Life is not all joy

What we deserve and what we settle for. It seems like life really wants me to learn this lesson right now. The things I have in my life right now are the things I settled for but that doesn’t mean they are the things I deserve. I accept that and can admit that while some things are awful, other things are great. I’m hoping to soon make the awful things ALSO great things and keep the great, then I really can’t imagine what life will feel like. All that aside, I saw something today that absolutely disgusted me and also made me remember the saying, “we get what we settle for.” I was teaching my last class of the day and we finished early. They had actually been really good (sometimes they’re little shits) and so instead of reviewing we free talked. They still had to speak English, but we weren’t really talking about anything in particular and there were only 15 minutes of class left anyways. My boss comes in and gives them some fried squid left over from that morning and leaves. Five minutes later I hear YELLING. This isn’t uncommon, my boss has a really intense temper but usually he can scream it out in 10 minutes or so. Also, there were three classes going on at the time so I figured this was just another passing tantrum. It lasted awhile, then I heard his wife speaking Korean, then I heard him yell some more, then he threw some stuff, then he threw large things up against the wall of my classroom (I actually think he threw HER up against the wall of my classroom since the whole thing shook), then he yelled more, then he threw more stuff, then she talked, then he slapped her, and I think it stopped then. If I remember correctly, he went into his office and slammed the door. Obviously, at this point my students aren’t studying. They can’t even hear me because of all the yelling and it’s very distracting since my boss and his wife were fighting like this right outside my door. But once his office door slammed I figured that was it. One of my students, a girl, told me she was scared. I told her she shouldn’t be scared, she should be angry. I asked her if she thought it was okay that he did that and she said no. I told her she was right and that she should NEVER let a man treat her that way. She just nodded. There was thankfully only five minutes left of class so I didn’t have to fill too much awkward time. I was so angry that my boss thought doing something like that was okay, especially with children around and in a workplace. Ridiculous. Class lets out and I punch out. As I’m punching out he starts in on his wife again except this time he is yelling and throwing things simultaneously and with me 2 feet away. There was also 2 other teachers very nearby and one teacher had to kind of skip out of the way. I pressed the button for the elevator and it was then that he got SO angry that he started throwing glass at her. Coffee cups to be specific…not sure if it was the coffeepot too since I wasn’t at the right angle to observe. A Korean teacher then told us we really had to leave, even though we WERE leaving and just waiting for the elevator. I was really upset by this for obvious reasons. Besides the fact that he is abusive to his wife, I LEFT without doing anything. I had no idea what to do. The Korean teacher than left with us said that the police wouldn’t have done anything and if I would have stayed he probably would have hurt me too, but I still felt guilty for just walking away. I was disgusted that my boss felt he was within his rights to treat her that way. That is how you treat a dog. And in America, you can’t even treat a dog that way. Here is where the story gets even worse.I walked most of the way home with two other teachers and we talked about what we just saw. Our conversation wandered to some other shady business going on such as my co worker not having health insurance but has already been employed 4 months. She’s really angry about this and my boss’s wife was supposed to take care of it yesterday but didn’t. Once she found this out and a few other things she said something to the effect that my boss’s wife deserved what she got today. I nearly snapped. No woman deserves abuse from her husband, no matter how forgetful or bitchy that woman happens to be. She kinda took it back when she realized I did not agree even a little bit with her comment, and I know she said it out of anger about how she is being treated but not having health insurance does not justify domestic violence. That’s on par with saying rape is justified by the victim’s clothing. There you go. I don’t really think my boss’s wife deserves to be treated as she is. I think she needs to leave my boss or get the police involved or something. But…she is accepting it. I deserve a better job than what I have now, but I accept what I have now. The difference there is I am accepting it until I find that better job. It seems we can always accept the present if we know there is some sort of brighter future.

downgrading and game playing

Success. It’s something people can try their whole lives to find, something people will never find, something people give up trying to find, a thing that some never bother to define. I think the last one is the reason some people never find it: they never bothered to define it. So what is it? What is success? I guess it depends who you’re asking. I have a friend who told me success to him was raising a happy, healthy family. This included a good job with a happy marriage, of course. That was success to him and I hope he gets there. Success to others is lots and lots of money, stuff, a great job with tons of vacation, retiring early…it could be a lot of things. Sometimes I think about where I am now and compare it to where I thought I’d be. I now wonder why I thought I’d be a part of corporate America at 23; jonesing for a new car, a bigger house, a bigger salary, a resort infused vacation. The last few weeks have been rocky, really rocky. I’ve been really angry. The anger comes from frustration and the frustration comes from not being able to control certain things. You never realize how tight a grip you need in order to feel comfortable until you have nothing to grip. Despite this, I’m glad I’m here. I can learn to let go of the anger, work through the frustration and still see how beautiful life is. Still realize that while my road does not look like what I thought it would, it will still lead me to my definition of success. My road always was a little off with weird obstacles, I’m not sure why I thought it would ever change. In other non emotional news, it seems North Korea doesn’t want to bomb South Korea, they want to bomb Hawaii! I feel this is going a little too far for some food and aid, but I guess you do what you feel you need to. Who knows what’s going to happen with the North, but I really hope they change their foreign policy before the entire country starves. I am also noticing that people in America care much more about the aggressive North than South Korea does. No one here is taking a second look, this is pretty normal. Yeah, they think it’s scary that there’s so many threats going on, but it seems strange to be so scared of a country that has been relying on you for so long. I think it seems strange anyways. I’m just not seeing what the North has to bargain with.I moved again. This time I refused to do it so my boss came over with our bus driver and packed and moved everything in my apartment. I made a sandwich and watched them. I was really angry after it all though because my new apartment was DIRTY, missing light bulbs, without a stove, no air conditioner (I only point this out because my last apartment DID have one) and the gas wasn’t hooked up (no hot water). I didn’t realize the gas wasn’t hooked up until I had to take a shower. Good thing no one was living in my old apartment yet since I went there to take the shower instead. My boss has no concern for anyone but himself. Another instance is the air conditioner in my classroom. My classroom has no windows and it’s getting hot and humid in Korea. With 10 kids in a small space it gets really hot and humid. About a week ago, I notice my air conditioner isn’t making my room cold so I tell my boss. Of course he does nothing about it. Today I got frustrated with the lack of action and took all my students in the hallway because I was too hot and it was colder in the hallway. Of course this makes my boss mad and he wants an explanation so I tell him that the air conditioner is broke and I told him about it a week ago and he never fixed it. I made him feel stupid and he doesn’t like kids in the hallway, so he fixed it. Everything has to be his problem for him to do anything, absolutely ridiculous. These games are getting old.

Strawberry Swing

It’s Friday and I’m quarantined. It gives me too much time to think in a small space and makes me feel for those two journalists detained in North Korea. I’m quarantined because within 3 or 4 days of being back I started up flu like symptoms. Honestly, I feel sick. Not sure it’s swine flu…but we’ll see when those test results come back. They were supposed to be back tonight but they are NOT, so I guess it’s tomorrow.I just got back from America. My best friend is married…it’s crazy. My best friend is married, one of my other best friend’s is engaged and pregnant with her second child, and my other very close friend (who is basically me) lives in Russia. I will never tire of saying, ‘life is weird.’ I feel like in this blog I tend to stay away from how I feel about everything unless I’m angry. Also, I’ve gotten really behind. If anyone still reads this…sorry about that. I know that by deciding to live overseas I made a choice, a choice that is accompanied by some fallout. What I mean by that is when you go to live overseas you naturally lose touch with some people, naturally grow apart from others, and grow in a different direction than you would have back home. I knew this when I decided to leave but I had no idea what it would feel like. You don’t even realize it’s happened though, and there’s the rub. It’s like not realizing you lost your wallet until you reach for it and it’s not there. At first, you feel emotional and panicked, but after a few minutes you realize there’s not much to do anyways so you may as well chill out. I have never felt lonely in Korea until today. I realize that this is probably due in large part to the fact that I’m quarantined, but the feeling is still there. I was thinking about the life I chose and talking to a close friend of mine who lives in Russia. I told her that when you choose a life like this, you just have to accept this strange loneliness. You know there are people that love you very much, but you chose to live very far away from them so you have to deal with whatever you find where you end up. I’m not complaining, I know what I chose. Most of the time, I love it and would never choose a different life. But there are definitely times when I realize that the things I care about more than myself are very far away. In unrelated news, my co worker did a midnight run. If you don’t know what that is, it’s when an employee leaves the country they’re working in without any prior notification to their employer. My boss didn’t find out until 5 minutes after the first lesson started (there’s some good management for you). He called me pretty panicked. We had just been to the public health office on orders from a doctor to get me tested for swine flu. The office put me on quarantine and said I couldn’t go anywhere and my bosses last sentence to me when he called was, “You’re quarantined, right?” I’m not sure if he was asking if I was still around and not leaving without notice, or if he was trying to get me to work today. Either way, he was freaking out. I guess with all this free time I could figure out my life. Then again, what’s the rush? I’ve been saying I need to figure out my life for at LEAST a year now, what’s another day?

Never thought I'd write that as an objective

JUST finished a brand new version of my cover letter (specifically designed for education jobs overseas) and updated my resume. Whenever I finish something like that, I always feel especially cocky. I had to puff myself up considerably to write all those amazing things about myself but think it's a good sign that I feel so great about if afterwards. We'll see what sort of job I can get with what I've just written...I'm praying for the best.
I go to California in less than 3 weeks which is distracting. I know distracting is not the adjective anyone would expect, but it is just that. I love being overseas, it suits me. I think it's crazy exciting and even on"boring" days, I am still figuring out life overseas and that fact alone perks it up. Going back to a country I was born and raised in, understanding all the conversations around me, eating food I know the ingridients to...it's gonna be different. I am excited, though. No worries about that. It'll just be an old experience masquerading as a new one.
I can say "where is my head?" in Korean. For some reason, I thought this particular sentence was hilarious this morning. I got a mosquito bite in the palm of my right hand. No part of me thought that was hilarious. Currently on the phone with a loan payment company. Also not funny. Apparently, it's insulting to say to someone younger "how old are you?!" when you're angry. Gotta love Korean culture and the emphasis on age.

Sherbert fingers and happiness

Last weekend was absolutely beautiful weather. Because of this, I decided to go to one of the few attractions my city has called Independence Hall. It's this really awesome museum about Korean independence that is surrounded by a beautiful park area. While I was there, I stumbled upon this Korean group dressed in their traditional Korean clothes doing a drum/dance thing that was really cool to watch and reminded me of all the festivals at home with street performers. It made it feel like the beginning of summer :). I was the ONLY foreigner there though, so that got me a lot of stares. I usually don't notice the stares but I was by myself so it became really obvious. I feel like so far this entry is being written in really short choppy sentences, kind of like emo kids that write blogs like this:
"went the park.
you were there.
and I smiled."
Those sort of entries always irritated me just a little but since they're so vague and I'm not really sure what they're trying to say...anyways. ALSO while I was at Independence Hall, I got ice cream. Yes, I am still addicted to ice cream. AND they have this super cool ice cream here that has ice cream on the top and apple sherbert on the bottom! It's like two ice creams in one! Because of all the excitement over two ice creams I didn't think about a spoon. Also, the way the ice cream is, it looks like an ice cream cone in a plastic cup so you can lick it. So I'm wandering around this beautiful park, looking at the Mound of Reunification when I decide I want the sherbert and I'm sick of the ice cream...and realize I have no spoon. Me being the resourceful woman I am, I think, "I will use my fingers." So I scrape off the top part of ice cream onto the grass and start digging out the sherbert with my fingers. There was no one else around, so I didn't feel rude or weird, it was just me and the reunification mound. When I finished, I felt pretty satisfied with myself being able to eat the sherbert despite not having a spoon when I gave the cup a little shake. I heard a tapping coming from the bottom, noticed you could remove the bottom, and found a spoon. AWESOME. I hoped at that moment no Koreans had seen me using my fingers because they probably would have thought I was disgusting. And I felt like an idiot.
Just think, that is one story out of hundreds of situations that I regularly find myself in. Without sarcasm, I honestly and truly LOVE MY LIFE! I live a good one, no matter how many awkward times I tend to get into. :)
AND I can't forget to mention, my best friend is pregnant again! For some reason, knowing that she has the opportunity to raise another beautiful child fills my heart with happiness. I am truly happy for her and her family.

I got sick and suddenly enjoyed being a teacher

It has definitely been far too long since I updated this….two months! A lot has happened but it’s hard to say everything especially since I usually forget what I did most weekends by the time Monday comes around. I was recently very sick and that was a really horrible experience. Not necessarily because I was sick, but because of how my boss reacted to it. Here’s an email I wrote to a friend about it (because it seems wasteful to write it out again): I started getting sick on Friday but thought nothing of it because I was just suddenly EXHAUSTED and wasn't super sick, just very very tired and could feel it coming. Saturday and Sunday I basically slept...but still didn't think of it much because I could handle it (with over 12 hours of sleep/night). In Korea, they go to the doctor for EVERYTHING so every time it's suggested to me I kind of brush it off. I think in America we're pretty against the doctor because it often costs us a lot of money. Anyways, Monday was pretty bad and I was definitely sick at that point. Tuesday morning my boss had to take my co worker to the doctor because she had been puking for 4 days straight at that point (that day made 5) and his wife noticed I was still sick so suggested I also go to the doctor. At this point I was still convinced that it was a nothing cold so I said no. It progressed so rapidly throughout the day I was so convinced I would be dead by 9:05 (when I get off work). So, around 7 or 8 I begged my boss to take me to the doctor. He told me, "Okay, I'll take you tomorrow" And I was pissed so I said, ""Fine. I'll just go by myself then" I didn't, I ended up just going home. But this is how I went home: my last class is off studying for their school exams so I technically have no last class. BUT my boss and his wife don't like me having 50 minutes less of work a day, so they come up with stupid things for me to do that are not part of teaching. So I just started to leave without saying anything and my boss started to call me back when I gave him the glare of death and he let me go home...but I did have to kind of get it out of him. SO Wednesday (sorry, this is not the short version) I was really sick, like.....really. I get to work and ask him to take me to the doctor and he says, "Now? Ummmm.....pause.....all the doctors are on lunch break" He says this all without looking up from his computer (he has a habit of dirty chatting with women) and I stand there and say, "Um, seriously?" "Yeah, it's lunch time" So no doctor. He said he would take me the next day. My friend, I am not lying when I say to you that in no way should I have been working nonetheless working with CHILDREN. I was a mess. I couldn't focus, I was constantly blowing my nose, I looked as if I'd been crying all night and that day, it was really awful. I should have just taken a sick day....but we don't get sick days. Literally....as in we don't get them. I basically let most of my classes play games and then finally when i had one class left I stood in his office (my eyes barely open because they were swollen) and said, "Tobin, you have to do something, your medicine is doing nothing and I am really sick. Please." And he ignored me. Until he was ready to talk. He basically talked to all the students that came into his office after me and left the office. He came back to find me still there so he said, "Ok, so you're sick. Go to any hospital you want and I'll just pay you back tomorrow" He wanted me to go alone to a hospital that doesn't speak English. So...I tried to contact Korean friends but it was kinda late and he didn't tel me where any hospitals were. I look back and think I should have asked but I was so sick...I just left and fell asleep with my phone in my hand trying to find someone to go with me. He woke me up later and yelled at me for not going but I didn't really care I just went back to sleep. The next morning I made sure to ask him to take me to the hospital BEFORE the magical doctors only lunch hour. I called him at 11:45 am and he said he would come pick me up then called me 5 minutes later and told me to come to the office. So I got there and then he told me we couldn't leave until 12:30 and I was so angry so I responded a little in anger and said, 'Then WHY did you tell me to come now?" Him: "It slipped my mind" I just laid back and closed my eyes in frustration and he said, "Why are you so grouchy" I couldn't take it anymore Shannon, he had been putting off taking me to the doctor and was acting like an ass so I yelled, "I'm grouchy because I'm (held back fucking here) sick and you keep making me work when you can clearly SEE I am sick" He FLIPS OUT And screams"(something in Korean) I didn't give you that cold, you could have gone to the hospital days ago...blah (he yelled for a while)" "Well, I ASKED you again to take me to the doctor and you said they were all on lunch AT THE SAME TIME!" So he storms off to throw some things around before coming back and saying, 'Fine, we'll go NOW" and as we are walking out the elevator he feels the need to add, "Jesus Christ, you are fucking piss me off" That's the whole story. I could only add that the doctor is dumb and all he did was take my temp and ask how many days of do nothing pills I wanted. I'm sorry the story was so long...but I am so angry. It's not just my story, either. My co worker who has been puking for 5 days straight got barely any treatment at the doctor either and my boss is just worried she won't have enough energy to work (his words, not my assumption). He doesn't care that we're sick, he cares if we can work or not BUT we cannot take a sick day. Those are not allowed. It just really struck me how childish, selfish, and prideful my boss is. I knew he was before, but I must have forgotten...it was just really awful to have to deal with someone that honestly has no care for anyone else.That’s the long version of the story, but that’s the whole story. I was LIVID at him for days and still have very little respect for him based on how he treats his employees and own wife. My Korean is coming along nicely. I now have two tutors and they are wonderful! I have a crush on one of them because he’s so kind, gentle, patient, and just really cute. Apparently they say men that look like him have soft faces. He also looks like a guy from my favorite Korean drama so that helps. I go to California in 4 weeks and I am really excited! I get to be a maid of honor, see my best friend, and see OTHER friends I haven’t seen in 8 months!! I also get to experience America again, but I’m not sure I’m all that excited about that particular aspect. I am starting to look for jobs in Japan and getting excited about moving to Tokyo. It’s going to be a completely different experience and I’m hoping I can do language school while I’m there too. It would be perfect for me to learn Japanese in Japan and be able to use that while applying to grad school. I’ve been loving my classes for the past two months and have gotten to the point where I really enjoy teaching. I love where I’m at right now in life and hope that continues! I also hope the weather will make up it’s mind here, it’s been hot then cold, warm then cold, and so on for few weeks now. I just want summer, please.

This weekend had to be punishment for something I did

A new month. I always love new beginnings because I feel like they give us a fresh start. Who doesn’t love a fresh start? February turned to March for me while I was in Seoul…and it was an interesting turn.
I managed to accomplish the following things over the weekend: leave my wallet in a cab, see two prostitutes, see a SHOP of prostitutes, break my food processor, not talk to the one person I really wanted to, realize my speakers were broken, deal with some high maintenance issues, have broken conversations with cab drivers, take a nap at a spa, buy my first pair of pants in Korea, and have a Korean lesson. I’m sure there was more, but those are the things I remember.
First of all, I LEFT MY WALLET IN A CAB. I put that in caps because once it happened, it kind of took over my weekend. Good thing it happened on a Saturday night and not Friday though, because then it could have ruined the weekend. I’m happy it didn’t ruin my weekend. Once I realized it had happened (due to absent mindedness caused by irritation) I freaked out for 10 seconds before I thought that freaking out would get me nowhere. So I just kinda dealt with it, asked my dad to do me a huge favor by canceling my credit cards, reported the wallet in case it was turned in, did what I could, and forgot about it. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t bothered or it didn’t suck…but I didn’t really see what else I could do besides what was in my control. There were more details involved, but all in all it wasn’t that interesting of an experience, just irritating and not something I really ever wanted to experience.
A more interesting thing that happened is I saw my first prostitutes and then a ton more. I was walking around Itaewon in an area I knew was known for prostitutes, but I had never seen any there to my knowledge. Then, outside a club I see two women trying to pick a dude and they were very obviously Korean prostitutes. They were also outside a transgender club so I feel like this place kinda attracted some shady sexual practices. For some reason, I was really delighted that I finally saw my first two prostitutes. The next morning out cab driver was taking us to the train station when he pointed down the road to a building all lit up in pink with what I thought were manikins in the window. He made a drinking motion with his hand and pointed again, driving slower, and as I looked closer I saw that they were real women just sitting in the pink windows…it was basically a prostitute shop. I was disgusted.
My food processor broke, I think. That means no more homemade peanut butter. I don’t really know what happened, but it started smoking and smelled really bad. I wasn’t happy.
Only one of my speakers has sound coming out of it unless I play a Korean song that translates into “Gone Crazy”. No idea why.
Jjimjilbang’s are Korean bath houses or spas. They are awesome and I love them. One redeeming feature of a part of Seoul called Itaewon is that it has a 24 hour Jjimjilbang. It redeemed my weekend.
The pants I got in Korea are black, sparkly on the butt, and SUPER tight. I love them and was lunging all night Saturday to stretch them out. I also had a guy yell, “ey baby!” at me. I blame the pants and also wonder if “ey baby” is how they get women’s attention now. It’s not very effective. Another ineffective pick up tool is any line beginning with, “Do you think it’s weird that I…” If you have to ask, it probably IS weird and I will tell you.
Happy March. I’m very much hoping March turns out to be amazing and full of beautiful, wonderful events as opposed to frustrating, long evenings. I’ll be sure to do my best to make it good.