Really, what can I do

Dead. Dying. Death.

Before I do something dangerous like take a tiny airplane (or helicopter) somewhere remote, say brazen things to generals, or simply live in a very remote location I always ask myself, "would I die for this?" I wonder if my friends who have died asked themselves the same thing. I don't know.

I still think about the man who told me I had to come back to South Sudan. I told him I didn't think I would go back and he confidently said I would and had to. I still think about the man who told me, "there are so many fish." when I told him Omar dumped me. He wanted to show me his home but we never got the chance. I still think about the very tiny twin baby who just couldn't handle the infection and died, leaving the other twin to struggle. I also remember a lot of people who didn't die but probably wanted to. The mother who told me she kept going after some of her children had died because what else was she to do? All she knew how to do was keep going. And then the people who still had hope but I could tell they had to fight to keep it. Those were the ones I wanted to take with me. Those were the people I felt like I abandoned. But all I knew how to do was keep going.

It is a bit lame of me to think of these things so often. Because really, what can I do? I am just one person and I am not revolutionary, particularly intelligent, more passionate than most, or anything else extraordinary. But I still think about these people all the time.

And sometimes, even when the answer is, "No, I would not die for this." I do it anyways. 

Thank you, more please.

I was watching some cheesy movie today in my hotel room with a title I had never heard of. I don't normally get into great movies so this good movie was just perfect for me. A woman was explaining that she had once taken a cab and the driver looked in the rearview mirror and started telling her how much potential she had and how she had to practice more gratitude by always saying thank you. And after she said thank you to say, "more please". "thank you, more please" HA! Imagine.

What would life be like if I could accept all the amazing parts and say, "thank you, more please." Ah! I already enjoy life but I think I allow the lows to consume too much time. There is sadness in life, happiness, sorrow, joy, suffering...but I should embrace the joy as deeply as I embrace the sorrow. Feel it all. And when it's good say, "thank you, more please." It is SO OFTEN GOOD.

Missions of Charity

Today I visited a Missions of Charity home in Addis. This is one of the homes started by Mother Theresa and is now tended by other Catholic sisters. It is amazing how they have dedicated their lives to serving those who are destitute, dying, sick, poor...people who have nowhere else to go. They give dignity to those who seemingly have none left. It was really beautiful. In the sister's words, "They come here to die like human beings, not like animals on the street."

While we were there, a man died in a ward right before we stepped into it. When we stepped in, there was a crowd praying around his bed. I didn't watch him die but I watched those around his bed say their goodbyes and pray for him and it just reminded me that we all die. It's not like the movies...you just go. She told us they cook special meals for those they know are dying. Sometimes, after eating the special meal, the person goes. Typing "the person goes" makes me feel like it's just another journey. I suppose for a christian it is an extension...us meeting our creator. Being with Jesus.

I haven't faced death and life in such a raw way in a very long time. It was a bit jarring, to be honest. Nepal wasn't like that. People were suffering, sure, but I never watched them die or become terminally ill. That sort of thing is unique. 

DART #1

DART #1 is complete and I can feel like a *real* aid worker now.

Things I liked about the DART

• I learned an incredible amount in a very short amount of time. Efficiency at it's finest.
• The freedom to do what I thought was best.
• Working with people I love and trust.
• Helping people when I had the ability to help.

Things I did not like about the DART

• Feeling helpless for the first week.
• Feeling like I was letting down people I love and trust.
• The constant staff turnover
• Knowing I would leave so soon and be just one more face of many aid workers.

The first days of the DART were hard for me. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing and every day that I had somehow failed. I learned a TON but wish i had better direction. I think I could do a better job now so I have to be okay with that. I also think I did the best I could with what I had...cliche thing to say but I do think it's true in this case.

Working in a place for only one month was difficult. I get attached quickly, it seems, and by the end of my time I didn't want to leave. I fall in love far too quickly and one month was long enough for me to think I had some sort of connection to a place I hadn't even considered visiting before. I think Nepal does that to people.

I am happy that it wasn't as emotional an assignment as South Sudan. There were emotions, there were sad times and triumphant times but there wasn't the heaviness of hopelessness and history repeating itself with violence and hate. Nepal will rebuild. Nepal will move on. Nepal will remember the good things and let go of the bitter, as it does. There were a few things I won't forget, though.

I met a man in an IDP camp who had been crying. He came up to me right as I got out of the car and started talking to me. Of course, I don't speak Nepali so my colleague had to interpret. He was a grown man, drunk, and in so much pain. He told me about his family who had all been killed in landslides that had wiped out his village in Haku. He himself had been wounded. I am not sure he wanted me to do anything and there really wasn't anything I could do for him but...he was lonely. He didn't tell me that part but it seemed that way. He followed me around for the entire time I was there. I wanted to talk to him but didn't know what to say. My colleague seemed uncomfortable talking to him. I saw that man a few days before I left Nepal and he seemed a lot better. His wounds had healed and he looked healthier. I am sure he was moving on as best he could and I was happy to see him before I left.

The difference between the aftershocks in Nepal vs. Japan will also be unforgettable. After the Japan quake, aftershocks were just tolerated. People didn't like them but there was never much reaction. That probably says more about the culture than the psychological state of the people, not to mention the faith in the building practices of Japan vs. Nepal. Aftershocks in Nepal were not just tolerated, they were experienced. Even if I never felt the shake, everyone else did and ran screaming out of any building they happened to be in. I usually heard the reaction before I realized there was an aftershock. I think that conditioned me to fear the shaking more than the shaking itself. It was interesting. I do hope people heal quickly from the emotional scars of the earthquake as rebuilding homes is easier than mending emotional scars.

January

A friend of mine recently asked me if I ever felt guilty when I was working in South Sudan. The implication being that I would feel guilty for...having a way out, a different life, the sort of life considered more comfortable. I don't think there's really an easy answer to that. Do I feel guilty....
I feel guilty for not doing more when I was there, for not dealing with things as they came up and for not taking care of myself better. I feel guilty for some of the decisions I made and mostly stupid for how inexperienced and terrible I was at times. I can feel guilty for those things but it seems so strange to feel guilty for where I was born and the life I have. There were moments when I remembered that the people I met and was trying to help really had no way out and I could fly out and leave at any time.
Whenever I was uncomfortable it was always quite clear that was temporary. I was not always going to live in a tent or exist on a diet of goat and rice. When I look back on the moments of guilt or start to feel them creep in my next thoughts are always, "What is the guilt doing? What purpose is it serving?" Guilt can be a selfish emotion, something we punish ourselves with to make up for the thing that brought on the guilt. I am not going to feel guilty because I have choices and freedoms that others don't but I will use my discomfort to motivate myself to work towards change.

But sometimes...I would rather hide. 

Oh, how things have changed

I just finished reading a facebook post from a person I have never met. Their husband is fighting a fierce battle with cancer and she is by his side. That battle is something I have no experience with but have seen people fight in a dilapidated hospital in the middle of nowhere. She is understandably desperate for God to heal her husband and give them time together on this Earth to proclaim His gospel or do whatever else they think they will do on this Earth.

I admire her for her faith. I admire them both. I cannot imagine what sort of pain that is or how difficult it is to keep trusting God. I don't know. I will pray for his healing and I sincerely believe God can bring that healing. BUT. There is always that but isn't there? I think there are many that would believe me even inserting a but means I have no faith. That is not the case.

The thing is, I don't know what God's will is. Cancer is ugly and vicious, I know this. Sickness often is. I do not believe sickness comes from God but I also know for a fact that not everyone gets well. People die. Everyday people die. I have seen innocent babies die for preventable reasons. God could have healed them and He didn't. I don't know why and at this point in my life the why doesn't matter. God is still good, He still has a plan, He is still sovereign.

The horrible truth is: her husband may not get better. He may die. What makes it horrible is I feel guilty for thinking of that when I read her facebook posts and all the comments standing with her in faith. God has the entire situation in His hands and I will trust that I don't know what's good and what's bad because I DON'T. I have a human mind with human limitations...I cannot fathom what God has in store. I just can't. Realizing that is quite scary because I could be in the exact same situation as this woman or her husband and in that time I would need to believe that God is still good, He still has a plan, and He is still sovereign.

Ohhhhh, how things have changed! I no longer feel entitled or as if I "deserve" anything. I have seen so many justifiably deserving people get forgotten and left  behind for no logical reason at all. People murdering and raping based on decades old grudges. The world is not a fair place and facing that is heartbreaking. I just hope to never lose sight of who God really is. He is always good, He always has a plan, He is always sovereign.

The poison of wrong decisions

As I wrote about last time, I am thinking a lot about timing, measure and balance. I sincerely feel that roughly 6 months ago I lost my timing, have taken too much with my current organization, and my life is completely out of balance. I can feel it resonating throughout everything and it is the most uncomfortable feeling.

6 months ago I had the opportunity to walk away from my current organization and move on. Instead of doing this, I decided to re-sign a contract and stay for an additional year. It was such a mistake. I believe I made the decision out of fear; I was comfortable with my organization and so far had a good experience. I knew that I should move on but simply did not want to. Since then, life has been teaching me the very difficult lesson of learning to listen to yourself. I hope I do not forget it.

I honestly do not like going to work, answering my email, or doing anything related to my current job. I will not say I hate it because hate is so....poisonous...but then again, I feel as if not liking my job is like poison. It has such a negative effect on everything and is so frustrating. I believe the work I do is important and it's not a matter of valuing the outcome or not, it is more about knowing this just isn't the place for me.

The hope is soon I can move forward and get to a place where I feel as if I am progressing, learning, and growing in my profession.

Timing, measure, balance

After a weekend trip to Uganda, which was tiring and rushed, I woke up this morning considering how I spent my time. This thought didn't just concern my Uganda trip, it was concerning how I spent my time on any given day. My work is often draining, requires long hours, includes difficult communication across language barriers, and produces lots of pressure. When I have time off, I typically want to spend it doing close to nothing. This is not like my personality, though, and often makes me feel lazy and causes a lot of self hate. It really is a vicious cycle of exhaustion, laziness, guilt, sadness, repeat. I don't think this is healthy.

A friend and mentor once told me that feeling content in life was always a challenge. He found that evaluating and making right decisions was made up of three things: timing, measure, and balance. Timing was considering if what you were doing was the right time. This applies to everything: if it's not the right time, not everything will be right. Measure considers in what amount you are doing something. That is an odd way to phrase it but if you look at your life, you cannot do every single thing everyday for hours on end, you need to have the proper measure. Finally, there was balance. Getting enough rest to sustain yourself, working enough to be productive, etc. If all of those things were in harmony, you felt content and happy. I really liked this theory because it seems biblical to me (Ecc 3) and after incorporating it into my own life and thinking, it feels right. If one of those things is off with my decisions, the timing, measure or balance, it doesn't work so well. I understand there is much more to it than just this simple explanation but I think those three things are a good foundation.

I'd really like to end my vicious cycle of disliking my action and do more to bring myself into harmony. Time to look at the timing, measure, and balance of the things in my life! 2014 begins!

My addiction

I have discovered I am addicted. I can't decide what my addiction is but I am very aware that I am most definitely addicted.
I started doing aid work 13 months ago. I had no idea what I was getting into; I was just a wide eyed, naive, eager woman who wanted to make some sort of difference. 13 months later I feel a little less wide eyed and naive but every bit as eager as I was before...and maybe even more eager than before. I recently clicked on a link to a cool blog and ended up stumbling upon a website called chasing misery. Here is the excerpt that especially caught my eye:

"The name for the anthology comes from a conversation that the Head of the Editorial Team, Kelsey Hoppe, had while in Indonesia following the 2004 tsunami in which hundreds of thousands of people died and so many more lost their homes, families and livelihoods. After a long day, she was sitting on the roof of a house with a friend, tired, sad and thought ‘what a strange life this is, what a strange profession – ‘chasing human misery’ around the world as we go from one emergency response to the next." --http://www.chasingmisery.com/the-book/

That hit me because I do sometimes encounter feeling that way. I have been in the same place for my entire aid work career thus far but ever since we moved out of an emergency response I have felt that old familiar feeling of needing to move on. I think I may have been designed for disaster response. During an emergency response, everything is different. Agencies are forced to partner for the benefit of the beneficiaries, you do whatever it takes to get the job done, you learn as you go, qualifications don't matter as long as the job gets done, it's just more challenging and dare I say it, FUN. Once the emergency fades, politics get involved, people start showing off, qualifications are suddenly all that matter, and people put off doing the job no matter what for doing the job according to policies. It's not as fun. 
The other night I met a colleague working for another agency and shared a summarized version of the above excerpt and asked him what he thought. He shared a fantastic point of view by telling me he didn't look at it as chasing misery but instead bringing hope. I love that. The reason it resonates is because I do believe that is closer to the truth. I don't feel a buzz because people are suffering, witnessing that part is difficult, I feel the buzz because I am able to do something about it. The aim is to give them some hope so they can have the strength to pick themselves up. 
One thing I have learned over and over is that life is not fair. It simply is not. I may be addicted to responding to emergencies but maybe a better way to phrase that is I am addicted to bringing hope. The world would be amazing if everyone could find a similar addiction. 

difficult/great

Things that have been difficult lately:

1. Rainy season. It makes the road muddy, breaks our vehicles, and brings disease. Oh, rainy season...you are difficult.
2. Death. Community forced abortion, a loved staff member, and the many more dying everyday...it wears you down. So many questions, doubts, sadness...lots of emotions. 
3. Relationships. Starting, ending, transitioning. That is difficult.

Things that have been great:

1. I signed up for another year contract. Yay! I value my work and I'm happy to continue.
2. I'm going to England to see friends I haven't seen in so long! It makes my soul happy.
3. Cat hasn't died. Yes, to me, this is great. 

Strange update...just had to get some events in writing.

This is not an original thought

I never update. When I do, I am never very eloquent or descriptive of what life has really been like. I am sincerely sorry for that since I look back on these entries often and am so appreciative when I write something that actually captures what I was experiencing at the time. This time, I will also not share what's going on in my life. I will, however, share an awesome link to another blog post which shares some opinions I agree with. I value beauty just like everyone. This is proven by me wearing makeup, doing my hair, painting my nails, generally desiring to look beautiful. However...I am a little less than impressed with the fact that beauty=value. That is why I loved this link:

http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me

I do have to say, I also loved the Dove video and was very happy to see women describe other women in a positive way. I kind of hate when women turn on each other. We should really be each other's biggest supporters because I get way more nervous about another woman's approval than I do a man's. I could be the odd one out on that one...but I doubt it.

Hopefully I will write soon with some original thoughts and experiences!

There is no answer

I got the wonderful opportunity to visit Zurich on my way home from R&R yesterday. Standing on the shores of Lake Zurich looking out to snow peaked mountains and beautiful homes I was happy. Switzerland seems like a generally happy place. I didn't have much time to be there, just a few hours, but I was happy I got to see a new place.
While I was there, I got a little time to look at the beautiful scenery and ponder some things. The question I kept coming back to was, "Why?" Why do people do what they do? Why did they have to do it the way they did? Why? After every pondering, this is the question my brain ended with. I let me my mind roll over it several times before I realized, there is never a real answer for why. Someone can tell you what they think or feel but maybe that isn't the real why. Maybe no one really knows the exact why to explain what was done. Sometimes it's not even one person or a person, it just is. And that is the thought I ended with, the resolution I found; sometimes, everything just is. I think that's okay.

Hospital Stories

The new year is upon us! One year ending and a new year beginning, there is always so much potential. I have not been a very faithful updater and while I feel slightly guilty for that I really don't feel that bad. Most people who read this have the ability to message or email me so if they *really* wanted updates, they would do one of those two things.
December was an interesting month. I spent a lot of time at the hospital. Part of that was observing surgeries and part of that was a disgusting staph infection. The surgeries I observed included a man who needed most of his small intestine removed. That was an interesting case because of the story that accompanied it. Here it is:
The story of this man began one Saturday night when me, my co workers, and some visitors were driving to the UN for a gathering. We were going through town when we noticed a huge crowd forming in front of a bar on the side of the road. It looked like chaos. Women were wailing and acting in the traditional way a woman acts when a family member dies. Most of the crowd was carrying sticks or other things they would use to beat someone. They were beating on the door of the bar and it also looked like they were beating someone on the ground. There was also a large fire. We wanted to stop but a car full of white people stopping to intervene during a mob scene is probably one of the most horrible ideas you could have around here so we just kept driving. When we got back to the compound, we checked to see if anyone had been brought for an emergency and found that one man had. He had been stabbed in his side and he arrived at the hospital with his intestines coming out the wound. He had emergency surgery that night. The next day, the doctor found the swelling in his abdomen was considerable and suspected there was another problem.
Meanwhile, in town where the chaos had been last night, there continued to be fighting. It seemed that at that bar, the night we drove by, a Maban man (the county we live in) and a Nuer man (another local tribe) had a disagreement over who the land belonged to. They were both drunk and it escalated quickly. It should also be noted that these people groups have had conflict for years so having a drunken fight has the potential to explode pretty easily. The Nuer man was so upset, he left the bar, returned with a knife, and stabbed the Maban man. Of course, this erupted into a brawl. This brawl continued into the next day as the Maban man's family wanted revenge badly. However, since the maban man hadn't died yet, things were just tense and hadn't gotten out of hand.
Once the doctor realized there may be another problem, he decided to open the man back up to look around. I observed this surgery. Once he opened him up he found almost his entire small intestine had died. The stabbing had cut the vein that supplied blood to that portion and they had been out of his body for too long the night before. The doctor re-sectioned his intestines but the damage was too extensive and the man died. I didn't stay for the whole surgery and was taking a shower when I heard gunshots close by. They sounded like they were at the market. There were a lot of gunshots though so I wasn't sure what was happening. Later, I found out once the family heard the man had died, they rioted in front of the bar he was stabbed at and the house of the man who killed him. They set fire to both places and beat people. The police had fired gunshots into the air to disperse the crowd. If they hadn't, who knows how far those people would have gone. Luckily, after the family felt they got revenge, the fighting stopped.
That is the story behind the man whose intestines were the first I ever saw in person.
Before I got to observe that surgery, I got to learn how to do stitches. That man's story was also funny. The cut was on his right thigh. He said his friend's wife had stabbed him there and it looked suspiciously as if she could have stabbed him from an angle which makes me think this man was trying to rape her. The hospital here is a very interesting place.
After both those things, I developed a horrible infection on my leg. In 24 hours it went from just a normal skin irritation to a full blown oozing, disgusting, painful, abscess. I got IV antibiotics and had it drained. It is just now healing completely. It took a couple weeks for there not to be a hole in the side of my leg. Infections are easy to get around here and dust gets into everything.

2012 has been an insane year. Beginning with frustration, love, and hope and ending with joy, satisfaction, and complete heartbreak. Life truly can be a roller coaster. Living in South Sudan has brought me more joy than almost anything else I have done in life. South Sudan has been the redeeming thing about 2012. In contrast, relationships have been the low point of 2012. I feel like I got betrayed a lot in 2012. It was a very disappointing year in terms of relationships, not just romantic but friendships as well. I can't say I think 2013 will be any better but I can say I will try to be more cautious. I think I tend to be reckless when it comes to relationships. People are flawed and I understand but I allow people to treat me badly quite often. I hope I am brave enough to change that in 2013.   

My favorite prayer

The prayer I have been wanting to pray lately begins like this: "God, you are fucking awesome." Really, every time I think about praying, this is what I think. I understand it is not quite proper and to some it would definitely be offensive but it is absolutely true.
I don't really swear but sometimes it feels appropriate. Sometimes, whatever you are saying needs a little extra emphasis. This is one of those times. God is fucking awesome.
When everything falls apart, when everything is going well, when I am sad, when I am happy, when everything is everything....God is really, really, awesome. He is always who He is. It is simple and it is comforting. He knows my path, He knows. I have to trust that He will put it all together the way it should go and my only job is to follow the peace.

Everything becomes part of you

Even when you remove yourself from your normal life, life still goes on. Even when you are living in a hard place, working in difficult circumstances, dealing with things you never planned on needing to face, life still happens. Everything you left behind is still with you, nothing ever actually gets left behind. I have had to learn this so many times.
November has been very difficult for me. I think when things are difficult people look for reasons, we always want to justify any pain we have to endure. Especially if it's pain we can't do anything about.
Everybody dies and that I can deal with, I can work through the cycle of mourning and knowing that whoever died was in my life for a reason and that is something to celebrate. My grandma was a feisty woman and I always admired that about her. She definitely had a fire to her that I think I inherited. She always spoke her mind but really tried to be kind to people. As much as she could insult people (and she could!), practically, she was kind to everyone she met. I can be happy remembering she was my grandma.
Every relationship does not have to die. It's hard to watch someone go from being absolutely in love with you to hating you in a very short amount of time. There is no cycle of mourning for that, there is no procedure to remembering them. You're not even supposed to remember them. They are still alive, their love is not unconditional, they took whatever you gave and shattered it. It doesn't matter what you promised each other, what plans you made, the words you said, the love that was exchanged, none of that matters. When one person decides that the relationship is over, the other person just has to...let it die. They are supposed to forget the promises, pretend love is still real, and try to find someone else.
Falling in love is like being on drugs, everything is beautiful and happy. Every day is euphoric. It doesn't matter when you fight because you know you'll make up because that person loves  you and that is sacred, such a special thing. Love deserves to be protected and fought for. Falling out of love is hell. It feels like your insides are breaking, literally. Like you can't breathe normally anymore, it's difficult to really think clearly, everything you hear sounds like a lie, and everything seems unjust.
Regardless, as I said before, life goes on. Life will not always be like this, it will go on. More people will com into my life and more people will die. More people will hurt me and more things will remind me that I cannot escape life. Life has good things and bad things, it is a crazy mix. It is all life.
This reminds me of an excerpt from The Brother's Karamazov which says, "Do you know I've been sitting here thinking to myself: that if I didn't believe in life, if I lost faith in the woman I love, lost faith in the order of things, were convinced, in fact, that everything is a disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devil-ridden chaos, if I were struck by every horror of man's disillusionment- still I should want to live and, having once tasted of the cup, I would not turn away from it till I had drained it!" That is what I believe. Life is too precious to want to stop. Life is too amazing to let someone or something ruin it all. People are people. No matter what, they will betray you, lie to you, disappoint you, and amaze you.

Give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

I haven't written in a month and the past month has been insanity. Absolute insanity. So emotional I am pretty sure I no longer feel emotion. Or perhaps feel too much? Hard to say.

I went on R&R which is two weeks off after ten weeks of work. I went to Italy, as I had planned. I ended up going by myself even though I had originally planned on going with a very special person. That didn't work out so I did the trip alone. At first it was really horrible. Traveling alone and not sharing the experience with anyone has never been something I've enjoyed. I did visit a friend in Florence but that place was kind of sad so I decided to go back to Rome. Rome felt magical, so amazing. Everywhere I went there was something old that had a story attached to it. So many stories, so many possibilities, it felt magical! I became so obsessed with the Coliseum that I dragged someone I just met there at 3 am. (I thought going alone was too dangerous) It was incredible. I ended up meeting a bunch of great travelers in the hostel I was staying at, The Yellow, and they made the second half of my trip really amazing and happy. If I ever go back to Rome I would definitely spend a weekend at The Yellow.

Coming back to South Sudan I expected to feel refreshed, rested, and ready to get back to work! However, I felt completely drained. Like all my feeling had been taken away and my ability to care was severely handicapped. I had a lot going on during my R&R and it all came to horrible end right before I had to get back to work. It got even worse about a week into work. Because of everything that happened, I feel like I don't care about my work like I used to. If this is a super intense way of teaching me what to value, I don't appreciate the lesson at all. I have a lot of questions, doubts, confusion, and I'm really unsure of the way forward. As cliche as it may sound, the only thing I can do is trust that God doesn't have questions, doubts, or confusion and is the One guiding me. He knows. Those two words help me a lot and I have to keep remembering them: He knows.

I can say for sure doing relief work makes you question a lot of things. Too many to list. I don't know if this is what I will do long term, I don't know how much longer I will do it at all. I can say I am excited to see what this leads to. As cool as this job is and as much as I am loving doing this, I don't think this is my career. I think this is a stepping stone. I wonder where it will lead....

The other day I finally got to see my first C-section! I was initially quite nervous that seeing them cut would make me queasy or seeing them yank out the uterus would cause me to pass out but I didn't even feel dizzy. It was pretty incredible. They made a few cuts and then pulled a baby out! The most surprising parts were that once the baby was out I couldn't believe it had ever fit in that small space and there wasn't as much blood as I thought there would be. It was awesome, though. Hearing the baby cry was so amazing somehow. I've heard babies cry before but this cry was a sign of health and life. It was awesome.

With the good comes bad (somehow) and today I learned of something that always saddens me. One of my favorite workers couldn't work recently because she was "sick" and today I found out that she had actually been beaten so badly by her husband that she couldn't work. I felt so angry and helpless all at once. It was like the incident in Korea all over again. The wife is her husband's property here, he has every right to hit her. If you involve the police, they will probably do nothing if the woman doesn't demand it. And even if she did do something, her husband would probably abandon her and then who would care for her and protect her? Maybe he doesn't beat her often and it's better to stay with him than try and do anything. Realizing this reality is more than sad, it is sickening. I hope one day this society can realize the value of it's women and work towards equality. I don't mean for that to sound like I want them to embrace the American idea of equality but I also don't want women to continue to be men's property. The women here are truly incredible and deserve better.

I am sure more happened than this

Wow. I am really horrible at consistently updating my friends and family about life. Things change really quickly around here and it feels like time flies by....really. I can't believe where I am now and where I started!

I shouldn't write about everything in detail since that would make for an extremely long entry. For purposes of updating those I don't get a chance to speak with, here are some bullet points.

• In addition to doing logistics, I am covering the nutrition program while the manager is away. It is a very satisfying experience and makes me think I should look into how I could become more qualified to do relief work. Maybe that is a strange sentence but I think getting some sort of credential to do work here, even a certificate, could be helpful. 
• At the nutrition center, one of the community volunteers refuses to speak English so I have been learning Arabic. I learn really quickly when I HAVE to speak to her in Arabic. It's still coming along slowly but I can out together some very basic sentences and understand her better than when I began. Things like this make me absolutely love the work I do.
• I've been holding tons of babies! It makes me SO so happy when a mother hands me a fat baby because it means we are giving them food they need to make those babies HEALTHY. Skinny babies make me sad. 
• I'm not sure if I wrote about this but one of our driver's accidentally ran over a pig. Where I am, you have to pay for a pig when you run it over but then you get to keep the pig. I went to the neighbor's house to butcher it and was so satisfied to watch that pig's head get chopped off. I think the pig's around here are super annoying and we even had to slam on our brakes yesterday to avoid one in the middle of the road.
• We baked a cake last week in our oven. It doesn't look like an oven by western standards and you still have to put coals in it, but it made a very delicious cake. This sounds like a stupid bullet point, I know, but I haven't made a cake yet over here and baking it over coals was cool. I would never do that back home!
• There was recently come conflict in a nearby camp between the refugees and the host community. Some men got seriously injured and were brought to our hospital. We don't have a blood bank at our hospital but one of the men needed blood. Me and my co worker are O negative, so we donated to this man. It was great being able to give something since I don't have medical knowledge and couldn't help in that way. The man ended up dying early the next morning which was a very serious reminder of how fragile the relationship is between the locals and the refugees in this area. It reminded me that different things are important to different people and everyone will defend what they feel is most important. Even to death. 
• I found out an old friend was found dead back home. I haven't spoken to this person in awhile but we had been close at one time in my life. It was very strange finding out he was dead because it didn't seem real, it didn't seem like something that was possible. I am still trying to grasp the reality of death...I realize it is part of life but it's strange to really come to terms with someone being gone. I can't ever talk to that person again. 

Those are the main things that have been going on. A lot of death lately. I have recently been very exhausted and can't WAIT to go on R & R. If anyone finds themselves in Italy or Brussels...let me know!

Sheikh lessons

I turned 27 a week ago. My birthday was so great and I think right after that life took a bad turn.

It all started when the day before my birthday I noticed myself getting really tired for no reason. Always a bad sign but sometimes I can just rest and not get sick. I wasn't really sick on my birthday but the beginnings of sickness were present. After my birthday, I couldn't stop it...full blown cold/flu/virus. I know it could have been so so so much worse considering what kind of diseases can be caught where I am but...it was not enjoyable.

In the midst of me being sick, one of the most important relationships in my life took a horrible turn. The thing I think I ruined, I most definitely ruined now. I can't tell if I'm the one being unreasonable or if I am demanding what I deserve. I am so bad at judging such things.

In work news, I have begun learning the nutrition program. It's very interesting stuff. Lots of acronyms and procedures to learn but it gives me an opportunity to be in the community doing something and I love that. We have a distribution coming up and I will get to learn how it all works. It's all a bit strange to explain and I don't understand it all yet but basically, nutrition is the program we use to help feed children and pregnant and lactating women. We screen for malnourished children and do our best to help them. That is the simplest way I can put it.

Since I mentioned being in the community, some people on my compound have been going out on the quads on Sundays. We go to this nearby village on the river...the name of it I can't quite remember. On the way there is this amazing tree whose roots grow DOWN from the branches. I need to take a photo and post it here even though every photo takes so so long to upload. It's a really amazing tree. We have been there twice and each time a crowd forms to see why we stopped there and asks, "Do you have trees like this where you're from?" The answer is no, we don't. I think they are glad to show us something we don't know about. There is always a crowd of children and some of them are scared of white people. I'm not quite sure where the fear comes from but I know we look different. It's pretty funny to just step towards them and have them run away but it is also a little sad. Sometimes I just want to say hello to a baby and the kid holding it will not let me get near! I don't think I'm THAT scary.

I've been reading "They Poured Fire on us from the Sky" and it is really sad. They were not treated well when they went to refugee camps and it makes me wonder how the people here are really treated. I don't get out in the camps much and I was reminded of that when I went to a Sheikh meeting before our latest food distribution. We always meet with the sheikh's before a food distribution since they organize their tribes to make the distribution smoother. Sheikh's are like community leaders, they help solve their tribes issues and are great at organizing their people and giving them information. They can also bring up questions and issues so we can work together and help them. They have been having an issue with getting everyone registered so they can get a ration card and they are complaining that because of this, people are having to share their food with others and it is not enough. Ration cards are given to refugees who are registered and the family size is recorded on the card. Some people haven't had ration cards in months meaning that families are stretching their food quit thin because it is being shared among more people than it was meant for. They wanted help in solving the issue of not everyone having a ration card. The answer someone gave was, in summary: "I have been a refugee and I know it is hard but if your neighbor comes to you and asks for food, do you give it to him thinking he will return it? No, you give it to him freely as a gift. We should all help each other and not try to get more. Some things only God can pay." This answer made me angry because it didn't answer the question at all! So one of my co-workers gave the guy a normal answer saying he should speak with the correct agency about registering and getting ration cards. Later, this same man asked another question and said, in summary: "How can you know what the real situation is when you are in your office? I am in the camp, I know what my people need, you don't know." This really hit me because I barely spend any time in the camps and I sincerely don't know what they need. I still believe it's good that we give them food but I think it's horrible the politics game that goes on behind the scenes. I don't think what we do is any sort of long term solution but I am not going to pretend I know what a long term solution would be. I wonder if there is a better way to do relief work. I think there has to be.

Are we really helping?

*sigh* I could not kill a goat. I didn't even really try. I was really going to, I was pumped about it, so ready to kill that goat and appreciate my food. The morning of the party I walked to the bathroom and there, laying in the path, was one of the goats. We had bought three to be slaughtered and eaten. It was just sleeping on the path to the bathroom. I looked to the right and there was another goat just standing there, tied to a tree. This goat wouldn't even lift it's head to look at me. I looked to the left and that goat was totally oblivious that death was near and was eating some unidentified object totally happily. I probably would have killed that goat. The other two though....they looked so sad. As if they KNEW they were about to die. I decided then that there was no way I would be the one to kill them. I avoided the goats all day until I heard them start to make lots of noise and then no noise at all. This was one of the only times in my life I considered becoming a vegetarian. I unconsidered it when I started smelling the goat being grilled, it was a fantastic smell. I was so hungry, I wandered over to the grill and got a piece of goat and completely appreciated the sacrifice of the goat's life as I ate the meat. It was soooooo good. They really know how to grill their goats around here.

I finally got to see a food distribution. I have been meaning to see one and have just never had time to go. It was a pretty cool thing to see. The stack up the food in front of the warehouses and give it out to groups of people as they punch families ration cards. The groups then divide up the food among the families. Cool system. It seems to work well and I am obviously leaving out tons of details but in short, it was really cool to see something being done. A lot of my job so far has been figuring out how things should go or helping our staff but I haven't gotten to do much to help people. At the food distribution, I got to see our team helping people in the form of food aid. Then again...are we helping?

I've been thinking about the question for awhile now, are we helping? Is the assistance we give the refugees really helping, or are we helping to fuel the conflict? Helping them become dependent on us? Arrogantly believing we are really doing any good at all when we are not? I really don't know. I think there are probably many different opinion on this, just like every other issue, I just have not figured out what my opinion is. I just kept wondering, as I was watching people walk away with sacks of Sorghum on their heads, what did refugees do before NGO's existed? There has always been conflict, how did the victim's of conflict's past survive without food assistance? Did they survive? Our aid doesn't help groups solve conflict and doesn't help people get over tribalism, so what did they do in the past when there was a "humanitarian crisis?" Who decided it was a good idea to give millions of dollars to feed people? I know on the surface it seems like such a simple thing: people are starving, give them food. It really isn't that simple though, it is much more complex. This simply complex question has been rolling around my head for the past couple of weeks. If anyone has any thoughts, feel free to share.

I finally went for a morning run a couple days ago to cure my lardish feeling. It was amazing but I'm not sure how consistent I can be with it.

In addition to feeling bad about killing a goat, I just found a sizable spider on my suitcase...pretty sure I brushed it with my hand, and I even felt bad killing THAT! What is wrong with me?! I felt bad because the spider wasn't aggressive, it was very timid. I wanted to try and put it outside but honestly didn't know how to accomplish that and it was really big so I didn't want it to bite me. So I squished it. And then I wanted to apologize to it. I should probably get over this hyper sensitivity to death.

Sentences are hard

I've been having really disconnected thoughts lately and haven't been able to form sentences well today so....I think this post will be in bullet points. The bullet points probably won't be related. I'll do my best.

• Lately, whenever a bug bites me I am pretty sure I just contracted a disease. Because of this, I am super jumpy and look like a scared little girl everywhere I go. It makes people laugh but I also know they are judging me. I don't like this.
• My feet got ridiculously muddy yesterday. Solution? Paint my toes today so that if they get muddy in the future, I can't really tell how dirty they are. I'm not sure if this can actually be counted as a solution...but I've been in a lot of denial lately.
• I have been feeling really sad lately. I'm not sure who I can actually tell about this besides my friends back in America since I don't want people here thinking I want to give up. I don't want to give up, I just want to talk about being sad. Not sure how to deal with this one.
• We got some goats today and since I like to eat goat, I'm thinking I should kill one. Just to understand where my food comes from. Don't worry, I will post pictures on facebook.
• I love and hate it here all at once. Actually, I experience those emotions at different moments but sometimes in the same hour. I love when I can understand someone but I hate when I can't. OR when people laugh at me...I really hate that. I don't know why they are laughing. I just know that I am always being watched because I'm different. I'm getting very annoyed with this despite knowing it cannot be avoided.
• I feel so guilty knowing I will not be home when someone I love gets there. I wish I didn't feel guilty but I feel like maybe I ruined it. And maybe I did.
• I am having a hard time understanding why things are how they are. Why do people need more than one wife? Why would someone hate another person because they look different? Why is war a solution? Why hasn't anyone built ROADS here?! The questions of life.
• Sometimes, when I speak, I find myself saying words I don't even think or believe. That is frustrating. And everyone knows, once the word vomit starts...it is hard to stop.
• I feel like a lard.
• I think love is a difficult thing. It makes people feel amazing, like life will never get any better. There is no feeling like it. It also makes people feel horrible, like a part of them is missing when they can't be with someone they love. I think it can be the best and worst thing in the world.

These are some random Sunday thoughts. Sorry this isn't really an update. I would say nothing has happened but of course things have happened. There wasn't enough food to distribute, there were crazy amounts of bugs, we got an awesome visitor...but those aren't things I particularly cared to write about. Maybe next time.