I'm not much of a writer, but this is true.

Passion.
I find this to be one of the most important words of my life so far. When I've had it, I've been successful and happy. A driven woman who wasn't discouraged by much and who was motivated by pure passion. When I've been without it, I've been easily discouraged and just sad. I never realized how important passion was until I was without it. Honestly, I'm not even sure when it left.
I traveled to Japan with little idea of what would happen. I knew I had a temporary job, I knew there was a lot of potential. Potential meaning it could go great or awful. Lots of potential. Everything collapsed pretty quickly once I got here and it was exhilarating to piece everything together. But really I had no passion for Japan, waning passion for teaching, and a resentment for starting over again.
I have wondered many times why I have felt this way since I got here. A growing resentment. It's not as if I was forced to come here, I CHOSE this. Not only did I choose it then, I am still choosing it now. So why would I resent a choice I am still making? Because I would like to blame everything I can for not being where I want to be. Not in the career I want, not in a country I love, not hearing a language I love, not currently setting up the life I want. The piece of the puzzle I was failing to see was this: THIS IS ONLY A SECTION OF MY PATH. I am still young, the world is still big, I have not ended my journey. This is the beginning! This is where it starts! Everyday learning, frustrations, joy, sadness, LIFE.
I realize I need to enjoy the journey, especially a journey this wonderful and fairy tale like. I am positive that the experiences I have had overseas fighting for what I feel I deserve will push me towards the greater goal of a career I have passion for in a country I can enjoy while speaking a second language I love. For now, the world is my classroom and I truly need to see it that way by respecting the people I meet everyday who can teach me something. I have had too many frustrations recently because I am impatient and unsatisfied. It doesn't need to be like this. I can rekindle my passion for life, learning, growing...PUSHING towards the greater goal.

Crazy, emotional, lost hamster haze.

I've always thought that I was a fair person. In the past, I always did my best to be fair and not let my emotions get the best of me. Perhaps I haven't done a perfect job and if I looked back would be disappointed in myself. Recently, I haven't had to look back at all since I can see how I am acting almost immediately after I act. I have noticed that ever since I started up a relationship, I have not been fair and I have often let my emotions get the best of me. I can't explain it and I can't justify it, all I can say is that being in love with someone and working through things can make me feel crazy. I have never felt more guilty, giddy, happy, angry, frustrated, content, and satisfied all at once. And even in the times when I feel truly crazy, I am still so thankful. Maybe it's because I AM crazy? I have no idea.
Completely unrelated, I got a hamster! It's a dwarf hamster named Rio and I am shockingly so happy to have a pet. Shockingly because I am not really a pet kind of person--completely contrary to how 12 year old me thought I would be at this age. Unfortunately, Rio escaped about 3 days ago and I'm pretty sure he found his way outside and is lost forever/dead. I was VERY sad but also happy that hamster's only cost 600yen (about $6). This also may explain why I'm not a good pet person. Sometimes I side with logic a little too much. What else is cheap like hamsters? Natural cures.
Coconut oil is basically the best thing to ever come from coconut's. You can use it as a canker sore cure! This stuff is good for EVERYTHING! It's great for cooking, moisturizer, tanning lotion, mouthwash, canker sore relief and that list goes on and on. I put some oil in my mouth and for real, the pain almost immediately went down. It's not numb or anything, the pain is just much less. Very cool.
In other news, I am antsy and want another goal to work towards since the fsot is over. I get the results in a week but can't count on it so...I need to do something else. I SHOULD study and take the gre but I have zero motivation to do so. I guess I just need to push until it feels right. Good advice for some instances, terrible for others. Keep that in mind.

One step at a time

Today, I finally did something I have been wanting to do for the past two years. I studied, I woke up early, and I arrived at the embassy by 8:00 am. A bit early, but I was nervous and had never been to the embassy before. Being there felt strangely relaxing and comforting, not stressful and busy like I thought it would be. Everyone seemed friendly and welcoming which, when you think about it, makes absolute sense for an embassy. I was ready and my initial negative feelings went away as I finally took the foreign service officer test. I know it's such a small step, but it's the first step and it had to be taken in order for any other steps to be possible. To be offered a job with the foreign service would be really amazing and I'm hoping to get further in the process than a test at the embassy. But...I'm at the beginning.
Which brings me to wonder...why did I wait two years? What was I waiting FOR?! The true answer is I was waiting for my own insecurities to abate before I tried for anything I truly wanted. Once I got to Japan, I realized that would never happen and if I wanted my life to be a life I loved I had to take the chance of failure. So I applied.
I know it's just a test and I don't even know if I passed but just the act of taking it made me feel empowered and like I was getting back to feeling strong and confident. Next, is grad school applications and the GRE. I want to shape a life I love to live, a life I feel I can be proud of. I want to realize my happiness and maintain it so I can contribute something to the world. Because, when I'm unhappy, I don't contribute very much.

new apartment

I finally have my own apartment. :) And while it is definitely awesome, getting here has been prety frustrating.
For one, I don't speak Japanese. I realize that if I didn't speak English in America getting an apartment would be JUST as difficult since most companies don't sponsor you like they do in Korea. Well, I experienced this difficulty firsthand and had to rely on the kindness of people I've met here to help me out. THANK GOD I have met some amazingly kind people or I would have never gotten any of my utilities turned on OR gotten moved in at a decent speed. I also would be without a heater. BIG difference between Japan and other places I've lived is there is no built in heating system here and it seems like the apartment absorbs cold. It is ridiculous how much colder it is in here compared to outside. In the summer this might be awesome, but on the brink of spring (it just snowed this past weekend. Vomit.) it is not awesome.
Some highlights of the move have been:
*finding a great sayonara sale where I got a bed, washing machine, shelves, and basically everything I need for my kitchen for free. The first 3 things were not free but ridiculously cheap.
*discovering the great people in my life that will help me when I need it.
*re-discovering how great my boyfriend is when he comes to surprise me and help me with my apartment.
*NOT completely melting down when faced with a challenge like moving into an apartment in Japan even though the real estate company is slightly prejudice against me due to my predecessor.
Life has been good lately...even if the weather can't decide if winter or spring is coming.

Why Japan is great: Part 1

It's always been difficult for me to express why I like Japan more than Korea, but I think I may have discovered my reason today. In Korea, I experience some of the culture but I wasn't really an active member in it as much as I was trying to not offend as many people as possible. In Japan, I get to take part in their culture through different ceremonies and my boss takes an active interest in explaining Japanese culture to me, which I truly appreciate. I often feel overwhelmingly lucky to have found this job, with these people, at this time, in this country. Everything worked out so well and I can't help but think God helped me out with this one.
All of this prompted by a ceremony I have tomorrow that inducts new students into my school. I'm not excited, per say, but I do enjoy seeing ceremonies like this because we don't really do them in America. We do graduation. The end. These ceremonies are a different thing for me and interesting to take part in. Kind of like making mochi. Something that you like to experience but maybe not do often.

Time for something fresh

I am waiting. After I got my hanko, registered myself at City Hall, filled out loads of paperwork, and sat at the real estate office, I got assigned to wait until the 13th to go pick up my key. Unfortunately, my boss will be out of town then so he informed me that on the 13th I need to find a Japanese speaker to go with me to the real estate office to pick up the key. I'm sure I can find someone, but I always hate to feel like I'm inconveniencing someone with such an un-fun task. I also need to find a Japanese speaker that can call and arrange for them to turn on my gas. I'm going to need that soon after moving in, so maybe I can just get one person to do this all in one day? I hope I can! This whole not speaking much Japanese thing is becoming quite the issue. And even though it is frustrating to do this whole process through a translator, it's liberating to know my boss doesn't OWN the apartment, it is mine separate from him or my school. So different from Korea!
Another thing that is becoming quite the issue is me feeling like I am hitting life WAY below my potential level. Everyday I come across things that challenge me in unique ways, force me to learn something, and help me see the world from a different perspective, but it's not enough. It doesn't push me to THINK, to really explore my knowledge bank, to work with others to come up with an innovative solution. I feel so underused. There are parts of my life that are so extremely satisfying right now it's blissful, but there are other parts that are really frustrating me. I realize this is a HUGE sign to change so I'm taking measures to do just that. It's spring, so it's time for a fresh start! The issue with this is, I want the blissful parts to stay blissful and just make the frustrating parts change! Balancing life can be really challenging!
The cherry blossoms have bloomed! Since then, it has been sunny for one day and pretty rainy and gross for most other days. Usually in Japan, they have picnics in parks and look at the cherry blossoms. But as my boss said today, they just pretend to look at the cherry blossoms and actually just look at their food. My boss says funny things without meaning to and she is honestly one of the best bosses I have ever had. She's always trying to give me advice for my future and mentor me just like she does all her students. She is a natural teacher. I'm so thankful for my employers.

Forward and Back

Today I went to a hanko shop to get my very hanko. In Japan, when you need to sign your name to start an account at the bank, get an apartment, or do anything else of equal importance, you use a hanko stamp instead of your signature. For a Japanese person it's totally normal to go into one of these shops to get your own personl hanko. For a gaijin to walk in is not normal. For a gaijin to walk in and ask for their name spelled out phonetically in katakana is even more not normal. At least it made the shop owner laugh and say things like, "This is not a Japanese name." Situations like that make me smile and know that living overseas is different. There are also situations that bring me close to tears and make me realize living overseas is different. Life is a balance, there's good and bad.
There are about two days/month that I miss familiarity. My city has become at least somewhat familiar to me, and I have a lot of the JR and various other subway lines in Tokyo basically memorized, but it's not familiar. It's not where I came from, nothing here is a part of what shaped me (yet). I can blend in as well as possible but not completely. If I wanted to, I could build my life here. I could start a career, I could learn Japanese, I could do everything like a Japanese does. But even then I would still never be Japanese and this would never truly be home. So two days/month I feel sad. I'm really hoping to change that and soon make it only one day/month and then maybe one day/other month. We'll see. Maybe being away is taking it's toll?

From enlightenment to pay raises

I've been reading The Brother's Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky and am surprised that it reminds me how amazing God is and how intricate life can be. I wasn't really expecting that from the book although seeing as it is Russian, maybe I should have. It's the sort of book that reveals who you are to yourself. As if you can see yourself reflected in the character and it makes you think about what that means. If you don't learn something about yourself, it at least helps you reflect on humanity and understand what people are. Even though we're all people, we don't always understand what that means.
More exciting than a book, I went snowboarding for the first time in Gunma this past week. It was a GREAT but painful time. After we snowboarded, we went to Onsen which means hot spring in Japanese. A really good idea for when you just did something that makes your whole body hurt! The view from the Onsen was really beautiful and made better by the fact that it started to snow. So, you saw a snow covered hill with a couple trees, through the steam rising up from the onsen bath, as snow drifted slowly down. Beautiful. I don't have my camera now, but when I get it back, pictures will be posted.
I also saw Percy and the Olympians over my spring break. It was HILARIOUS but I'm pretty sure the parts I thought were funny weren't supposed to be funny. Omar thought it was an awful movie. I guess I would agree except that I was laughing through a lot of it.
This post is super choppy but I think my mind has drifted away from being focused on it. I have no big news to report except I'm expecting my alien registration card this week and should be moving this week as well. I really really hope I move, anyways. I also get a raise in my next paycheck, so the extra money will be awesome.

Normalcy?

Since I've gotten to Tokyo my life has been filled with packing, moving, uncertainty and stress. Not the sort of stress that you might imagine, but the sort of stress that accompanies not having any clue what will happen next month. I feel like my life is better with a certain sort of stability like knowing I will be getting a paycheck next month. In the past two months my life has gotten much more stable with a job I enjoy and knowing my way around Tokyo better.
With everything settling a bit, I finally feel like my whole self is waking up from this weird numb survival mode. It's not as if before I was merely surviving because I definitely wasn't. It's just that before I didn't see things from a "this is my home" perspective. Everything felt oddly far away and I did things out of knowing I had to or should do those things. I am just now feeling like I want to do things that I would do somewhere I lived. A couple examples: start a regular Japanese class, go to a gym, go grocery shopping, get a phone with a monthly plan, and open a bank account. Before most of these things may have seemed hasty or unreasonable considering my situation, but now I know I'm staying here so I want a sense of normalcy. It's great :).
I finally finished this tv series I've been watching. It's actually a relief. Not sure that I've ever watched a tv show out of a sense of duty to finish. This show was a constant string of cheating couples and it was starting to get to me considering I was just told about a situation involving cheating recently.
It's shocking to me how deeply I'm affected by someone's bad relationship decisions that don't directly involve me. Watching the entire thing unfold has made me feel like no matter what, people are flawed. And even if you think you can trust someone else, they could always deceive you or leave you or decide to stop loving you. It's always their choice. Knowing that is so scary.
So, in reference to me seeking stability, I think I found a place to stay starting in March. Definitely stoked about that. Also found a couple places to do free Japanese lessons and I'm going to try and find these places tomorrow. I haven't looked into a gym yet...but once I have housing I think that'll be easier.

WORD VOMIT!

I often neglect this blog because I feel like I have nothing of worth to put in it or I know I don't really want to put the energy into making what I have to say sound like it's of worth. But because I have neglected it for so long and am now convinced no one reads this anymore, I can write whatever I want without thinking about what someone may say.
The past week or so my mind has been on relationships. I've been dating someone for four months now and recently a good friend of mine has been telling me about her relationship issues. People can be so messed up sometimes and that is saying it politely. Not only are people messed up but when they get into a relationship all that mess slops onto the other person and then the other person doesn't know what to do with it, so they project it back and no one talks about what really needs to be talked about. There are so many different ways a relationship could go wrong and there is no predicting what will happen in any given situation. It's scary, risky, weird, and yes, also amazing.
I have always understood that relationships were full of wonderful things that were balanced out with difficult things. I have always understood this but never lived it. I have never had to deal with the reality of how delicate relationships can be. How two people can be living parallel to one another in completely different worlds and one day just crash and completely break each other. I get that people heal and "get over" things, but once your heart is given to someone, I think a piece of it will always stay with them and you can't really get over that. It just sucks. Sometimes relationships just suck. So far, my relationship has been going really well but I'm scared something will happen. I KNOW that I can deal with it if that happens and not to worry but I FEEL protective of my heart.
Without any transition whatsoever, it was supposed to snow today and did NOT. I was unhappy. It started to rain and I wanted to stop teaching and rant about the injustices of weather. Unfortunately, four year old's don't understand rants and can only connect with the injustices of not enough attention or sugar.
My brain is lazy. I am supposed to be studying Japanese or for the GRE or looking into the FSO test. Instead, I am watching The L Word so I can figure out who killed Jennifer Schecter and YES this show is super old. A part of me reminds myself of all the things I should be doing: look for an apartment, update my resume, apply for jobs closer to where I want to live, read the news, look at grad schools...and another part of me thinks I just don't feel like doing those things. LAZY!!! I'm sure I'll get over it.
To end, I have become increasingly intolerant of cheating. I think it is disgusting and even have trouble watching tv shows that contain cheating. Sometimes I even skip scenes in the L Word since that show is one long string of someone cheating on someone else. Cheating is stupid and breaks people. Don't do it.