, he was so glad to show me the pretty things he saw in nature and I really appreciated him doing that even though there was a language barrier.

Here we see my favorite monk taking a very important phone call in the classroom/learning center/church ish place. I honestly have no idea what it was, but it was right outside the Buddha. I was also very amused by him talking on a cell phone. I guess I still have the stereotype monk meditating day and night. I don't really think about monks on cell phones.

As you can tell, I have discovered adding pictures to my blog and thoroughly enjoyed intertwining the story of my temple adventure with the pics. I'm sure there will be more to come.

I've done it once and I can do it again

Every night I have this new routine: do something to get me closer to moving to Tokyo. Japan is a tough job market, even for teachers. Another thing that has been a part of this routine has been the inability to fall asleep. Yes, my friends, insomnia. I think there are a lot of reasons for it but I feel the biggest reason is stress. I’m not normally a stressed out person but I guess things are stacking up.
So here is a short story about faith, insomnia, and peace. How those go together I don’t really know but here’s the story anyways. The other night I was applying for jobs and was actually starting to feel sleepy. This is a first in a long time. I think it’s the first time I’ve felt sleepy and not just tired since I’ve been back (maybe 5 weeks, then?). I tried to go to sleep but it was just not working out which led me to start getting really frustrated. I just felt like everything was not working out. Keep in mind I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks and I’m unhappy with a few things right now so I guess I was kind of pouting. Then I remembered something, my steps are ordered. I remembered a time when I was co-leader for a trip to West Africa and my co-leader was praying for me. Afterwards, he reminded me that my steps were ordered and not to worry about the future like I do because it wasn’t something to worry about. After this memory, I felt peace. I know that I still have to work hard, explore every opportunity, apply for as many jobs as I can find; but it’s okay. My step was slightly springier the next day and I slept decent.
This is next part is only semi related to the above, but since this isn’t an essay or anything I don’t need to have nice transitions. I will say though that by not writing transitions, I feel like a really awful writer. I think of it this way though, if the blog’s purpose if for you to know what’s going on in my life, what better way to hear it than the way I think it? I know, good theory. Today I played the what-if game. I’m kind of obsessed with it and it helps me feel better about most decisions. The way to play is think of something you are about to do and then think of the craziest/worst thing that could happen as an outcome. Great game. Also a kinda scary game and the only time I wasn’t happy that I played was when I got my tattoo. Anyways, I played that game about Japan and realized even if it doesn’t work out, everything will still work out. I realize that is a really unclear statement, but I’m sure you can put it together.
I have to remind myself often that what I hate about my job isn’t my job, it’s my boss. It’s really awful, but I can’t even look at him. Literally. When he goes by, I look away. We do not speak at work, not at all. Today I realized that sometimes my stress and anger with my boss comes out with my students and it made me very unhappy for realize. I like teaching, I like playing with them, challenging them, showing them how to learn. I feel awful for getting impatient, frustrated, not allowing them to explore. Now I realize I have to make a conscious effort to show them love, kindness, and provide a creative atmosphere for them to learn. Yeah, I sound kinda like a hippy, but I really believe it’s good for them to have a creative atmosphere. And I’ll stop there and not go in depth with my teaching philosophies. I just want them to know they are not their grade, they can explore and be wrong and it’s okay. Sometimes learning is about mistakes.
Everyday I find myself trying really, really hard to see the good in everything. I know there’s good. The most difficult part about feeling sad or frustrated is I’m not really sure I know how to handle it for long periods of time. I want to change it, but I really don’t know how. I know my life is not a very difficult thing by any measure, but I am still glad to have my family and friends to support me when I feel knocked down by it all. And when I say glad I mean that I do really think that if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t make it.

Life is not all joy

What we deserve and what we settle for. It seems like life really wants me to learn this lesson right now. The things I have in my life right now are the things I settled for but that doesn’t mean they are the things I deserve. I accept that and can admit that while some things are awful, other things are great. I’m hoping to soon make the awful things ALSO great things and keep the great, then I really can’t imagine what life will feel like. All that aside, I saw something today that absolutely disgusted me and also made me remember the saying, “we get what we settle for.” I was teaching my last class of the day and we finished early. They had actually been really good (sometimes they’re little shits) and so instead of reviewing we free talked. They still had to speak English, but we weren’t really talking about anything in particular and there were only 15 minutes of class left anyways. My boss comes in and gives them some fried squid left over from that morning and leaves. Five minutes later I hear YELLING. This isn’t uncommon, my boss has a really intense temper but usually he can scream it out in 10 minutes or so. Also, there were three classes going on at the time so I figured this was just another passing tantrum. It lasted awhile, then I heard his wife speaking Korean, then I heard him yell some more, then he threw some stuff, then he threw large things up against the wall of my classroom (I actually think he threw HER up against the wall of my classroom since the whole thing shook), then he yelled more, then he threw more stuff, then she talked, then he slapped her, and I think it stopped then. If I remember correctly, he went into his office and slammed the door. Obviously, at this point my students aren’t studying. They can’t even hear me because of all the yelling and it’s very distracting since my boss and his wife were fighting like this right outside my door. But once his office door slammed I figured that was it. One of my students, a girl, told me she was scared. I told her she shouldn’t be scared, she should be angry. I asked her if she thought it was okay that he did that and she said no. I told her she was right and that she should NEVER let a man treat her that way. She just nodded. There was thankfully only five minutes left of class so I didn’t have to fill too much awkward time. I was so angry that my boss thought doing something like that was okay, especially with children around and in a workplace. Ridiculous. Class lets out and I punch out. As I’m punching out he starts in on his wife again except this time he is yelling and throwing things simultaneously and with me 2 feet away. There was also 2 other teachers very nearby and one teacher had to kind of skip out of the way. I pressed the button for the elevator and it was then that he got SO angry that he started throwing glass at her. Coffee cups to be specific…not sure if it was the coffeepot too since I wasn’t at the right angle to observe. A Korean teacher then told us we really had to leave, even though we WERE leaving and just waiting for the elevator. I was really upset by this for obvious reasons. Besides the fact that he is abusive to his wife, I LEFT without doing anything. I had no idea what to do. The Korean teacher than left with us said that the police wouldn’t have done anything and if I would have stayed he probably would have hurt me too, but I still felt guilty for just walking away. I was disgusted that my boss felt he was within his rights to treat her that way. That is how you treat a dog. And in America, you can’t even treat a dog that way. Here is where the story gets even worse.I walked most of the way home with two other teachers and we talked about what we just saw. Our conversation wandered to some other shady business going on such as my co worker not having health insurance but has already been employed 4 months. She’s really angry about this and my boss’s wife was supposed to take care of it yesterday but didn’t. Once she found this out and a few other things she said something to the effect that my boss’s wife deserved what she got today. I nearly snapped. No woman deserves abuse from her husband, no matter how forgetful or bitchy that woman happens to be. She kinda took it back when she realized I did not agree even a little bit with her comment, and I know she said it out of anger about how she is being treated but not having health insurance does not justify domestic violence. That’s on par with saying rape is justified by the victim’s clothing. There you go. I don’t really think my boss’s wife deserves to be treated as she is. I think she needs to leave my boss or get the police involved or something. But…she is accepting it. I deserve a better job than what I have now, but I accept what I have now. The difference there is I am accepting it until I find that better job. It seems we can always accept the present if we know there is some sort of brighter future.