Are we really helping?

*sigh* I could not kill a goat. I didn't even really try. I was really going to, I was pumped about it, so ready to kill that goat and appreciate my food. The morning of the party I walked to the bathroom and there, laying in the path, was one of the goats. We had bought three to be slaughtered and eaten. It was just sleeping on the path to the bathroom. I looked to the right and there was another goat just standing there, tied to a tree. This goat wouldn't even lift it's head to look at me. I looked to the left and that goat was totally oblivious that death was near and was eating some unidentified object totally happily. I probably would have killed that goat. The other two though....they looked so sad. As if they KNEW they were about to die. I decided then that there was no way I would be the one to kill them. I avoided the goats all day until I heard them start to make lots of noise and then no noise at all. This was one of the only times in my life I considered becoming a vegetarian. I unconsidered it when I started smelling the goat being grilled, it was a fantastic smell. I was so hungry, I wandered over to the grill and got a piece of goat and completely appreciated the sacrifice of the goat's life as I ate the meat. It was soooooo good. They really know how to grill their goats around here.

I finally got to see a food distribution. I have been meaning to see one and have just never had time to go. It was a pretty cool thing to see. The stack up the food in front of the warehouses and give it out to groups of people as they punch families ration cards. The groups then divide up the food among the families. Cool system. It seems to work well and I am obviously leaving out tons of details but in short, it was really cool to see something being done. A lot of my job so far has been figuring out how things should go or helping our staff but I haven't gotten to do much to help people. At the food distribution, I got to see our team helping people in the form of food aid. Then again...are we helping?

I've been thinking about the question for awhile now, are we helping? Is the assistance we give the refugees really helping, or are we helping to fuel the conflict? Helping them become dependent on us? Arrogantly believing we are really doing any good at all when we are not? I really don't know. I think there are probably many different opinion on this, just like every other issue, I just have not figured out what my opinion is. I just kept wondering, as I was watching people walk away with sacks of Sorghum on their heads, what did refugees do before NGO's existed? There has always been conflict, how did the victim's of conflict's past survive without food assistance? Did they survive? Our aid doesn't help groups solve conflict and doesn't help people get over tribalism, so what did they do in the past when there was a "humanitarian crisis?" Who decided it was a good idea to give millions of dollars to feed people? I know on the surface it seems like such a simple thing: people are starving, give them food. It really isn't that simple though, it is much more complex. This simply complex question has been rolling around my head for the past couple of weeks. If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to share.

I finally went for a morning run a couple days ago to cure my lardish feeling. It was amazing but I'm not sure how consistent I can be with it.

In addition to feeling bad about killing a goat, I just found a sizable spider on my suitcase...pretty sure I brushed it with my hand, and I even felt bad killing THAT! What is wrong with me?! I felt bad because the spider wasn't aggressive, it was very timid. I wanted to try and put it outside but honestly didn't know how to accomplish that and it was really big so I didn't want it to bite me. So I squished it. And then I wanted to apologize to it. I should probably get over this hyper sensitivity to death.

Sentences are hard

I've been having really disconnected thoughts lately and haven't been able to form sentences well today so....I think this post will be in bullet points. The bullet points probably won't be related. I'll do my best.

• Lately, whenever a bug bites me I am pretty sure I just contracted a disease. Because of this, I am super jumpy and look like a scared little girl everywhere I go. It makes people laugh but I also know they are judging me. I don't like this.
• My feet got ridiculously muddy yesterday. Solution? Paint my toes today so that if they get muddy in the future, I can't really tell how dirty they are. I'm not sure if this can actually be counted as a solution...but I've been in a lot of denial lately.
• I have been feeling really sad lately. I'm not sure who I can actually tell about this besides my friends back in America since I don't want people here thinking I want to give up. I don't want to give up, I just want to talk about being sad. Not sure how to deal with this one.
• We got some goats today and since I like to eat goat, I'm thinking I should kill one. Just to understand where my food comes from. Don't worry, I will post pictures on facebook.
• I love and hate it here all at once. Actually, I experience those emotions at different moments but sometimes in the same hour. I love when I can understand someone but I hate when I can't. OR when people laugh at me...I really hate that. I don't know why they are laughing. I just know that I am always being watched because I'm different. I'm getting very annoyed with this despite knowing it cannot be avoided.
• I feel so guilty knowing I will not be home when someone I love gets there. I wish I didn't feel guilty but I feel like maybe I ruined it. And maybe I did.
• I am having a hard time understanding why things are how they are. Why do people need more than one wife? Why would someone hate another person because they look different? Why is war a solution? Why hasn't anyone built ROADS here?! The questions of life.
• Sometimes, when I speak, I find myself saying words I don't even think or believe. That is frustrating. And everyone knows, once the word vomit starts...it is hard to stop.
• I feel like a lard.
• I think love is a difficult thing. It makes people feel amazing, like life will never get any better. There is no feeling like it. It also makes people feel horrible, like a part of them is missing when they can't be with someone they love. I think it can be the best and worst thing in the world.

These are some random Sunday thoughts. Sorry this isn't really an update. I would say nothing has happened but of course things have happened. There wasn't enough food to distribute, there were crazy amounts of bugs, we got an awesome visitor...but those aren't things I particularly cared to write about. Maybe next time. 

Lesson's Learned

There are so many lessons for me to learn here. Just starting out, it's really hard to tell what is normal and what is not. It's even more difficult when people are looking to you with help in making decisions.

One thing that has been really difficult is getting accurate information. Classic example: Someone calls me to tell me they have a certain thing I had requested to come to my town. They literally say they have this thing in their hands. Great. Their co worker calls back and asks ME how much it weighs (so they can record how much weight is on the plane). I obviously don't know and ask why they didn't weigh it. Apparently, it is already at the airport. Okay. I get an email the next morning saying the item never got on the plane because it arrived too late. It's confusing that it arrived "too late" because they said it was at the airport. Turns out, this person didn't actually have the item in his hands when they said they did and the item never actually went to the airport. So they said these things....because...??? I am often confused.

Another thing is people here are always trying to get more than you told them they could have. Example: We had given permission for four people from an important partner to ride on our plane back to the capital. They show up, I ask them who will be flying, they give me four names. Awesome. We have nine people total flying out that day so we have nine seats. It comes time to load passengers so everyone gets on...and we are short one seat. Hmmm....someone has more people than they said they were bringing. Turns out this important partner thought they could just have another person fly even though they never told us AND didn't even ask when I asked them who was flying that day. I kicked them off the flight. I was not happy. This is apparently very common, they think they can just demand things and those things will be given. It makes it difficult to feel merciful sometimes.

And then there are the police. I love them because I think their job is so essential. I hate them because you're never really sure they are doing their job. I understand there needs to be laws and punishments for breaking these laws. However, it would be great if everyone actually knew what the punishment should be and for what violation instead of people just making it up. It's really hard to tell if they are just trying to get money for things or are actually enforcing a law. Since I never know, I just kind of avoid dealing with them or try to walk away when I can.

I still haven't seen a birth but really really want to! I'm getting annoyed at being called a kawaja all the time. I wish everyone knew my name so they could call me that.

Babt Steps

This week has been a little crazy. I write this knowing full well every week will be a little crazy. The person who was training me on how to do my job left for R&R and I was left with the task of doing my job...which I honestly felt very confused about. I don't fault the person who left, though, since they definitely deserved to take their R&R.Slowly I am understanding how to do what I need to do but it is slow. I'm not the most patient person, especially when it comes to myself, so it's kind of sucked. If I can be blunt and not eloquent.

I'm the kind of person who really likes to know what's expected of them and then do my best to meet or exceed expectation. Here...I don't have a clear idea of expectations. I am a firm believer that disappointment comes form unmet expectations and I really hate to be a disappointment. It's even more tricky because the person who may be considered my supervisor, also left for R&R. Hmmm....so I think these next two weeks (that's how long R&R is) will be about me understanding where I am and how things work. SO much unknown! I know a lot of it will be me jumping in, asking tons and tons of questions, and making mistakes. Even though I have "making mistakes" as part of my blog title, I hate to do it. It's part of life though, I should embrace it. :)

I haven't been able to have much interaction with the community this week since I've been pretty absorbed with figuring things out so I don't have many stories. I did try and watch a birth but that didn't work out. It was her first baby so the delivery took longer and she didn't end up delivering until around 2 am...and I was asleep by then. I will see one soon, though!

I taught one of the new midwives how to play angry birds on my phone and they loved it! That was funny to see. The area I'm in loves their pigs and is known for raising them. The game is all about killing pigs and it was pretty funny to see this guy playing the game and saying, "ugh, the pig won't die! I gotta kill this pig!" That's kinda how I feel every time we are driving and a tiny pig just casually saunters in front of our car and we have to wait for it or find a way around. Those pigs are annoying. I know it sounds easy to just go around the pig but it's really not. Especially if it's rained recently, the roads are nearly impossible and going around a pig can mean getting stuck. Not. Cool. Pig.

I met all our cooks recently and they kept asking me where my husband was. I told them multiple times that I didn't have one but they couldn't accept this answer. They decided they were probably using the wrong word and started asking me where my father was, I told them he was in America and this made sense to them. I still can't decide if they think I'm married or not. I should learn more Arabic and figure it out.

This week I'm going to try and go see a food distribution. I've never seen one before and am really curious how it works. Hopefully this week all the baby steps towards understanding my job add up!