I am waiting. After I got my hanko, registered myself at City Hall, filled out loads of paperwork, and sat at the real estate office, I got assigned to wait until the 13th to go pick up my key. Unfortunately, my boss will be out of town then so he informed me that on the 13th I need to find a Japanese speaker to go with me to the real estate office to pick up the key. I'm sure I can find someone, but I always hate to feel like I'm inconveniencing someone with such an un-fun task. I also need to find a Japanese speaker that can call and arrange for them to turn on my gas. I'm going to need that soon after moving in, so maybe I can just get one person to do this all in one day? I hope I can! This whole not speaking much Japanese thing is becoming quite the issue. And even though it is frustrating to do this whole process through a translator, it's liberating to know my boss doesn't OWN the apartment, it is mine separate from him or my school. So different from Korea!
Another thing that is becoming quite the issue is me feeling like I am hitting life WAY below my potential level. Everyday I come across things that challenge me in unique ways, force me to learn something, and help me see the world from a different perspective, but it's not enough. It doesn't push me to THINK, to really explore my knowledge bank, to work with others to come up with an innovative solution. I feel so underused. There are parts of my life that are so extremely satisfying right now it's blissful, but there are other parts that are really frustrating me. I realize this is a HUGE sign to change so I'm taking measures to do just that. It's spring, so it's time for a fresh start! The issue with this is, I want the blissful parts to stay blissful and just make the frustrating parts change! Balancing life can be really challenging!
The cherry blossoms have bloomed! Since then, it has been sunny for one day and pretty rainy and gross for most other days. Usually in Japan, they have picnics in parks and look at the cherry blossoms. But as my boss said today, they just pretend to look at the cherry blossoms and actually just look at their food. My boss says funny things without meaning to and she is honestly one of the best bosses I have ever had. She's always trying to give me advice for my future and mentor me just like she does all her students. She is a natural teacher. I'm so thankful for my employers.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Forward and Back
Today I went to a hanko shop to get my very hanko. In Japan, when you need to sign your name to start an account at the bank, get an apartment, or do anything else of equal importance, you use a hanko stamp instead of your signature. For a Japanese person it's totally normal to go into one of these shops to get your own personl hanko. For a gaijin to walk in is not normal. For a gaijin to walk in and ask for their name spelled out phonetically in katakana is even more not normal. At least it made the shop owner laugh and say things like, "This is not a Japanese name." Situations like that make me smile and know that living overseas is different. There are also situations that bring me close to tears and make me realize living overseas is different. Life is a balance, there's good and bad.
There are about two days/month that I miss familiarity. My city has become at least somewhat familiar to me, and I have a lot of the JR and various other subway lines in Tokyo basically memorized, but it's not familiar. It's not where I came from, nothing here is a part of what shaped me (yet). I can blend in as well as possible but not completely. If I wanted to, I could build my life here. I could start a career, I could learn Japanese, I could do everything like a Japanese does. But even then I would still never be Japanese and this would never truly be home. So two days/month I feel sad. I'm really hoping to change that and soon make it only one day/month and then maybe one day/other month. We'll see. Maybe being away is taking it's toll?
There are about two days/month that I miss familiarity. My city has become at least somewhat familiar to me, and I have a lot of the JR and various other subway lines in Tokyo basically memorized, but it's not familiar. It's not where I came from, nothing here is a part of what shaped me (yet). I can blend in as well as possible but not completely. If I wanted to, I could build my life here. I could start a career, I could learn Japanese, I could do everything like a Japanese does. But even then I would still never be Japanese and this would never truly be home. So two days/month I feel sad. I'm really hoping to change that and soon make it only one day/month and then maybe one day/other month. We'll see. Maybe being away is taking it's toll?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
From enlightenment to pay raises
I've been reading The Brother's Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky and am surprised that it reminds me how amazing God is and how intricate life can be. I wasn't really expecting that from the book although seeing as it is Russian, maybe I should have. It's the sort of book that reveals who you are to yourself. As if you can see yourself reflected in the character and it makes you think about what that means. If you don't learn something about yourself, it at least helps you reflect on humanity and understand what people are. Even though we're all people, we don't always understand what that means.
More exciting than a book, I went snowboarding for the first time in Gunma this past week. It was a GREAT but painful time. After we snowboarded, we went to Onsen which means hot spring in Japanese. A really good idea for when you just did something that makes your whole body hurt! The view from the Onsen was really beautiful and made better by the fact that it started to snow. So, you saw a snow covered hill with a couple trees, through the steam rising up from the onsen bath, as snow drifted slowly down. Beautiful. I don't have my camera now, but when I get it back, pictures will be posted.
I also saw Percy and the Olympians over my spring break. It was HILARIOUS but I'm pretty sure the parts I thought were funny weren't supposed to be funny. Omar thought it was an awful movie. I guess I would agree except that I was laughing through a lot of it.
This post is super choppy but I think my mind has drifted away from being focused on it. I have no big news to report except I'm expecting my alien registration card this week and should be moving this week as well. I really really hope I move, anyways. I also get a raise in my next paycheck, so the extra money will be awesome.
More exciting than a book, I went snowboarding for the first time in Gunma this past week. It was a GREAT but painful time. After we snowboarded, we went to Onsen which means hot spring in Japanese. A really good idea for when you just did something that makes your whole body hurt! The view from the Onsen was really beautiful and made better by the fact that it started to snow. So, you saw a snow covered hill with a couple trees, through the steam rising up from the onsen bath, as snow drifted slowly down. Beautiful. I don't have my camera now, but when I get it back, pictures will be posted.
I also saw Percy and the Olympians over my spring break. It was HILARIOUS but I'm pretty sure the parts I thought were funny weren't supposed to be funny. Omar thought it was an awful movie. I guess I would agree except that I was laughing through a lot of it.
This post is super choppy but I think my mind has drifted away from being focused on it. I have no big news to report except I'm expecting my alien registration card this week and should be moving this week as well. I really really hope I move, anyways. I also get a raise in my next paycheck, so the extra money will be awesome.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Normalcy?
Since I've gotten to Tokyo my life has been filled with packing, moving, uncertainty and stress. Not the sort of stress that you might imagine, but the sort of stress that accompanies not having any clue what will happen next month. I feel like my life is better with a certain sort of stability like knowing I will be getting a paycheck next month. In the past two months my life has gotten much more stable with a job I enjoy and knowing my way around Tokyo better.
With everything settling a bit, I finally feel like my whole self is waking up from this weird numb survival mode. It's not as if before I was merely surviving because I definitely wasn't. It's just that before I didn't see things from a "this is my home" perspective. Everything felt oddly far away and I did things out of knowing I had to or should do those things. I am just now feeling like I want to do things that I would do somewhere I lived. A couple examples: start a regular Japanese class, go to a gym, go grocery shopping, get a phone with a monthly plan, and open a bank account. Before most of these things may have seemed hasty or unreasonable considering my situation, but now I know I'm staying here so I want a sense of normalcy. It's great :).
I finally finished this tv series I've been watching. It's actually a relief. Not sure that I've ever watched a tv show out of a sense of duty to finish. This show was a constant string of cheating couples and it was starting to get to me considering I was just told about a situation involving cheating recently.
It's shocking to me how deeply I'm affected by someone's bad relationship decisions that don't directly involve me. Watching the entire thing unfold has made me feel like no matter what, people are flawed. And even if you think you can trust someone else, they could always deceive you or leave you or decide to stop loving you. It's always their choice. Knowing that is so scary.
So, in reference to me seeking stability, I think I found a place to stay starting in March. Definitely stoked about that. Also found a couple places to do free Japanese lessons and I'm going to try and find these places tomorrow. I haven't looked into a gym yet...but once I have housing I think that'll be easier.
With everything settling a bit, I finally feel like my whole self is waking up from this weird numb survival mode. It's not as if before I was merely surviving because I definitely wasn't. It's just that before I didn't see things from a "this is my home" perspective. Everything felt oddly far away and I did things out of knowing I had to or should do those things. I am just now feeling like I want to do things that I would do somewhere I lived. A couple examples: start a regular Japanese class, go to a gym, go grocery shopping, get a phone with a monthly plan, and open a bank account. Before most of these things may have seemed hasty or unreasonable considering my situation, but now I know I'm staying here so I want a sense of normalcy. It's great :).
I finally finished this tv series I've been watching. It's actually a relief. Not sure that I've ever watched a tv show out of a sense of duty to finish. This show was a constant string of cheating couples and it was starting to get to me considering I was just told about a situation involving cheating recently.
It's shocking to me how deeply I'm affected by someone's bad relationship decisions that don't directly involve me. Watching the entire thing unfold has made me feel like no matter what, people are flawed. And even if you think you can trust someone else, they could always deceive you or leave you or decide to stop loving you. It's always their choice. Knowing that is so scary.
So, in reference to me seeking stability, I think I found a place to stay starting in March. Definitely stoked about that. Also found a couple places to do free Japanese lessons and I'm going to try and find these places tomorrow. I haven't looked into a gym yet...but once I have housing I think that'll be easier.
Monday, February 1, 2010
WORD VOMIT!
I often neglect this blog because I feel like I have nothing of worth to put in it or I know I don't really want to put the energy into making what I have to say sound like it's of worth. But because I have neglected it for so long and am now convinced no one reads this anymore, I can write whatever I want without thinking about what someone may say.
The past week or so my mind has been on relationships. I've been dating someone for four months now and recently a good friend of mine has been telling me about her relationship issues. People can be so messed up sometimes and that is saying it politely. Not only are people messed up but when they get into a relationship all that mess slops onto the other person and then the other person doesn't know what to do with it, so they project it back and no one talks about what really needs to be talked about. There are so many different ways a relationship could go wrong and there is no predicting what will happen in any given situation. It's scary, risky, weird, and yes, also amazing.
I have always understood that relationships were full of wonderful things that were balanced out with difficult things. I have always understood this but never lived it. I have never had to deal with the reality of how delicate relationships can be. How two people can be living parallel to one another in completely different worlds and one day just crash and completely break each other. I get that people heal and "get over" things, but once your heart is given to someone, I think a piece of it will always stay with them and you can't really get over that. It just sucks. Sometimes relationships just suck. So far, my relationship has been going really well but I'm scared something will happen. I KNOW that I can deal with it if that happens and not to worry but I FEEL protective of my heart.
Without any transition whatsoever, it was supposed to snow today and did NOT. I was unhappy. It started to rain and I wanted to stop teaching and rant about the injustices of weather. Unfortunately, four year old's don't understand rants and can only connect with the injustices of not enough attention or sugar.
My brain is lazy. I am supposed to be studying Japanese or for the GRE or looking into the FSO test. Instead, I am watching The L Word so I can figure out who killed Jennifer Schecter and YES this show is super old. A part of me reminds myself of all the things I should be doing: look for an apartment, update my resume, apply for jobs closer to where I want to live, read the news, look at grad schools...and another part of me thinks I just don't feel like doing those things. LAZY!!! I'm sure I'll get over it.
To end, I have become increasingly intolerant of cheating. I think it is disgusting and even have trouble watching tv shows that contain cheating. Sometimes I even skip scenes in the L Word since that show is one long string of someone cheating on someone else. Cheating is stupid and breaks people. Don't do it.
The past week or so my mind has been on relationships. I've been dating someone for four months now and recently a good friend of mine has been telling me about her relationship issues. People can be so messed up sometimes and that is saying it politely. Not only are people messed up but when they get into a relationship all that mess slops onto the other person and then the other person doesn't know what to do with it, so they project it back and no one talks about what really needs to be talked about. There are so many different ways a relationship could go wrong and there is no predicting what will happen in any given situation. It's scary, risky, weird, and yes, also amazing.
I have always understood that relationships were full of wonderful things that were balanced out with difficult things. I have always understood this but never lived it. I have never had to deal with the reality of how delicate relationships can be. How two people can be living parallel to one another in completely different worlds and one day just crash and completely break each other. I get that people heal and "get over" things, but once your heart is given to someone, I think a piece of it will always stay with them and you can't really get over that. It just sucks. Sometimes relationships just suck. So far, my relationship has been going really well but I'm scared something will happen. I KNOW that I can deal with it if that happens and not to worry but I FEEL protective of my heart.
Without any transition whatsoever, it was supposed to snow today and did NOT. I was unhappy. It started to rain and I wanted to stop teaching and rant about the injustices of weather. Unfortunately, four year old's don't understand rants and can only connect with the injustices of not enough attention or sugar.
My brain is lazy. I am supposed to be studying Japanese or for the GRE or looking into the FSO test. Instead, I am watching The L Word so I can figure out who killed Jennifer Schecter and YES this show is super old. A part of me reminds myself of all the things I should be doing: look for an apartment, update my resume, apply for jobs closer to where I want to live, read the news, look at grad schools...and another part of me thinks I just don't feel like doing those things. LAZY!!! I'm sure I'll get over it.
To end, I have become increasingly intolerant of cheating. I think it is disgusting and even have trouble watching tv shows that contain cheating. Sometimes I even skip scenes in the L Word since that show is one long string of someone cheating on someone else. Cheating is stupid and breaks people. Don't do it.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Desiring justification
Oh goodness, the journey continues. And so far, Japan wins for the CRAZIEST journey. I got fired. Yes, I know...shocking. I don't get fired, I don't even get verbal warnings. I do my job and for my whole life I have always done whatever job I had well. This time I made the mistake of trusting an absolutely crazy man with my job security. It obviously failed. I'm not going to go into detail about all that happened or try and explain it at all, really. I just want to say, I know that I did my best for that man and his family and have to accept that some people's poor management skill will lead to their own dissatisfaction. The only few good things that came out of it were meeting a new friend who also worked for him (and also got fired at the same time), once I stopped working for him I could have a life again, job hunt WAY more, see my friends more often, explore Tokyo, experience Japan in a real way and not just from his bitter, cynical viewpoint. The freedom was amazing.
I had been struggling with the decision to quit my nanny job for a couple weeks, (and yes, I only worked there 3 weeks), and felt huge relief when he asked me to leave. It was scary because I didn't know what I would do next, but I knew anything was better than staying in that house with him. I know for sure I never would have left that house unless I had found a full time teaching position. I would have stayed unhappy so it didn't look like I was quitting. Although, through it all I couldn't help but feel the universe had cheated me. It had tricked me into thinking I was getting a good transition job and it ended being a worse experience than my Korean boss. Even now I feel like my past two jobs deserve some sort of justification, something to make up for what I had to go through, (and yes I realize it could have been worse. But most things in life could be worse, that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy and just accept it).
NOW I live in Urawa at a hostel type place where I teach for housing. It's actually a convenient location, chill people, relaxed teaching, and overall, not a bad gig post crazy-man. Honestly, this whole experience up to now has taught me more about trusting God has me in His hands than anything else. I'm in the process of 4 interviews and a pre-screen for one school in the Tokyo area. I'm hoping at least one of these leads to an actual job and I am still applying for more jobs. And honestly, all of these things opened up AFTER I left his house. I really don't think I was supposed to be there to begin with and should have left when I had the feeling that was the wrong place for me. I'm extremely confident that something in or around Tokyo WILL work out, but as often happen with me, it will be last minute and slightly stressful.
I love being in Tokyo. Exploring, learning the language, meeting people, spending time with people I already know here; it all makes me feel SO HAPPY again. I climbed Mt. Takao the other day and met two Japanese guys. They climbed the mountain with me and my friend and then went out to eat/drink with us afterward. They were so much fun and taught us some Japanese while we taught them some English. Recently, me and my friend accidentally took the wrong train home and ended up at Tokyo station. Neither of us has any idea how it happened and it was too late to get another train back home. While stuck in Tokyo, we met a Brazilian guy and his Japanese girlfriend who could both speak fluent English. They helped us and seemed like super chill people to hang out with. It's encounters like those that make me want to stay here so bad. Just chance meetings with people that make the experience so much better.
So I am hoping and praying the hard work of applying, interviewing and networking all pays off and I can stay here. SO hoping and praying. Because for the first time in awhile, I am happy and feel joy on a daily basis.
I had been struggling with the decision to quit my nanny job for a couple weeks, (and yes, I only worked there 3 weeks), and felt huge relief when he asked me to leave. It was scary because I didn't know what I would do next, but I knew anything was better than staying in that house with him. I know for sure I never would have left that house unless I had found a full time teaching position. I would have stayed unhappy so it didn't look like I was quitting. Although, through it all I couldn't help but feel the universe had cheated me. It had tricked me into thinking I was getting a good transition job and it ended being a worse experience than my Korean boss. Even now I feel like my past two jobs deserve some sort of justification, something to make up for what I had to go through, (and yes I realize it could have been worse. But most things in life could be worse, that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy and just accept it).
NOW I live in Urawa at a hostel type place where I teach for housing. It's actually a convenient location, chill people, relaxed teaching, and overall, not a bad gig post crazy-man. Honestly, this whole experience up to now has taught me more about trusting God has me in His hands than anything else. I'm in the process of 4 interviews and a pre-screen for one school in the Tokyo area. I'm hoping at least one of these leads to an actual job and I am still applying for more jobs. And honestly, all of these things opened up AFTER I left his house. I really don't think I was supposed to be there to begin with and should have left when I had the feeling that was the wrong place for me. I'm extremely confident that something in or around Tokyo WILL work out, but as often happen with me, it will be last minute and slightly stressful.
I love being in Tokyo. Exploring, learning the language, meeting people, spending time with people I already know here; it all makes me feel SO HAPPY again. I climbed Mt. Takao the other day and met two Japanese guys. They climbed the mountain with me and my friend and then went out to eat/drink with us afterward. They were so much fun and taught us some Japanese while we taught them some English. Recently, me and my friend accidentally took the wrong train home and ended up at Tokyo station. Neither of us has any idea how it happened and it was too late to get another train back home. While stuck in Tokyo, we met a Brazilian guy and his Japanese girlfriend who could both speak fluent English. They helped us and seemed like super chill people to hang out with. It's encounters like those that make me want to stay here so bad. Just chance meetings with people that make the experience so much better.
So I am hoping and praying the hard work of applying, interviewing and networking all pays off and I can stay here. SO hoping and praying. Because for the first time in awhile, I am happy and feel joy on a daily basis.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
atarashi
A new city, a new job, a new currency, a new language, new people, new relationships...a new life. I am starting over, yet again. In many ways it feels as if I am starting over for the first time but I know that I've done it before. Familiar feelings and reactions crop up and I am reminded this isn't a completely unknown experience.
Tokyo is a big city and one that I hope I have more time to explore. As of now, I am an au pair to a single father in his 50's. He has a live in Japanese girlfriend who helps him a lot, but since he does no housework and doesn't seem to possess the patience needed to raise 3 boys ages 5, 7, and 14, he needs more help than just her. He's extremely non-confrontational except for his underhanded "why aren't you reading my mind" sort of comments. For example, if he feels like the kids should be doing something that they are not doing, like eating dinner with him even though he never said he was going to eat and they ate earlier because they were hungry, he will continuously make comments like, "so I guess I'm eating alone. Well, this is lonely. I didn't know family dinners were so lonely." I personally wasn't aware that I was expected to wait until 8 pm for him to crawl out of his room so I could feed his 5 and 7 yr old sons dinner before their 8:30 bath. I have a lot of different thoughts about how children should be raised than him. It's an experience trying to navigate my way through his expectations and my reality. He is an exhausting man and I cannot wait to start teaching again. Silver lining: he has an oven and I have turned into a baking maniac. I can't stop. It's been too long since I've had an oven.
Even though my job is less than desirable at this point, it is only temporary and that was the understanding from the beginning. Everything else is wonderful. I love the people here, I am enjoying learning Japanese, the relationships I have here are fantastic, and exploring is FUN. Also, he hired a second au pair and she is from France. It is seriously so great having someone to work with that I can talk and relate to. We're learning Japanese together and in the process, I am also learning french. It's an interesting life!
I hope I find a teaching job in the next two months so I can stay here, otherwise my visa expires. :( I feel I have too many important things to figure out here before I go, two months isn't long enough. Even though lately I have been missing Korea, I know I am only missing familiarity and security. Soon, I will have that here, too.
Tokyo is a big city and one that I hope I have more time to explore. As of now, I am an au pair to a single father in his 50's. He has a live in Japanese girlfriend who helps him a lot, but since he does no housework and doesn't seem to possess the patience needed to raise 3 boys ages 5, 7, and 14, he needs more help than just her. He's extremely non-confrontational except for his underhanded "why aren't you reading my mind" sort of comments. For example, if he feels like the kids should be doing something that they are not doing, like eating dinner with him even though he never said he was going to eat and they ate earlier because they were hungry, he will continuously make comments like, "so I guess I'm eating alone. Well, this is lonely. I didn't know family dinners were so lonely." I personally wasn't aware that I was expected to wait until 8 pm for him to crawl out of his room so I could feed his 5 and 7 yr old sons dinner before their 8:30 bath. I have a lot of different thoughts about how children should be raised than him. It's an experience trying to navigate my way through his expectations and my reality. He is an exhausting man and I cannot wait to start teaching again. Silver lining: he has an oven and I have turned into a baking maniac. I can't stop. It's been too long since I've had an oven.
Even though my job is less than desirable at this point, it is only temporary and that was the understanding from the beginning. Everything else is wonderful. I love the people here, I am enjoying learning Japanese, the relationships I have here are fantastic, and exploring is FUN. Also, he hired a second au pair and she is from France. It is seriously so great having someone to work with that I can talk and relate to. We're learning Japanese together and in the process, I am also learning french. It's an interesting life!
I hope I find a teaching job in the next two months so I can stay here, otherwise my visa expires. :( I feel I have too many important things to figure out here before I go, two months isn't long enough. Even though lately I have been missing Korea, I know I am only missing familiarity and security. Soon, I will have that here, too.
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