Give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

I haven't written in a month and the past month has been insanity. Absolute insanity. So emotional I am pretty sure I no longer feel emotion. Or perhaps feel too much? Hard to say.

I went on R&R which is two weeks off after ten weeks of work. I went to Italy, as I had planned. I ended up going by myself even though I had originally planned on going with a very special person. That didn't work out so I did the trip alone. At first it was really horrible. Traveling alone and not sharing the experience with anyone has never been something I've enjoyed. I did visit a friend in Florence but that place was kind of sad so I decided to go back to Rome. Rome felt magical, so amazing. Everywhere I went there was something old that had a story attached to it. So many stories, so many possibilities, it felt magical! I became so obsessed with the Coliseum that I dragged someone I just met there at 3 am. (I thought going alone was too dangerous) It was incredible. I ended up meeting a bunch of great travelers in the hostel I was staying at, The Yellow, and they made the second half of my trip really amazing and happy. If I ever go back to Rome I would definitely spend a weekend at The Yellow.

Coming back to South Sudan I expected to feel refreshed, rested, and ready to get back to work! However, I felt completely drained. Like all my feeling had been taken away and my ability to care was severely handicapped. I had a lot going on during my R&R and it all came to horrible end right before I had to get back to work. It got even worse about a week into work. Because of everything that happened, I feel like I don't care about my work like I used to. If this is a super intense way of teaching me what to value, I don't appreciate the lesson at all. I have a lot of questions, doubts, confusion, and I'm really unsure of the way forward. As cliche as it may sound, the only thing I can do is trust that God doesn't have questions, doubts, or confusion and is the One guiding me. He knows. Those two words help me a lot and I have to keep remembering them: He knows.

I can say for sure doing relief work makes you question a lot of things. Too many to list. I don't know if this is what I will do long term, I don't know how much longer I will do it at all. I can say I am excited to see what this leads to. As cool as this job is and as much as I am loving doing this, I don't think this is my career. I think this is a stepping stone. I wonder where it will lead....

The other day I finally got to see my first C-section! I was initially quite nervous that seeing them cut would make me queasy or seeing them yank out the uterus would cause me to pass out but I didn't even feel dizzy. It was pretty incredible. They made a few cuts and then pulled a baby out! The most surprising parts were that once the baby was out I couldn't believe it had ever fit in that small space and there wasn't as much blood as I thought there would be. It was awesome, though. Hearing the baby cry was so amazing somehow. I've heard babies cry before but this cry was a sign of health and life. It was awesome.

With the good comes bad (somehow) and today I learned of something that always saddens me. One of my favorite workers couldn't work recently because she was "sick" and today I found out that she had actually been beaten so badly by her husband that she couldn't work. I felt so angry and helpless all at once. It was like the incident in Korea all over again. The wife is her husband's property here, he has every right to hit her. If you involve the police, they will probably do nothing if the woman doesn't demand it. And even if she did do something, her husband would probably abandon her and then who would care for her and protect her? Maybe he doesn't beat her often and it's better to stay with him than try and do anything. Realizing this reality is more than sad, it is sickening. I hope one day this society can realize the value of it's women and work towards equality. I don't mean for that to sound like I want them to embrace the American idea of equality but I also don't want women to continue to be men's property. The women here are truly incredible and deserve better.

I am sure more happened than this

Wow. I am really horrible at consistently updating my friends and family about life. Things change really quickly around here and it feels like time flies by....really. I can't believe where I am now and where I started!

I shouldn't write about everything in detail since that would make for an extremely long entry. For purposes of updating those I don't get a chance to speak with, here are some bullet points.

• In addition to doing logistics, I am covering the nutrition program while the manager is away. It is a very satisfying experience and makes me think I should look into how I could become more qualified to do relief work. Maybe that is a strange sentence but I think getting some sort of credential to do work here, even a certificate, could be helpful. 
• At the nutrition center, one of the community volunteers refuses to speak English so I have been learning Arabic. I learn really quickly when I HAVE to speak to her in Arabic. It's still coming along slowly but I can out together some very basic sentences and understand her better than when I began. Things like this make me absolutely love the work I do.
• I've been holding tons of babies! It makes me SO so happy when a mother hands me a fat baby because it means we are giving them food they need to make those babies HEALTHY. Skinny babies make me sad. 
• I'm not sure if I wrote about this but one of our driver's accidentally ran over a pig. Where I am, you have to pay for a pig when you run it over but then you get to keep the pig. I went to the neighbor's house to butcher it and was so satisfied to watch that pig's head get chopped off. I think the pig's around here are super annoying and we even had to slam on our brakes yesterday to avoid one in the middle of the road.
• We baked a cake last week in our oven. It doesn't look like an oven by western standards and you still have to put coals in it, but it made a very delicious cake. This sounds like a stupid bullet point, I know, but I haven't made a cake yet over here and baking it over coals was cool. I would never do that back home!
• There was recently come conflict in a nearby camp between the refugees and the host community. Some men got seriously injured and were brought to our hospital. We don't have a blood bank at our hospital but one of the men needed blood. Me and my co worker are O negative, so we donated to this man. It was great being able to give something since I don't have medical knowledge and couldn't help in that way. The man ended up dying early the next morning which was a very serious reminder of how fragile the relationship is between the locals and the refugees in this area. It reminded me that different things are important to different people and everyone will defend what they feel is most important. Even to death. 
• I found out an old friend was found dead back home. I haven't spoken to this person in awhile but we had been close at one time in my life. It was very strange finding out he was dead because it didn't seem real, it didn't seem like something that was possible. I am still trying to grasp the reality of death...I realize it is part of life but it's strange to really come to terms with someone being gone. I can't ever talk to that person again. 

Those are the main things that have been going on. A lot of death lately. I have recently been very exhausted and can't WAIT to go on R & R. If anyone finds themselves in Italy or Brussels...let me know!

Sheikh lessons

I turned 27 a week ago. My birthday was so great and I think right after that life took a bad turn.

It all started when the day before my birthday I noticed myself getting really tired for no reason. Always a bad sign but sometimes I can just rest and not get sick. I wasn't really sick on my birthday but the beginnings of sickness were present. After my birthday, I couldn't stop it...full blown cold/flu/virus. I know it could have been so so so much worse considering what kind of diseases can be caught where I am but...it was not enjoyable.

In the midst of me being sick, one of the most important relationships in my life took a horrible turn. The thing I think I ruined, I most definitely ruined now. I can't tell if I'm the one being unreasonable or if I am demanding what I deserve. I am so bad at judging such things.

In work news, I have begun learning the nutrition program. It's very interesting stuff. Lots of acronyms and procedures to learn but it gives me an opportunity to be in the community doing something and I love that. We have a distribution coming up and I will get to learn how it all works. It's all a bit strange to explain and I don't understand it all yet but basically, nutrition is the program we use to help feed children and pregnant and lactating women. We screen for malnourished children and do our best to help them. That is the simplest way I can put it.

Since I mentioned being in the community, some people on my compound have been going out on the quads on Sundays. We go to this nearby village on the river...the name of it I can't quite remember. On the way there is this amazing tree whose roots grow DOWN from the branches. I need to take a photo and post it here even though every photo takes so so long to upload. It's a really amazing tree. We have been there twice and each time a crowd forms to see why we stopped there and asks, "Do you have trees like this where you're from?" The answer is no, we don't. I think they are glad to show us something we don't know about. There is always a crowd of children and some of them are scared of white people. I'm not quite sure where the fear comes from but I know we look different. It's pretty funny to just step towards them and have them run away but it is also a little sad. Sometimes I just want to say hello to a baby and the kid holding it will not let me get near! I don't think I'm THAT scary.

I've been reading "They Poured Fire on us from the Sky" and it is really sad. They were not treated well when they went to refugee camps and it makes me wonder how the people here are really treated. I don't get out in the camps much and I was reminded of that when I went to a Sheikh meeting before our latest food distribution. We always meet with the sheikh's before a food distribution since they organize their tribes to make the distribution smoother. Sheikh's are like community leaders, they help solve their tribes issues and are great at organizing their people and giving them information. They can also bring up questions and issues so we can work together and help them. They have been having an issue with getting everyone registered so they can get a ration card and they are complaining that because of this, people are having to share their food with others and it is not enough. Ration cards are given to refugees who are registered and the family size is recorded on the card. Some people haven't had ration cards in months meaning that families are stretching their food quit thin because it is being shared among more people than it was meant for. They wanted help in solving the issue of not everyone having a ration card. The answer someone gave was, in summary: "I have been a refugee and I know it is hard but if your neighbor comes to you and asks for food, do you give it to him thinking he will return it? No, you give it to him freely as a gift. We should all help each other and not try to get more. Some things only God can pay." This answer made me angry because it didn't answer the question at all! So one of my co-workers gave the guy a normal answer saying he should speak with the correct agency about registering and getting ration cards. Later, this same man asked another question and said, in summary: "How can you know what the real situation is when you are in your office? I am in the camp, I know what my people need, you don't know." This really hit me because I barely spend any time in the camps and I sincerely don't know what they need. I still believe it's good that we give them food but I think it's horrible the politics game that goes on behind the scenes. I don't think what we do is any sort of long term solution but I am not going to pretend I know what a long term solution would be. I wonder if there is a better way to do relief work. I think there has to be.

Are we really helping?

*sigh* I could not kill a goat. I didn't even really try. I was really going to, I was pumped about it, so ready to kill that goat and appreciate my food. The morning of the party I walked to the bathroom and there, laying in the path, was one of the goats. We had bought three to be slaughtered and eaten. It was just sleeping on the path to the bathroom. I looked to the right and there was another goat just standing there, tied to a tree. This goat wouldn't even lift it's head to look at me. I looked to the left and that goat was totally oblivious that death was near and was eating some unidentified object totally happily. I probably would have killed that goat. The other two though....they looked so sad. As if they KNEW they were about to die. I decided then that there was no way I would be the one to kill them. I avoided the goats all day until I heard them start to make lots of noise and then no noise at all. This was one of the only times in my life I considered becoming a vegetarian. I unconsidered it when I started smelling the goat being grilled, it was a fantastic smell. I was so hungry, I wandered over to the grill and got a piece of goat and completely appreciated the sacrifice of the goat's life as I ate the meat. It was soooooo good. They really know how to grill their goats around here.

I finally got to see a food distribution. I have been meaning to see one and have just never had time to go. It was a pretty cool thing to see. The stack up the food in front of the warehouses and give it out to groups of people as they punch families ration cards. The groups then divide up the food among the families. Cool system. It seems to work well and I am obviously leaving out tons of details but in short, it was really cool to see something being done. A lot of my job so far has been figuring out how things should go or helping our staff but I haven't gotten to do much to help people. At the food distribution, I got to see our team helping people in the form of food aid. Then again...are we helping?

I've been thinking about the question for awhile now, are we helping? Is the assistance we give the refugees really helping, or are we helping to fuel the conflict? Helping them become dependent on us? Arrogantly believing we are really doing any good at all when we are not? I really don't know. I think there are probably many different opinion on this, just like every other issue, I just have not figured out what my opinion is. I just kept wondering, as I was watching people walk away with sacks of Sorghum on their heads, what did refugees do before NGO's existed? There has always been conflict, how did the victim's of conflict's past survive without food assistance? Did they survive? Our aid doesn't help groups solve conflict and doesn't help people get over tribalism, so what did they do in the past when there was a "humanitarian crisis?" Who decided it was a good idea to give millions of dollars to feed people? I know on the surface it seems like such a simple thing: people are starving, give them food. It really isn't that simple though, it is much more complex. This simply complex question has been rolling around my head for the past couple of weeks. If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to share.

I finally went for a morning run a couple days ago to cure my lardish feeling. It was amazing but I'm not sure how consistent I can be with it.

In addition to feeling bad about killing a goat, I just found a sizable spider on my suitcase...pretty sure I brushed it with my hand, and I even felt bad killing THAT! What is wrong with me?! I felt bad because the spider wasn't aggressive, it was very timid. I wanted to try and put it outside but honestly didn't know how to accomplish that and it was really big so I didn't want it to bite me. So I squished it. And then I wanted to apologize to it. I should probably get over this hyper sensitivity to death.

Sentences are hard

I've been having really disconnected thoughts lately and haven't been able to form sentences well today so....I think this post will be in bullet points. The bullet points probably won't be related. I'll do my best.

• Lately, whenever a bug bites me I am pretty sure I just contracted a disease. Because of this, I am super jumpy and look like a scared little girl everywhere I go. It makes people laugh but I also know they are judging me. I don't like this.
• My feet got ridiculously muddy yesterday. Solution? Paint my toes today so that if they get muddy in the future, I can't really tell how dirty they are. I'm not sure if this can actually be counted as a solution...but I've been in a lot of denial lately.
• I have been feeling really sad lately. I'm not sure who I can actually tell about this besides my friends back in America since I don't want people here thinking I want to give up. I don't want to give up, I just want to talk about being sad. Not sure how to deal with this one.
• We got some goats today and since I like to eat goat, I'm thinking I should kill one. Just to understand where my food comes from. Don't worry, I will post pictures on facebook.
• I love and hate it here all at once. Actually, I experience those emotions at different moments but sometimes in the same hour. I love when I can understand someone but I hate when I can't. OR when people laugh at me...I really hate that. I don't know why they are laughing. I just know that I am always being watched because I'm different. I'm getting very annoyed with this despite knowing it cannot be avoided.
• I feel so guilty knowing I will not be home when someone I love gets there. I wish I didn't feel guilty but I feel like maybe I ruined it. And maybe I did.
• I am having a hard time understanding why things are how they are. Why do people need more than one wife? Why would someone hate another person because they look different? Why is war a solution? Why hasn't anyone built ROADS here?! The questions of life.
• Sometimes, when I speak, I find myself saying words I don't even think or believe. That is frustrating. And everyone knows, once the word vomit starts...it is hard to stop.
• I feel like a lard.
• I think love is a difficult thing. It makes people feel amazing, like life will never get any better. There is no feeling like it. It also makes people feel horrible, like a part of them is missing when they can't be with someone they love. I think it can be the best and worst thing in the world.

These are some random Sunday thoughts. Sorry this isn't really an update. I would say nothing has happened but of course things have happened. There wasn't enough food to distribute, there were crazy amounts of bugs, we got an awesome visitor...but those aren't things I particularly cared to write about. Maybe next time. 

Lesson's Learned

There are so many lessons for me to learn here. Just starting out, it's really hard to tell what is normal and what is not. It's even more difficult when people are looking to you with help in making decisions.

One thing that has been really difficult is getting accurate information. Classic example: Someone calls me to tell me they have a certain thing I had requested to come to my town. They literally say they have this thing in their hands. Great. Their co worker calls back and asks ME how much it weighs (so they can record how much weight is on the plane). I obviously don't know and ask why they didn't weigh it. Apparently, it is already at the airport. Okay. I get an email the next morning saying the item never got on the plane because it arrived too late. It's confusing that it arrived "too late" because they said it was at the airport. Turns out, this person didn't actually have the item in his hands when they said they did and the item never actually went to the airport. So they said these things....because...??? I am often confused.

Another thing is people here are always trying to get more than you told them they could have. Example: We had given permission for four people from an important partner to ride on our plane back to the capital. They show up, I ask them who will be flying, they give me four names. Awesome. We have nine people total flying out that day so we have nine seats. It comes time to load passengers so everyone gets on...and we are short one seat. Hmmm....someone has more people than they said they were bringing. Turns out this important partner thought they could just have another person fly even though they never told us AND didn't even ask when I asked them who was flying that day. I kicked them off the flight. I was not happy. This is apparently very common, they think they can just demand things and those things will be given. It makes it difficult to feel merciful sometimes.

And then there are the police. I love them because I think their job is so essential. I hate them because you're never really sure they are doing their job. I understand there needs to be laws and punishments for breaking these laws. However, it would be great if everyone actually knew what the punishment should be and for what violation instead of people just making it up. It's really hard to tell if they are just trying to get money for things or are actually enforcing a law. Since I never know, I just kind of avoid dealing with them or try to walk away when I can.

I still haven't seen a birth but really really want to! I'm getting annoyed at being called a kawaja all the time. I wish everyone knew my name so they could call me that.

Babt Steps

This week has been a little crazy. I write this knowing full well every week will be a little crazy. The person who was training me on how to do my job left for R&R and I was left with the task of doing my job...which I honestly felt very confused about. I don't fault the person who left, though, since they definitely deserved to take their R&R.Slowly I am understanding how to do what I need to do but it is slow. I'm not the most patient person, especially when it comes to myself, so it's kind of sucked. If I can be blunt and not eloquent.

I'm the kind of person who really likes to know what's expected of them and then do my best to meet or exceed expectation. Here...I don't have a clear idea of expectations. I am a firm believer that disappointment comes form unmet expectations and I really hate to be a disappointment. It's even more tricky because the person who may be considered my supervisor, also left for R&R. Hmmm....so I think these next two weeks (that's how long R&R is) will be about me understanding where I am and how things work. SO much unknown! I know a lot of it will be me jumping in, asking tons and tons of questions, and making mistakes. Even though I have "making mistakes" as part of my blog title, I hate to do it. It's part of life though, I should embrace it. :)

I haven't been able to have much interaction with the community this week since I've been pretty absorbed with figuring things out so I don't have many stories. I did try and watch a birth but that didn't work out. It was her first baby so the delivery took longer and she didn't end up delivering until around 2 am...and I was asleep by then. I will see one soon, though!

I taught one of the new midwives how to play angry birds on my phone and they loved it! That was funny to see. The area I'm in loves their pigs and is known for raising them. The game is all about killing pigs and it was pretty funny to see this guy playing the game and saying, "ugh, the pig won't die! I gotta kill this pig!" That's kinda how I feel every time we are driving and a tiny pig just casually saunters in front of our car and we have to wait for it or find a way around. Those pigs are annoying. I know it sounds easy to just go around the pig but it's really not. Especially if it's rained recently, the roads are nearly impossible and going around a pig can mean getting stuck. Not. Cool. Pig.

I met all our cooks recently and they kept asking me where my husband was. I told them multiple times that I didn't have one but they couldn't accept this answer. They decided they were probably using the wrong word and started asking me where my father was, I told them he was in America and this made sense to them. I still can't decide if they think I'm married or not. I should learn more Arabic and figure it out.

This week I'm going to try and go see a food distribution. I've never seen one before and am really curious how it works. Hopefully this week all the baby steps towards understanding my job add up!